Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Because I was processing my first
accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged
hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the
section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a
mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a
The usher leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Monday, June 28, 2004
businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and
had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer
office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started
to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Evolution of Mom
Parenthood changes with each
baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from
having your first:
-1st baby: You begin
wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
Preparing for the
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.
The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap,
getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the
flabbergasted customers and says:
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
Friday, June 25, 2004
My wife wants that I should take up a new sport this summer.
Tony: Datsa nice. It shows that she has you best interests at heart.
Did she makea any suggestions?
Guido: Yeah, she did. How do ya play this Russian Roulette?
Thursday, June 24, 2004
elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a
log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear
across the river.
you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my
trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
A Bit More Serious
Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and
just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then
finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl
spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more
serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Checking out of the grocery store,
I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They
often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny
black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the
car. Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that
Monday, June 21, 2004
The Beauty of It
from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western
"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about
lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts."
Knowing he preferred rock 'n'
roll, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"
"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Stuck in a Snowstorm
A lady was lost in her car in a
terrible snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever
get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snowplow and just follow it."
Pretty soon, a snowplow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the
plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the snowplow got out and asked
what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in a
snowstorm to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm through with the Wal-Mart lot. Now you
can follow me over to K-Mart."
Saturday, June 19, 2004
An angel appears at a faculty
meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary
behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom,
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of
light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I
should have taken the money."
Friday, June 18, 2004
For weeks a six-year old lad kept
telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was
expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements
of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no
comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Johnny, whatever has
become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Johnny burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Thursday, June 17, 2004
A man decides
to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat. The
wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their
predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this
"Well yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the
crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The
crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.
Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all
about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled!"
Monday, June 14, 2004
lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As
the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.
Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
"Yes," he replied.
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and
down that drainpipe!"
Sunday, June 13, 2004
been my best friend since kindergarten, so it was no surprise to me when
he asked me to be the best man at his wedding. On the appointed day, as we
were getting dressed for the ceremony, Jeff got a rather severe case of
"cold feet". "I can't go through with it" he said, "I'm nauseous, my
stomach cramps, my knees are like spaghetti" I said, "it's just PMS"
"PMS?" he asked.
"Yeah" I quipped, "Pre-Minister Syndrome".
Saturday, June 12, 2004
foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At
the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, "How did your game
The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did
OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The
fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly with only two
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his
ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then
approached Jerry the bartender and asked, "Jerry, can you tell me what
does this term 'riders' mean?"
smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long
enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
Friday, June 11, 2004
drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the
clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the
driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with
them but, I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The
clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking
them to the beach."
Thursday, June 10, 2004
(What they say and
What they mean)
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Wednesday, June 9, 2004
a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a
duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman,
an Irishman, an Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
Tuesday, June 8, 2004
Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip
Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentences
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Monday, June 7, 2004
A priest was walking down
his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell
on a house. The boy was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moved closer to the
boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little fellow, placed his hand
kindheartedly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked,
"And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"
Sunday, June 6, 2004
student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible
to attend the day care center at the University. The director of
the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself
of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the
"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the
children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."
Saturday, June 5, 2004
As I was
driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League
baseball game that was being played in a park near my home.
As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the
boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile on his face.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look. "Why should we be
discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
Friday, June 4, 2004
and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a
ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket
showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to
remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes
over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a
straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a
face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for
these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought
they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready
Thursday," he said calmly.
Thursday, June 3, 2004
brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom
was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
At the reception, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom
"I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
Wednesday, June 2, 2004
was getting to know Tom and his family, she was very impressed by how much
his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Jane said. "Why,
your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Jane and Tom were engaged, and then married. On the way
from the wedding to the reception, Jane again remarked on Tom's loving
parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in
"It sure does," replied Tom. "And I take after my mom."
Tuesday, June 1, 2004
The ad in
the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25". Thinking that to be
a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered. The next
day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean
by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied. "He's undercover."