Sunday, May 31, 1998
Lil' Johnny and Lil' Suzie were walking
home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up
along side the road, going at it like rabbits.
"What are they doing,
Johnny?" Suzie asked.
Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his
12 years, knew what they were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said,
"Well, he's scaring her."
Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh."
They walked a little
further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil'
Well, Lil' Johnny
thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared"
After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon,
they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are they
Lil' Johnny?" she asked.
"Well, he's scaring her."
Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny."
So, Lil' Johnny took her into the
bushes and "scared" her again.
After they were finished, they continued
walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field,
going at it.
"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny?" she asked again.
he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.
After a few more minutes of walking,
Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny."
Lil' Johnny, not being as
much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "Boo, damn it,
Saturday, May 30,
There was this little guy sitting in a
bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude
comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the
The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again
when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,
"That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of
this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is
gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up
behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!"-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking
him to the ground.
The little guy looks at the big dude and says, "Crowbar
Friday, May 29, 1998
While out one morning in the park, a
jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong
to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he
stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A young
lady standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless
"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that much be painful.. I had
tennis elbow once."
A boy and his date were parked on a
back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads
some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
should've mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker, and I charge $20
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should've
mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town
Thursday, May 28,
The Smart Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next
to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap,
so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!"
figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first
question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't
say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it
to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes
up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and
the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde
and hands her $50. The blond politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into
her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Wednesday, May 27,
New York Shuttle
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of
Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle
seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle
seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was
gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli
returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is
gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli
returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he
asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity...
this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Tuesday, May 26,
Before the Surgery
A beautiful young woman went into the
hospital for a minor operation. On the day of her operation, the nurses prepared
her and wheeled her down to the operating theatre, and left her
lying outside on a trolley for a few minutes.
While she was lying
there, a young man in a white coat came along, lifted her gown up, and began to
examine her naked body. He then went away and consulted with another colleague
in a white coat. They both returned and examined her again. A third colleague
was called over, and he too began to examine her.
By this time, the young
lady was becoming quite frustrated at the long wait for her operation, and
inquired from the white coated individuals: "Look, I don't mind you examining
me, but when is this operation going to start?"
"We haven't got a clue,
lady," came the reply, "we're just the painters."
Monday, May 25, 1998
A little old ladies phone rings late
one night and she answers it.
"Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I
know you, you would like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes
off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."
The old lady looks
at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from
a single 'Hello?'"
The Birds and the
A farmer was helping one of his cows
give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence with
wide-eyes, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great...
he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees
now. No need to jump the gun - I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed
lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Sunday, May 24, 1998
Just Gotta Cut
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred
one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you
and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides,
even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town,
we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night
and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face
became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in
advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in
my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my
garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at
Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father
forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last
night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of
prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, "God
is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail
Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.
A while later, their places
were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a
short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call
yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all
your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times
on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss
absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked.
"What about our agreement??"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is
one thing, but I take my job seriously."
Saturday, May 23,
An old cowboy dressed to kill with
cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As
he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows,
breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not
a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.
while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down
next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but
I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Friday, May 22, 1998
Captain and His
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the
waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my
red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although
some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending
boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever
bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the
Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that
night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and
asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?".
Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I
am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men
will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marvelling at the
courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed
that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their
The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
Thursday, May 21,
A primary school teacher in the Bronx
decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She
asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said
"Very good" replied the teacher, "what sound do sheep
"Baaaa" answered Billy.
She continued this for a while.
asked "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She
was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall
Wednesday, May 20,
Reaching the end of a job interview,
the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the
neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14
paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50%
of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
True story, as heard on the news on
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun,
whose purpose it is to launch dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken
at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at
that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. The idea being, that it will simulate
the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine
if the windshields are strong enough.
British engineers, upon hearing of the
gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high speed
trains. However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as
the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console,
snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of
the cabin. Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any
suggestions. The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response:
Tuesday, May 19,
A defendant was on trial for murder.
There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably
be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have
a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one
minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He
looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said,
"Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this
case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes
later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client
Monday, May 18, 1998
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from
school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice
cream...when his mother enters the kitchen.
"Put that away Johnny. You can't
have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time." She says, "Go outside and
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register
surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a
bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his
fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt
in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of
his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny
says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice
Saturday, May 16,
Mother Of Six
A man has six children and is very
proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his
wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a
party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his
wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go
home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A Dilapidated Old Fire Truck
A fire started on some grasslands near
a farm. The county fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was
more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a
nearby volunteer branch be called. Though there was doubt that the volunteer
outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire,
and stopped in the middle of the flames!
The firemen jumped off the truck
and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed
out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer
fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that
right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department
planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious," he responded,
wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes
fixed on our fire truck!"
Saturday, May 16,
A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and
lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed
and she is shot 3 times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital and was
As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says,
"Oh! You are going to have triplets! They are fine but each one has a bullet
lodged in its stomach. Don't worry, though, the bullets will pass through their
system through normal metabolism."
As time goes by the woman has 3 children,
2 girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her
mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very wierd thing!"
Her mother asks her
what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet."
The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears in her
eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"
The mother says, "let me guess.
You passes a bullet in the toilet, right?"
The daughter looks up from her
teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you know?" The mother comforts her child and
explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and
says "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the
toilet, right?", she asks.
"No. I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
Friday, May 15, 1998
An old Jewish man goes to a diner every
day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him
how he liked his meal. The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but
you could give a little more bread."
So the next day the manager tells the
waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager
asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight
slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot,
but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.
So ... the next day
the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup.
"How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot,
but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.
manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with
his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread.
When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut
the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along
the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours
both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of
The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and
when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual
way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
The old man replies: "It wass goot as
usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of
Thursday, May 14,
Making $400 A
A man came home from work one day to
find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her
where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that
I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free."
He pondered that
for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and
She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked.
He said, "I want to see how
you are going to live on $800.00 a year."
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg
is frowning and looking a tad put out. The egg mutters to no-one in particular "
I guess we answered that question"
Wednesday, May 13,
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire
trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's
so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...
please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going
to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and
somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the
lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house,
and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help
and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto
this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "
Suddenly there is a
blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice
of GOD himself:
"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A FREAKING
Tuesday, May 12,
A Little Proof
A quiet little man was brought before a
judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at
the little man in amazement.
"Can you tell me in your own words what
happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the laws of
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well, I was at the
library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me
my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the
registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another
card. And I got back in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
man at the counter asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'
....So I stabbed him."
Monday, May 11, 1998
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a
Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night
with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only
have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I
am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to
the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was
heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you
, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith
believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places
with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on
the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies,
"I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in
my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but
went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another
knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and
there stood the pig and the cow.
Sunday, May 10, 1998
Finally a Mom
With the help of a fertility
specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come
to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to
see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later
they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother
says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until
the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a
woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the
proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose
memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to
be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: What it's too late
for your child to do by the time you scream it
PRENATAL: When your life
was still somewhat your own.
CHILDBIRTH A contradiction
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping
carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep
to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should
never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the
baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: None of the kids
that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly
into "get a sponge."
Saturday, May 9,
Joan, who was a rather
well-proportioned secretary, decided to spend some of her vacation sunbathing on
the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second,
she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it
for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the
stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your
sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing
suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather
calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining
Friday, May 8,
Mouth in Overdrive
There was a boy who worked in the
produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of
lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the
man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the
back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half
a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the
man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of
trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave
Minnesota" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and
hockey players up there."
Really replied the manager, "My wife is from
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play
Water in the
My wife came home yesterday and said,
"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her
what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor. I thought for a
moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the
carburetor from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely water in the
carburetor" she insisted.
"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look.
Where is it?"
"In the lake."
Thursday, May 7,
CHEATING ON YOUR TAXES
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he
was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he
could not go to heaven rightaway. He asked what he did and God told him that he
cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven
would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five
years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was
with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he
asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes
and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They
both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to
be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along,
minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw
their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead
gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable
goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied "I
have no idea, and i'm definately not complaining. This has been absolutely the
best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any
man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to
herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!
Wednesday, May 6,
Giving the Dog a
A young boy, about eight years old, was
at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of
laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the
boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm
going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's
very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it
might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the
detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk
him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store
to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he
was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent
on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent
that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin
Tuesday, May 5, 1998
When Albert Einstein was making the
rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get
back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another
rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat
resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech
so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly
and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein
donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The
chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a
few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an
extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and
there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely
stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let
my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Monday, May 4, 1998
Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job.
He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to
give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.
After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few
corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the
holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang
it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother
A young boy accompanied his father to a
horse auction. He watched his father enter a stall, bend down, and run his hands
up and down the animal's legs.
"What are you doing, Dad?" the boy asked.
"This is the way you decide whether or not to buy a horse," his father
The boy's face grew serious.
"Gee, Dad, we better hurry home.
The milk man stopped in yesterday and I think he wants to buy
Sunday, May 3, 1998
A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul
in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man
with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man
sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the
Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says.
"Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, "May
God bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the
Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first
race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure
enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora
at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He
explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the
track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
where's the money," she says?
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a
horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named
Saturday, May 2,
(A particularly good one for
those of you brushing up on the kooky language of
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could
decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!
Even more, bedmakers
will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be
deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be
delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be
debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
On a more
positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
Friday, May1, 1998
Two prostitutes were riding around town
with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A
policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have
to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed
with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car
go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So
the two ladies took their sign down and took off.
The following day
found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around
with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..........
ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."
This is a True Story excerpted from a
local radio interview:
The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a
Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these
children on this adventure holiday?"
Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them
climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit
irresponsible, isn't it?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a
terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see
how; we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent
Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not
one, are you?"