May 31, 2010
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats.
With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer."
She stopped short as the group broke out laughing.
Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.
May 30, 2010
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."
May 29, 2010
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
May 28, 2010
The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news and bad news."
"Oh, no..." muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
May 27, 2010
When I lived in Kansas, we had a tornado drill. We're underneath a parking garage and there's a PA announcement "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from all windows."
Somebody yelled out: "Quick, get to a DOS prompt!"
May 26, 2010
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice- neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
May 25, 2010
I wanted a haircut and phoned a salon early for an appointment but was told customers were taken on a walk-in basis only. On Saturday I got there by 9 a.m. and there were already ten people waiting. I drove to another salon, but it was booked solid. Still another had no openings.
The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home. My husband greeted me at the door. "That was fast," he said cheerfully.
"Your hair looks great!"
May 24, 2010
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
May 23, 2010
My buddy Mike had season tickets to the Detroit Lions football games. That year they had such a miserable record that he couldn't give away two tickets to a game he wasn't able to attend. While parking at the mall, he decided to leave the tickets under his windshield wiper.
"And that worked?" I asked.
"Not exactly," said Mike. "I returned to find six more tickets to the same game."
May 22, 2010
A frog goes to have his fortune told. The swami looks at his little webbed palm and says, "Aha! You're about to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "Thanks! I'm going to run right back to the pond so I won't miss her."
The swami says, "You won't meet her at the pond. You're going to meet her in her freshman biology class."
May 21, 2010
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
May 20, 2010
A group of 40-year-old
girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was
agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the
waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
May 19, 2010
After booking my 85-year-old mother on a flight from Newark to Albuquerque, I called the airline to go over her needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother need a rental car?"
May 18, 2010
It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.
"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.
"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.
The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."
"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
May 17, 2010
Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance' Chris was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting, the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."
Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong.
"I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"
May 16, 2010
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I act like I'm listening."
May 15, 2010
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
May 14, 2010
The family had finally gotten their first dishwasher. The father liked to inspect every new thing that cam into the house, so he stayed in the kitchen and watched the display count down all forty-four minutes of the dishwashing cycle.
Suddenly he called out for his wife, shouting, "It's useless, the dishwasher is useless!"
The wife was amazed that the newest appliance could be broken after only one use, but he insisted that because they had a water softener, the dishwasher was useless.
She decided to look for herself, and there it was, on the inside door, next to the detergent dispenser:
USE LESS WITH SOFT WATER
May 13, 2010
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
May 12, 2010
Harry the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they're approached by an angel.
"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you've ever experienced. You'll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities -- pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man."
At this point, Harry gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. "If it wasn't for you and that stupid oat bran, we'd have been here ten years ago!"
May 11, 2010
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
"Dammit!" he says, "Now we have to pee in the boat!"
May 10, 2010
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, "Panty stitcher...I sew the elastic onto women's panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.
Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic and he pulls on it and says, "Yep, dese'll fit 'er."
May 9, 2010
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said. "To make the gravy!"
May 8, 2010
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six!" he said.
May 7, 2010
A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide,
"Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"
"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.
"But where are the glaciers?"
"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."
May 6, 2010
This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare!" So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no clue who their fathers are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dogs get their first checks Friday.
May 5, 2010
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost.
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
May 4, 2010
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go fix them a couple drinks. As he's standing there he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beat red and says, "Gee, oh...I'm sorry...I..."
She continues, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
May 3, 2010
A man gave his son a scolding so the boy decided to run away.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father decided to handle the matter calmly. "What if you get hungry?" he said.
"Then I'll come home and eat!" the boy said bravely.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I'll come home and get some!" readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let Mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head, "Are you running away from home or are you going off to college?"
May 2, 2010
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
May 1, 2010
Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church.
One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up.
Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.
His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."
Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"