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June, 2003

Monday, June 30, 2003

Senior Citizens

At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

Sunday, June 29, 2003

Not Quite

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Saturday, June 28, 2003

Good Golfer

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a might swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?".

The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

Friday, June 27, 2003

Recall

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

 "What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

 The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

 The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

 "Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall."

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Oops!

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said,

"I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Jones. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell -- the nut has gone to heaven."

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Can't be Bought

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.  "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."  From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out,

"Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Coffee Pot

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and  I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.

I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door.

"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

Monday, June 23, 2003

Service

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. A harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds like someone just got their food."

Sunday, June 22, 2003

Prognosis

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

Saturday, June 21, 2003

His Name

One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.  Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"

Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.  When she went in at 5 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read,

"My name is Daniel." 

Friday, June 20, 2003

Joining The Circus

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird impressions?"

Thursday, June 19, 2003

More You Know You're Getting Older When...

- All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

- The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

- Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

- It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

- You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

- You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

You Know You're Getting Older When...

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

- At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

- You wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- You're on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.

- You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time.

- You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Seniors Classic

Three older ladies were discussing the trials of  getting older

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of  mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock  on wood."  She raps her knuckles on the table, then she, says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

Monday, June 16, 2003

Message In A Bottle

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

Sunday, June 15, 2003

A TEENAGER IS...

-A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.

-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.

-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

-An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Two Robins

Two robins are perched a telephone wire when one spots a whole bunch of tasty, juicy worms wriggling temptingly in the grass below. They swoop down and hungrily begin eating their fill. After stuffing themselves, they feel so sleepy and full that they can't manage to fly back up to the wire. One robin suggests that they lay in the sun for a bit while they digest their meal. Well, sure enough, a cat comes along and gobbles up both of them.

 The cat licks her lips and says, "Man, do I love baskin' robins!"

Friday, June 13, 2003

Father Wouldn't Like It

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.  "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real tyrant. Tell me where I can find him, and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Black Eyes

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a half hour later with a black eye as well.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Two Shepherds

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."

The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Tense

An English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"

Monday, June 9, 2003

Outdoor Bar-B-Que

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing - It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
 
  1. The woman goes to the store.
  2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
  3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
  4. The man places the meat on the grill.
  5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
  6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
  7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
  8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
  9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
  10. The man ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off".

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Sunday, June 8, 2003

Perfect System

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Saturday, June 7, 2003

Daddy's Trick

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do
the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

Friday, June 6, 2003

Flight Jitters

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska.  Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seatmate said.  "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?"

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

Thursday, June 5, 2003

Cured

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did.

"Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"

The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

Wednesday, June 4, 2003

Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.

"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help.  What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

Tuesday, June 3, 2003

Wishing Well

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well.

The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "Wow, it WORKS!"

Monday, June 2, 2003

Just For Fun

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch. They all chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" asks the son.

"I don't like her." says the mother.

Sunday, June 1, 2003

Bad Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."