Sunday, May 31, 2009
My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.
After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
Saturday, May 30, 2009
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and said, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Friday, May 29, 2009
Chris: How was your trip to New York?
Brian: Well, a mugger stopped me and said, "Gimme your money, or I'll blow your brains out."
Chris: What did you do?
Brian: I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away.
Chris: Wow! He told you to give him your money or he'd blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot??
Brian: Yeah. You don't need brains to live in New York, but you can't get along without money.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
One weekend my wife and I visited a shop in Maine. Arriving home, we realized we'd left our camera in the store. We returned a few weeks later, and sure enough, the clerk had the camera.
When we developed the film, two extra photos turned up. One was of a man standing outside the store holding a hand-lettered sign: I Found Your Camera.
The second showed another gentleman with a sign: I Took His Picture.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my face they would recognize."
Monday, May 25, 2009
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the pastor of a local church if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.
When they finished the job they called the pastor outside to look at their work. "The color looks a little dull," the pastor said. "You boys didn't cut the paint with water did you?"
They hung their heads and confessed they had. The pastor was very firm with them and said, "You must repaint and thin no more."
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Dentist: "Try to relax. I'll pull that aching tooth in five minutes."
Patient: "How much will this cost?"
Dentist: "It'll be $100."
Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"
Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."
Saturday, May 23, 2009
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Friday, May 22, 2009
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.
Onlookers watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
Thursday, May 21, 2009
While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council office, one of the professional staff -- who was wearing street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking about the NATO phonetic alphabet.
She said that she had learned it some years ago and proceeded to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..."
But, when she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and asked for help.
I offered a hint: "What AREN'T you wearing today?"
"Underwear?" she replied.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water.
"We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them."
As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge. It read:
BEAVERS 3 RANGERS 0
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Bravo's lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic!
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
Sunday, May 17, 2009
An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and find themselves at the gates of heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be admitted, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, "Welcome to heaven, my son."
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. "I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease," the doctor replies. "Welcome to heaven, my son," God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asks him what he was, and the man replies that he worked for an HMO. "Welcome to heaven, my son," says God, "but you have to leave in two days."
Saturday, May 16, 2009
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his coworkers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever about golf.
The pro showed him the stance and the swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh, great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
Friday, May 15, 2009
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," he replied.
The sheriff thought, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter T?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer had supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So Gomer wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant: "It went great! First day on the job, and I'm already working on a murder case!""
Thursday, May 14, 2009
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas,"
the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
A grandson went up to his grandpa and said, "Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?"
A few minutes later the granddaughter came up and said, "Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?"
"No. Why do you kids keep asking me if I can talk like a frog?"
"Because Dad said, 'When grandpa croaks, we can go to Disneyland.'''
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
Monday, May 11, 2009
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."
The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"
Sunday, May 10, 2009
One day this mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought.
Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything.
Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.
A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff."
His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem," he said, ... "I can stop any time."
Saturday, May 9, 2009
The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled.
"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."
The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver.
"The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski."
Friday, May 8, 2009
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized her laugh!"
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The big red "F" stared back at him. Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"
"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.
"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.
Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is !!
I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was... The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: " What is 3x3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, " I think Johnny can go to the third grade," The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal' eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied," Pockets".
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, " Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions".
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Two little boys are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm here for a urine test."
Monday, May 4, 2009
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Felix was playing golf with the town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Friday, May 1, 2009
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."