May 31, 2012
A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
May 30, 2012
An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court.
A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
May 29, 2012
I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
May 28, 2012
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
May 27, 2012
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf.
Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball onto the green.
Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap, where the ball curiously floats. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green.
Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water also. As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns around and says, “Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit messing around and play golf?”
May 26, 2012
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer.
Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
May 25, 2012
A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of Woods.
The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.
But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.
"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."
May 24, 2012
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.
"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave.
"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."
May 23, 2012
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and to let the air out of the tires.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
May 22, 2012
Three men of the cloth -- a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi -- were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two churches and one
synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income).
The priest was the first to speak: “I know what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us.”
The Baptist minister cried, “No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us.”
The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he offered this
suggestion: “What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours.”
May 21, 2012
A traveling salesman pulled up outside a lonely farmhouse. He got out and knocked on the door.
An elderly woman answered the door and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"I'm afraid I don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard shouts behind him and saw the woman and an equally old man in the rear view waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.
"This is my husband," the woman said at last. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either!"
May 20, 2012
As Bud and his wife Flo were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, "It's 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" Flo said.
"I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.
And so it went all the way to the vacation...
As they got off the airplane, they passed a man. Bud abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?" As they began to walk away, Bud turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're Velcome!" he called back.
May 19, 2012
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, “Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!”
The vendor said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.”
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, “Those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about.” Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator, swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Lying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, “Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!”
May 18, 2012
Three turtles, Joe, Bill, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Bill, gimme the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Bill says, "I thought you packed it."
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. "Do you have the bottle opener?" Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Bill beg Raymond to go back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great grand-turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Bill are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Bill starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts, "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, "I knew it!, I'm not going!"
May 17, 2012
One beautiful Saturday morning, as their usual foursome rounded onto the 16th green, a funeral procession quietly passed by on the street.
John, an avid hacker, was putting when he suddenly stopped. He stood somewhat "at attention," took off his hat, and held it on his heart. The other three golfers were awed by John's display of thoughtfulness.
When the funeral procession completely passed, they said, "Wow John, we didn't know you were such a compassionate person."
To which he replied "You know guys, after 34 years of marriage, that's the least I could do."
May 16, 2012
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
May 15, 2012
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bubba's trailer house, Bubba asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Bubba. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Bubba.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
May 14, 2012
A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
May 13, 2012
A local doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back."
The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."
May 12, 2012
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
May 11, 2012
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
"I'm glad that you feel this way." she said, "Because tomorrow morning my mother is moving in."
May 10, 2012
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"
The fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"
May 9, 2012
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The policeman rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"
May 8, 2012
During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit.
"Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written on your palm?"
"Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."
May 7, 2012
Man: Do you serve breakfast here?
Waitress: Sure, what'll it be?
Man: Let me have watery scrambled eggs... some burnt
toast... and some weak coffee, lukewarm.
Waitress: Whatever you say, sir.
Man: Now, are you doing anything while that order is going through.
Waitress: Why-no , sir.
Man: Then sit here and nag me awhile... I'm feeling homesick.
May 6, 2012
A Marine Corps drill instructor had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant, he said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The kid said, "Not me, sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the Marines, I'd never stand in another line."
May 5, 2012
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It's a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
May 4, 2012
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
May 3, 2012
After church, Andy tells his parents he has to go and talk to the pastor right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Andy says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Andy, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
May 2, 2012
The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young naval student. “What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?”
“I'd throw out an anchor, sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“I'd throw out another anchor, sir.”
“But what if a third storm sprang up forward?”
“I'd throw out another anchor, captain.”
“Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?”
“From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir.”
May 1, 2012
Just to be different, a farmer in Holland decided to plant wheat one year instead of tulips. While he was planting his crop, he noticed water oozing from the dam which kept his field from flooding.
Thinking it didn't amount to much, and that the water might be needed by the wheat, he let the leak alone.
Many months later, when it was time to harvest his crop, he awoke to find his house filled with rising water. The trickle of water from the dam had become a gusher, and his fields were completely flooded.
Luckily, the farmer was able to improvise a raft from one of the doors and found a board to use as an oar. He was able to escape just before the dam burst completely and washed his house away.
The moral of the story - As ye seep, so shall ye row.