Thursday, May 31, 2007
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
"Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
"How come?" I asked.
"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an
eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from
the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
It was Palm Sunday and Sue's five-year-old son had to stay home from church, with a neighbor, because he was sick.
When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.
His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy said, "The one Sunday I don't go, Jesus shows up!"
Monday, May 28, 2007
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Saturday, May 26, 2007
There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy. The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at his feet. "Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go. "Sure," replies the evangelist.
"Heel!" says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man's forehead and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."
Friday, May 25, 2007
An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"
Thursday, May 24, 2007
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
A naive young lady and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. ''NO!'' yelled the young woman.
The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.
''NO!'' she yelled again.
Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.
''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.
''For the last time, NO!'' said the woman.
Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
She looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son.
When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?"
Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my shirt pocket.
Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.
As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli."
Monday, May 21, 2007
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Sunday, May 20, 2007
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
Saturday, May 19, 2007
It seems that every time our piano tuner John comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.
"If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."
Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."
Friday, May 18, 2007
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Thursday, May 17, 2007
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, " Please wake me at 5:00 a.m."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m.
and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see
his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Three boys were heading home
from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal
one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a
90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it
crosses the plate!"
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Passing through a small town a driver noticed a sign at a gas station:
Last Chance to
Buy $3.05 Per Gallon Gas.
He had his tank filled, then asked, "How much is gas across the line?"
"$2.95" replied the attendant.
Monday, May 14, 2007
A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.
He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."
He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
He says, "Speaking!"
Sunday, May 13, 2007
This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.
I brought my selection - a Louisville Slugger baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "or are you going back to the DMV?"
Friday, May 11, 2007
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one.
Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Bert has this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother him, so he suggested his buddy Louie should see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, Louie refused... told Bert he was crazy.
Last week, Louie finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, Louie was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.
"So," Bert says, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
Louie just looked at Bert and said, "I stand corrected."
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows.
"Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."
"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."
Monday, May 7, 2007
Joan, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.
George, a dedicated Christian and man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?"
"Oh that was easy, . . . I charged one and let the other off."
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a day's training. One says to the other, "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race."
There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said, "I know what your problem is. I've seen you race and it looks to me like you begin the race really fast and use up all your energy too soon. Then towards the end, you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves, and when all the other horses are exhausted, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?"
The horses looked at one another and said, "WOW, a talking dog!"
Friday, May 4, 2007
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked.
"Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."
Thursday, May 3, 2007
I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in an airsickness courtesy bag.
After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your hand on the table here."
Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he does as the doctor says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's hand as hard as he can.
The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!"