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chuckle

June, 2005

Thursday,  June 30, 2005

Messing with the Mob

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell.....that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Wednesday,  June 29, 2005

Organization

My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," she explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago."

Saturday,  June 25, 2005

Last Names

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know. "There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.  After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name. "Danielle," she said.  "And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."

Friday,  June 24, 2005

Social Studies

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. 

The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?" 

The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about half of them."

Thursday,  June 23, 2005

Italian Wisdom

As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying, he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson", I wanna you lisinna to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.

"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like guns, Grandpa. How about leaving me your Gold Rolex Watch instead?"

"You lisinna to me," responded the Don. "Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whatta do you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say; "Times up?"

Wednesday,  June 22, 2005

Catcher

In his younger days our golden retriever Catcher often ran away when he had the chance.  His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher would usually go there.  The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up. One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.
 
"Will you bring him," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"

Tuesday,  June 21, 2005

But Look!

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife.  "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter.  The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed.  Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

Monday,  June 20, 2005

Signs You're Getting Old

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
3. You feel like the morning after but you haven't been anywhere.
4. Your children begin to look middle-aged.
5. You've finally reached the top of the ladder, only to find that it's leaning against the wrong wall.
6. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
7. You look forward to a dull evening.
8. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty Years Ago Today".
9. You turn out the light for economic reasons.
10. You sit in the rocking chair and you can't get it going.
11. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
12. You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
13. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.

Sunday,  June 19, 2005

Three Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Saturday,  June 18, 2005

Nothing

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

Friday,  June 17, 2005

Pizza Order

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only."

Thursday,  June 16, 2005

Thermometer

Right outside her front door, my mother-in-law had a thermometer that never seemed to tell the correct temperature. One chilly day, we all noticed that the thermometer, which was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees.

"Mom," my wife suggested without thinking, "you should stick that thing where the sun doesn't shine."

Wednesday,  June 15, 2005

Surprise Visit

The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whaddya want?"

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."

Tuesday,  June 14, 2005

In A Child's Mind

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Monday,  June 13, 2005

Hunting Season

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it.  Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked.  They're all safe."

Sunday,  June 12, 2005

Three Doctors

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates.  St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes.  The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor."  St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.  The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."

Saturday,  June 11, 2005

Kids

I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and
they watch and see if they walk properly.  And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" She walked over and stood on his foot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.  One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents.  Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

Friday,  June 10, 2005

Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.   "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got married?"

Thursday,  June 9, 2005

Things You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty

Most people deserve each other.

All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.

If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dentists Office will be closed.

Wednesday,  June 8, 2005

Saved

A friend of mine and her husband were on vacation. They visited a Church on Sunday. 

My friend likes to sit close to the front. So they entered a pew in the second row.

Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on the gate, and said, "This pew is saved."

Her husband replied, "So are WE!"

Tuesday,  June 7, 2005

Traffic Violation

One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."

Monday,  June 6, 2005

Press Bell

Passing an office building late one night, a woman saw a sign that said,  "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down  the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut  down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving  door.

"Well," he snarled at the woman, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

Sunday,  June 5, 2005

Idiot

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

Saturday,  June 4, 2005

Actor

An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."
 
The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"
 
So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."

Friday,  June 3, 2005

Cassie

Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods.
 
Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
 
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
 
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

Thursday,  June 2, 2005

Separation

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids.  She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen.  A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb!  I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

Wednesday,  June 1, 2005

Doctor In The House?

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"