A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How did you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.' "
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."
May 29, 2013
May 29, 2013
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked. She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!"
May 28, 2013
May 28, 2013
A buddy of mine was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. My buddy had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the man was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, “Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind guy replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
May 27, 2013
May 27, 2013
My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days.
The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.
The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street. "A black cat?"
the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter."
May 26, 2013
May 26, 2013
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course in college.
"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."
May 25, 2013
May 25, 2013
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife.
The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out.
“Well,” the man began, “I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said ‘Yes.’
Then I asked her ‘Why?’
She replied, ‘Because I love you.’”
May 24, 2013
May 24, 2013
Sometime after William died, his widow, Beatrice, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"William thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside and handed me three envelopes. 'Bea,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know William is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged William a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air showing off her ten carat diamond ring, Beatrice said, "So, do you like my stone?"
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television..."
Little Johnny comes home from school at the end of a term from school with his report card. The report card has all D's and F's.
His parents start lecturing him, and Johnny explains that everyone in his class did poorly not just him.
"But what about David down the street," they said, "he brought home all A's and B's"
"Well David is different." He retorted
"How so?" His father asked.
"'Cuz his parents are smart!"
May 21, 2013
May 21, 2013
It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him.
Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother.
"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"
This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.
A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
May 18, 2013
May 18, 2013
God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates. "Thou art hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread, and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Mother Teresa says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives, and another can of tuna is opened. Mother Teresa can contain herself no longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand..."
God sighs. "Oy, let's be honest, Mother Teresa," God says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
May 17, 2013
May 17, 2013
Bob got a new job as a bartender. A patron ordered a Manhattan.
When Bob served the drink, there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass. "What in the world is this?" asked the man.
Bob peered into the glass and replied, "That's Central Park."
May 16, 2013
May 16, 2013
A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat.
The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the bench in the hall. The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn't listen and just repeats the same orders then leaves the area.
The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man sitting on the bench. The man starts complaining to the man already sitting there, that he only has a sore throat and doesn't understand why he has to take all his clothes off.
The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at the other man and says "You think that's bad, I'm just here to pay my bill."
May 15, 2013
May 15, 2013
A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.''
The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.''
So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another?''
She says,'' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.''
The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things
May 14, 2013
May 14, 2013
Shawn was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 65 MPH. He accelerated to 70 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 80 MPH and the chicken passed him up.
Then Shawn noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer replied, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."
Shawn asked him how they tasted.
The farmer answered, "Don't know. I haven't caught one yet."
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not a voice mail system -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
This is the refrigerator. The voice mail system is busy right now, but if you leave a message I will stick it to myself with a cow magnet.
May 12, 2013
May 12, 2013
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and says, “Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t there anyone too low for you to defend?”
“I don’t know,” Ernie replies, “What have you done?”
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, "Lady, what you really want is a television set!"
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."
A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"
"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."
Mortified doesn't even begin to describe how Jane's parents felt about meeting her new beau. He sported tattoos and piercings, swore like a sailor, and simply had a hostile air about him.
After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."
"Mom," Jane said, "if he weren't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
HOW TO WRITE BIG BOOKS by Warren Peace
I LOST MY BALANCE by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
THE GERMAN BANK ROBBERY by Hans Zupp
I HATE THE SUN by Gladys Knight
PRISON SECURITY by Barb Dwyer
May 4, 2013
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. Just let sleeping dogs lie."
May 2, 2013
One evening after dinner, my daughter came into the office asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Dad," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"
As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "I know! It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."'
May 1, 2013
May 1, 2013
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''''
''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.
''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''