May, 2006

Speed Trap Final Words Paying The Bill
Mornings The New Car No Thanks!
Punctuation You lissin-a me Nobel Prize
After All These Years Lifelong Ambition Polar Bear
Trouble Down Here Differences Between You and Your Boss Stupid Scientist
Stand In the Circle Wetting Your Pants The Fishing Trip
Not Your Normal Drunk Triplets Daughters
Seven Hearts Paper-Thin Walls Costal Resort
Be Careful What You Ask For Extremes Partners
Elementary Crafty Millionaire Cheap Gas
  A Bug  









Wednesday,  May 31, 2006

A Bug

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

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Tuesday,  May 30, 2006

Cheap Gas

When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband.

"It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."

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Monday,  May 29, 2006

Crafty Millionaire

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $20.30 in Interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $20.30?

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Sunday,  May 28, 2006


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

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Saturday,  May 27, 2006


A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted.  "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law.  "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law.  "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office.  What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man.  "Buy me out."

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Friday,  May 26, 2006


A group of psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the leader, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"


"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"

Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

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Thursday,  May 25, 2006

Be Careful What You Ask For

A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday.  She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."

The following day her husband filled her request. He put $20 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.

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Wednesday,  May 24, 2006

Costal Resort

My friend Judy was working at a Maine costal resort when she answered a call for information about the inn.  After finishing the conversation, Judy stepped away from the desk.  When the phone rang again, a student intern took the call.

"I forgot to ask something." the caller said, "How are the rooms appointed?"

"Well, six of them are appointed west," the student said, "and the rest are appointed east."

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Tuesday,  May 23, 2006

Paper-Thin Walls

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.  She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of  toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

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Monday,  May 22, 2006

Seven Hearts

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."

"Well, what do you think," says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

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Sunday,  May 21, 2006


Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary daughters. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Shirley ," said Mrs. Blum with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Marilyn does for me," declared Mrs. Pollack proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Siegel sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Sherry does.....Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, rain or shine, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour...

...just to talk about me!"

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Saturday,  May 20, 2006


A friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to wear to a wedding. In the store, another girl  staring intently at Sarah and Becky asked, "Are those girls twins?"

"Actually they're triplets," I said. "They have a brother at home."

"Wow," she replied. "They sure look like twins to me."

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Friday,  May 19, 2006

Not Your Normal Drunk

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk.

"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it."

"So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk.

"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!"

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Thursday,  May 18, 2006

The Fishing Trip

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron.  He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help.  Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause.  Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

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Wednesday,  May 17, 2006

Wetting Your Pants

After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.

A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

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Tuesday,  May 16, 2006

Stand In the Circle

A woman had just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

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Monday,  May 15, 2006

Stupid Scientist

There was this "not too bright" scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.

He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.

He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! The Frog doesn't move an inch.

So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

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Sunday,  May 14, 2006

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

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Saturday,  May 13, 2006

Trouble Down Here

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

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Friday,  May 12, 2006

Polar Bear

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.  The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth.  I can take it.  Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true.  I gotta know-am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"

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Thursday,  May 11, 2006

Lifelong Ambition

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the  judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said:

"So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I  went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"

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Wednesday,  May 10, 2006

After All These Years

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to  synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of  faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

 The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

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Tuesday,  May 9, 2006

Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .  to people who are out standing in their field."


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Monday,  May 8, 2006

You lissin-a me

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you  to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. 

"How about you Shuddup an lissin.  Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa
 money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos." 

"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife makina love with another man.  Whadda you gonna do
  then......pointa to you watch and a say, 'Times Up'?"

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Sunday,  May 7, 2006


A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that  Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife  desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

 "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

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Saturday,  May 6, 2006

No Thanks!

I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have.  I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.

The new man, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?"

"No thanks." said the customer.  "I'll carry it home under my arm."

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Friday,  May 5, 2006

The New Car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

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Thursday,  May 4, 2006


The neighbor dropped in on Judi and found  her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Judi?" she asked.

Judi told her that she had "morning sickness."

Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even  know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just sick of mornings."

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Wednesday,  May 3, 2006

Paying The Bill

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old lady standing beside her, and smiled,  "Grandma will pay the bill."

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Tuesday,  May 2, 2006

Final Words

After Death   After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.

They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say,

'Look, he's moving!'"

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Monday,  May 1, 2006

Speed Trap

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.

"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added,

"Ever catch ALL the fish?"

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