Monday, June 30, 2003
nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior Citizens were sitting
around talking about their ailments:
are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied
turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which
several nodded weakly in agreement.
pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly
shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.
it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still
Sunday, June 29, 2003
stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight
and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Saturday, June 28, 2003
set up his ball on the first tee, took a might swing and hit his ball into
a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees
he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another
mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead
and killed him.
approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are
you a good golfer?".
replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
Friday, June 27, 2003
elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant
spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the
turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy,
you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall."
Thursday, June 26, 2003
minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon
the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open
casket and consoling the widow, he said,
this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Jones. But we must remember that what
we see here is the husk only, the shell -- the nut has gone to heaven."
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Can't be Bought
minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six
dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price
will be only $5.50." From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice
"Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a
coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with
water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and
reapplying some makeup.
I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the
"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the
Monday, June 23, 2003
restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans
watching a sporting event on television. A harried waitress took our
order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts
of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds like someone just got their
Sunday, June 22, 2003
Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient.
"You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his
composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical
insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."
Saturday, June 21, 2003
weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when
he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might
have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently
shake him and ask, "What's your name?"
Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When
she went in at 5 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning
close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read,
name is Daniel."
Friday, June 20, 2003
Joining The Circus
decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the
"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms
wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars upward, turns and swoops back
again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the
The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is
that all you've got? Bird impressions?"
Thursday, June 19, 2003
You Know You're Getting Older When...
- All you
want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
- The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
- Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
- It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
- You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
- You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
You Know You're Getting
- You and
your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you
aren't wearing any.
- At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating
wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.
- You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head
the whole time.
- You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand
in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it
away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of
the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way
The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem,
knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she, says,
"That must be the door, I'll get it."
Monday, June 16, 2003
Message In A Bottle
individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the
middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand
with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork
and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it
necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
Sunday, June 15, 2003
A TEENAGER IS...
who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before
-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday,
and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother
calling from the next room.
-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't
make a bed.
-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying
for her driver's license.
-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too
tired to dry the dishes.
-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs
-An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Saturday, June 14, 2003
robins are perched a telephone wire when one spots a whole bunch of tasty,
juicy worms wriggling temptingly in the grass below. They swoop down and
hungrily begin eating their fill. After stuffing themselves, they feel so
sleepy and full that they can't manage to fly back up to the wire. One
robin suggests that they lay in the sun for a bit while they digest their
meal. Well, sure enough, a cat comes along and gobbles up both of them.
The cat licks her lips and says, "Man, do I love baskin' robins!"
Friday, June 13, 2003
Father Wouldn't Like It
clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling
to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my
son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break.
Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his
patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real tyrant. Tell me
where I can find him, and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Thursday, June 12, 2003
night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She
claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The
next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a half
hour later with a black eye as well.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks
the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills,
my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking
grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much
impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk
rubbing her temples.
A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter?
What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"
Monday, June 9, 2003
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing - It's the only type of cooking a "real"
man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain
of events is put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off".
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
Sunday, June 8, 2003
mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped
from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the
tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother
set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some
display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until
the camp is set up."
Saturday, June 7, 2003
little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to
see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do
the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the
walls if you came to visit us again."
Friday, June 6, 2003
inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little
experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a
landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple
hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While
my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he
didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed
to me," I commented.
"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
Thursday, June 5, 2003
was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no
matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did.
"Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my
bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."
Wednesday, June 4, 2003
looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual
physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything
was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than
that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what
it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really
need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me
Tuesday, June 3, 2003
is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well.
The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband
decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too
far, falls down into the well.
The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "Wow, it
Monday, June 2, 2003
Just For Fun
man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get
married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and
you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the
house and sits them down on the couch. They all chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" asks the son.
"I don't like her." says the mother.
Sunday, June 1, 2003
dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."