Monday, May 31, 1999
A lady was walking down the
street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The
parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is
She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the
same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was
incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the
store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager
replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You
Sunday, May 30, 1999
"If there are any idiots in the
room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long
silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider
yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I
don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by
Saturday, May 29,
Two very elderly ladies were
enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park
every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and
says,...." Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all
these years...What is your name ? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2
full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says....How soon do you have to
Friday, May 28, 1999
A man is eating in a fancy
restaurant, and there is a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He has been
checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she
sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He
reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, "
the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy you dinner to
make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the
woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and
after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him.
couple makes passionate love all night. The next morning when he awakens, she
has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You
know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet." "No",
she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
Thursday, May 27,
A mother took her three year
old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and
then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet
until the little one started to sing in a loud voice "Happy Birthday to
When Lori was about four years
old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. Her Dad got out
his wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire
service to her. Once finished, he asked if she had any questions, and she
replied, "Oh, I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for
Wednesday, May 26,
Why a Dog Can't Use the Computer
#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his
#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE
are out of the question.
#8. Saliva-coated floppy
disks refuse to work.
#7. Three words: carpal paw
#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway
that he's browsing http://www.purina.com/
instead of working.
#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply
#4. He can't help attacking the screen
when he hears "You've Got Mail"
#3. It's too messy to
"mark" every Web site he visits.
#2. The FETCH command
isn't available on all platforms.
#1. He can't stick his
head out of Windows 95.
Tuesday, May 25,
A truck driver was driving
along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he
knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says, "Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."
Monday, May 24, 1999
Good News and Bad
A large two-engine train was
crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke
down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half power. Farther
on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why
the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and
gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both
engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is
that at least we're not on a plane".
Several weeks after a young man
had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the
meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told
us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said
you wanted somebody with imagination."
Sunday, May 23, 1999
One day a cat dies of natural
causes and goes to heaven. There he meets
the Lord Himself. The Lord says to
the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in
Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and
says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a
poor family and had to sleep on
a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a
wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a
tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to
great them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have
been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have
roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no
more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week
later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing
on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things
since you got
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better
than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending
by are the best!"
Saturday, May 22,
A three-year-old went with his
dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly
informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mom asked.
"Daddy picked them up
and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the
Friday, May 21, 1999
Seventy year-old George went
for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal
results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great
physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your
God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the
night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then
(poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith,
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's
wife. "Thelma," he said,
"George is just fine. Physically he's
great. But, I had to call because I'm
in awe of his relationship with
God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and (poof!) the light
goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
Thursday, May 20,
A little four year old girl was
diligently pounding away on her grandmas computer. She told her she was writing
a story. "What's it about?" she asked.
"I don't know," the little girl
replied. "I can't read."
Wednesday, May 19,
A new neighbor asked the little
girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the
A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from
a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At
last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you
Tuesday, May 18,
Doing Something Nice For Dad
Unable to attend the funeral
after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him,
"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for
$200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which
he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept
arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out
what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something
nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Monday, May 17, 1999
** Never squat with your spurs
** Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
** There's two
theories to arguin' with a woman.... Neither one works.
** Don't worry
about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot
bigger than you think.
** If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
** Never ask a man
the size of his spread.
** After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and
shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
** It don't take a genius to
spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
** Never ask a barber if he thinks you
need a haircut.
** Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
** Always drink upstream from the
** Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
** If you're ridin'
ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still
** When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,
don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
** When you're throwin'
your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody
** Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin'
** The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and
put it back in your pocket.
Sunday, May 16, 1999
One day a man came home from
work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were playing outside in the mud,
still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes and dishes were on the kitchen
counter. There was dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table
and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewed with toys, and
a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to
look for his wife. He was
worried that she might be ill or that something
terrible had happened to
her. He found her in the bedroom still in bed with
her pajamas on, reading
a book. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how
his day had gone. He
looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened
She answered, "You know, every day, you come home from work and
ask me what I did today?"
"Yes" was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today,
I didn't do it!"
Saturday, May 15,
Six-year-old Angie and her
four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang,
and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not
supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two
men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Friday, May 14, 1999
Some of the things to think
about in your spare time:
1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
4. If God
dropped acid, would he see people?
5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns,
do the rest drown too?
6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still
7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you
9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
12. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why
isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
14. Why is there an
expiration date on sour cream?
15. If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?
16. The main reason Santa is so
jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
17. I went to a
bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She
said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
18. If all those
psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still
19. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
Thursday, May 13,
Andy Rooney's Perpective on...
...Ads in Bills
ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills
aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in with them. I
get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.
Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?
My wife uses fabric softener. I
never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to
me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their
territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.
My grandmother has a
bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want
to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your
...Reverse Life Cycle
The most unfair thing about life is
the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your
time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a
bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die
first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You
get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You
work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a
little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months
floating...you finish off as a gleam.
Can you believe
how many award shows they have now? They have awards for
commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of
commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole
You know those shows where people call in and
vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I
don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I
don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have
to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably
calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the
Did you ever hear one of those corny,
positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for
the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the
Wednesday, May 12,
A golfer hit his drive on the
first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it
hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he
went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back
straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the
Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a
golfer, is that correct?"
"Yes, I am," he replied.
St Peter then said, "Do
you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got
here in 2, didn't I?"
Tuesday, May 11,
Two kids were having a fist
fight in the park when a policeman happened by and broke it up. "What's going on
here?" said the policeman.
"She called me stupid" replied the little
The policeman looked at the little girl. "That wasn't very nice. Why
don't you tell him you're sorry?'
Intimidated by the officer's presence, the
"Okay," she said to the boy, "I'm sorry you're
Monday, May 10, 1999
One Sunday a pastor told his
congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to
prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that
whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone
had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately
shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the
person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady
all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to
the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it
was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to
the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
Sunday, May 9, 1999
You Know You're Getting Old
You need less mileage and more
Prime time is bedtime
Everyone seems too young to be
doing what they're doing
You feel the only one who understands you is
You have morning-afters without the
The snap, crackle, pop comes from you and not the
You start ordering oatmeal in Mexican restaurants
to sex as "Oh, that"
You stop dressing for success and start dressing for
You spell relief N-A-P
All print is fine print
have to build an extension to your make-up table
Saturday, May 8,
A circus owner runs an ad for a
lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his
mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious
lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's
your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps
right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to
charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her
beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up
to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses
them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the
floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He
then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man
replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the
Friday, May 7, 1999
A Little boy was afraid of the
dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want
to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You
don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll
look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real
hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is
everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the
back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called
"Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the
Thursday, May 6,
Ludwig van Beethoven
A tourist in Vienna is going
through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around,
so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds
it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven,
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is
being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend
to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece,
it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in
which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next
day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all
listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the
graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if
he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says
incredulously. "He's decomposing."
Wednesday, May 5,
One night, a police officer was
stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving
under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the
bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found
his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several
minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and
began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results
showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated
There's the story about the man
working the night desk at the FBI office. They got a lot of wrong numbers,
because it was similar to the pizza joint.
One night he answered "FBI." When
the caller hesitated he said "You meant to call Dominoes ..."
exclaimed "Wow, you guys really do know everything!"
Tuesday, May 4, 1999
The Life of Married Men
- Just think, if it weren't for
marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to
a woman. Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them. And if he did, he'd
be wise not to try.
- Personally I think one of the greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around
the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
- Did any
of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have
loved and lost, than to have loved and won?
Monday, May 3, 1999
- NEW - Different color from
- ALL NEW - Parts and accessories not interchangable with
- EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
- UNMATCHED -
Almost as good as the competition
- DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's
cost cut to the bone
- FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for
- ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand
- IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
- HIGH ACCURACY - Unit
on which all parts fit
- DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument
- YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that
- REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitiors'
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it
- FUTURISTIC - No
other reason why it looks the way it does
- DISTINCTIVE - A different
shape and color than the others
- MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to
- RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope...
HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves
PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period
- MEETS ALL STANDARDS -
Ours, not yours
- ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Hell!
QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise
- HIGH RELIABILITY - We made
it work long enough to ship it
- NEW GENERATION - Old design failed,
maybe this one will work
- MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a
- CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can reach
us from most airports
- UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had
before worked THIS way
- BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got
it to fit together
- MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't
- LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our new techs was laid off
Sunday, May 2, 1999
A woman of questionable
intelligence is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why,
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and
says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus
Saturday, May 1,
Farmer Joe decided his injuries
from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible
for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer
was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine," asked the lawyer.
Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any
details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not
say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
By this time the judge was fairly interested in
Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what the man has
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I
was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked
my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the
accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his
gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road
with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, 'Your
mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you