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May, 2011

Coke Machine New Ideas Tonight
Cold Cream Too Bad Bus Seat
 Art Gallery Nudes Computer Matching Dentist Visit
Another Golfer Aching Tooth Skipping School
Letters to the Pastor Anything You Can Do Rescue Anne
Great Writing Roughhousing Desertion
The First Words Two Morons A Supposed True Story
Tip The Scales You Have To Cuss At It My Son The Saint
Frozen Turkey Got Stuck Beware the Trees
The Ultimate Chain Letter . . . 3 Men, 3 Wishes Good Guess 
  Qualified Meteorologist  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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May 31, 2011

Qualified Meteorologist

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

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May 30, 2011

Good Guess 

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.  He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.  Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

 

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May 29, 2011

3 Men, 3 Wishes

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide, and he said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink."

The men were thrilled, and the first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!''

Plop! He landed in a glass of beer and was happy as can be.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,''Lemonaaaaaaaaaaaaade!!!''

Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade, and was thrilled

The third guy went down the slide yelling, ''Wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

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May 28, 2011

The Ultimate Chain Letter . . .

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at he top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One manís pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

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May 27, 2011

Beware the Trees

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

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May 26, 2011

Got Stuck

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that read "low bridge ahead." Before he knew it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.  Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of  gas."

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May 25, 2011

Frozen Turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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May 24, 2011

My Son The Saint

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

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May 23, 2011

You Have To Cuss At It

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it.  He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.  The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string.  It'll come back to ya."

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May 22, 2011

Tip The Scales

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?" asked the first boy.

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."

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May 21, 2011

A Supposed True Story

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife  told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked; "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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May 20, 2011

Two Morons

Two morons were working on a house.

The one who was nailing down siding would  reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other moron, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,  "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first moron explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second moron yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

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May 19, 2011

The First Words

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.  Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do. 

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

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May 18, 2011

Desertion

A woman with 14 children, ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.

"When did he desert you, "the judge asked.

"Thirteen years ago" she replied.

"If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?"

"Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

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May 17, 2011

Roughhousing

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much.

How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

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May 16, 2011

Great Writing

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. 

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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May 15, 2011

Rescue Anne

Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.

Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She says she can't feel her legs!"

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May 14, 2011

Anything You Can Do

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. 

The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

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May 13, 2011

Letters to the Pastor

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.  Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week.  I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.  Robert, Page 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance.  Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?  Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious.  She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.  Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.  Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen.  Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.  Sincerely, Eleanor.  Age 12, Sarasota

**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots.  I am flying to California tomorrow.  Laurie.  Age 10, New York City

**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.  Thank you.  Alexander.  Age 10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments.  But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.   Joshua.  Age 10, South Pasadena

**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to?  Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher.  Age 9, Titusville

**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth?  I think there may be one in my class.  Carla.  Age 10, Salina

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday.  Especially when it was finished.  Ralph, Age 11, Akron

**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people?  Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie.  Age 9, Lewiston

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May 12, 2011

Skipping School

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-in-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

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May 11, 2011

Aching Tooth

Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient - "How much will this cost?"

Dentist - "It`ll be $100."

Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

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May 10, 2011

Another Golfer

After a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddy and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddy in the world!"

 "No, I don't think so," said the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

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May 9, 2011

Dentist Visit

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth."

The woman then says "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

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May 8, 2011

Computer Matching

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

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May 7, 2011

 Art Gallery Nudes

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

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May 6, 2011

Bus Seat

 A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

 She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

 A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

 Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

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May 5, 2011

Too Bad

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.

First woman-- "I froze to death.

Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died"

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

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May 4, 2011

Cold Cream

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

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May 3, 2011

Tonight

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

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May 2, 2011

New Ideas

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!

I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!

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May 1, 2011

Coke Machine

A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pocket, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pocket, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pocket.

After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor. Finally, the guy behind her, getting mad, asks her, "What are you Doing?!"

She responds, "Duh, I'm winning."

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