Wednesday, May 31, 2006
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember.
"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough."
"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.
"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband.
"It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."
Monday, May 29, 2006
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $20.30 in Interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $20.30?
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Saturday, May 27, 2006
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Friday, May 26, 2006
A group of psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the leader, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."
Thursday, May 25, 2006
A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."
The following day her husband filled her request. He put $20 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
friend Judy was working at a Maine costal resort when she answered a call
for information about the inn. After finishing the conversation, Judy
stepped away from the desk. When the phone rang again, a student intern
took the call.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
As a young
married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the
base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were
paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one
morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.
She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
Monday, May 22, 2006
An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."
The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."
"Well, what do you think," says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary daughters. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Shirley ," said Mrs. Blum with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Marilyn does for me," declared Mrs. Pollack proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Siegel sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Sherry does.....Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, rain or shine, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour...
...just to talk about me!"
Saturday, May 20, 2006
A friend and I were
shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to wear to a wedding. In
the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah and Becky asked,
"Are those girls twins?"
Friday, May 19, 2006
A drunken man was
wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then
rubbing the roofs of the cars.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
A friend, driving home
from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine
trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his
car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat,
he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
A woman had just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.
He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"
She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
Monday, May 15, 2006
There was this "not too bright" scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.
He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.
Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.
He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.
Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.
Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! The Frog doesn't move an inch.
So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
When you take a long time, you're
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Friday, May 12, 2006
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know-am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing!"
Thursday, May 11, 2006
A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said:
"So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Tuesday, May 9, 2006
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
Monday, May 8, 2006
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.
"How about you Shuddup an
lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula
"Somma day you gonna coma
home and maybe find you wife makina love with another man. Whadda you gonna do
Sunday, May 7, 2006
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:
"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Saturday, May 6, 2006
I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.
The new man, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?"
"No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm."
Friday, May 5, 2006
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
Thursday, May 4, 2006
dropped in on Judi and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring
blankly at a half empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in
the other room.
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old lady standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandma will pay the bill."
Tuesday, May 2, 2006
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
Monday, May 1, 2006
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling
secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as
they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector
and was pulled over.