Thursday, June 30, 2005
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied
by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
My sister was
bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her
house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot
of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
My daughter called me at
work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last
name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his
department, I said I didn't know. "There are 1500 employees in this building,
ma'am," she advised me rather curtly. After a few more brusque comments, I
asked her for her name. "Danielle," she said. "And your last name?" I asked.
Friday, June 24, 2005
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government.
The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"
Thursday, June 23, 2005
As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying, he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson", I wanna you lisinna to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.
"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like guns, Grandpa. How about leaving me your Gold Rolex Watch instead?"
"You lisinna to me," responded the Don.
"Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa
money, a big home and maybe couple of bambinos."
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
In his younger days our
golden retriever Catcher often ran away when he had the chance. His
veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher would
usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come
pick him up. One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife.
"While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."
Monday, June 20, 2005
1. Everything hurts, and
what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and
he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman
in the world!
Saturday, June 18, 2005
5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to
spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the
back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"
Friday, June 17, 2005
American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place
around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in
luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The
concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his
room and orders a pizza.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
outside her front door, my mother-in-law had a thermometer that never
seemed to tell the correct temperature. One chilly day, we all noticed
that the thermometer, which was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business
trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Monday, June 13, 2005
The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.
No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
Sunday, June 12, 2005
doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks
out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
Saturday, June 11, 2005
I took my
daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do
coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and
I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"
Friday, June 10, 2005
A man was
walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you
take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
Thursday, June 9, 2005
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dentists Office will be closed.
Wednesday, June 8, 2005
A friend of mine and her husband were on vacation. They visited a Church on Sunday.
My friend likes to sit close to the front. So they entered a pew in the second row.
Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on the gate, and said, "This pew is saved."
Her husband replied, "So are WE!"
Tuesday, June 7, 2005
One day a
lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to
make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into
her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind!
And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.
She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.
I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues
Monday, June 6, 2005
an office building late one night, a woman saw a sign that said, "Press
bell for night watchman."
Sunday, June 5, 2005
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.
"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
Saturday, June 4, 2005
aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his
daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my
daughter marry an actor."
Friday, June 3, 2005
was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave
her more "stop and count to 10" periods.
Thursday, June 2, 2005
Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best
friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm
half-way to the nut hatch."
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there
a doctor in the house?!"