Saturday, May 31, 2008
When a young man left his dorm and moved into an apartment, he went shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products. At the last minute he topped off his cart with a single, large bag of potato chips.
Seeing the checkout clerk's look, he explained, "I'm a very messy eater."
Friday, May 30, 2008
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing a whistle, and then walking off the field.
At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.
The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys" and walk with them. He protested loudly, so she finally got an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who's she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the Psalm says, Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life. So I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
A concerned husband went
to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf
because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat
Monday, May 26, 2008
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last 600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." the brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.
The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
Sunday, May 25, 2008
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."
Saturday, May 24, 2008
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
Friday, May 23, 2008
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.
Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice president. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in a young boy's voice, he answered: "I THINK IT'S ADAM'S UNDERWEAR"
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his ice cream and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
A big shot business man
had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the
nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None
of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head
nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room
and announced, "I have to take your
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
Monday, May 19, 2008
A husband and wife are
doing their grocery shopping.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.
"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Friday, May 16, 2008
One Sunday, in
counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville
Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened
again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering
was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink
envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome
by curiosity, approached her.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac. Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about non-existent illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to keep her happy.
One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his usual treatment. This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack.
On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock.
Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the cemetery.
The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything for worms?"
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Showing his friend around his his home, Mickey started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my wife asked her if the roast beef was rare. The waitress gave us a long blank look, then replied,
"Well, no - we have it, like, just about every day."
Monday, May 12, 2008
George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike AirJordan's."
George says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning!!!"
Sunday, May 11, 2008
A teacher in Elmira,
New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...AGAIN.
Little Johnny says, ' Because I'm not a Hillary fan. '
The teacher says, ' Why aren't you a Hillary fan? '
Johnny says, ' Because I'm a Republican. '
The teacher asks why he is a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, ' Well, my mom's a Republican and my dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican. '
The teacher asks, ' If your
mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you? '
Saturday, May 10, 2008
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."
He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."
Friday, May 9, 2008
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" cried Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Thursday, May 8, 2008
A dying man gathered
his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them
an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that
after his death and during his repose, they would place the three
envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough
money to enjoy the next life.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Geeze Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
A Grandpa and his young granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
Monday, May 5, 2008
Bill slumped against the bar, nursing a drink. A man sitting next to him asked, "If you could live your life over, would you change anything?"
"Yes, I wouldn't gamble." Bill said.
"Did you lose a lot of money?" the stranger asked sympathetically.
"No, I made a lot of money," Bill muttered, staring at his drink. "But, I used it to get married.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She said, "No," and slammed it down.
"Who was that?"
"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter.
Then it rang again. Nancy listened, said, "Kit Kat," and hung up.
"What now?" I asked.
"A boy plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a candy basket."
The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch.
"But, Mom," our daughter protested when she heard the story, "Kit Kat isn't my favorite."
"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."
Saturday, May 3, 2008
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your neighbor yet this year.
- You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, What's for dinner?
- Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are perverts.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
On her way back from the concession stand, Sally asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"
Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."
The woman nodded. "Oh good. Then this is my row."