Friday, June 30, 2006
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," said the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.
The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?"
The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.
"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.
"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."
The boss asked him what the other reason was.
"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
The owner of a
manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. Walking
through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a
packing crate. The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you
Monday, June 26, 2006
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
Sunday, June 25, 2006
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a moment later. The diver went down even farther and the same guy was right behind him.
The confused the diver took out his waterproof chalkboard and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron...!"
Saturday, June 24, 2006
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the other night.
"Bubba," Ma said, "you can't get married yet. Why, you're the baby of the family."
"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I had my 38th birthday jest last week."
"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed in. "But your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."
Thursday, June 22, 2006
My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old Woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
I shut up and took out the trash.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
This exercise is suggested
for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It's very easy
and it is suggested to be done three days a week.
Monday, June 19, 2006
While a friend and I were visiting the Naval Academy in Annapolis, we noticed several first year students on their hands and knees assessing the brick courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied, "One....sir."
Sunday, June 18, 2006
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything had been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies....you just happened to catch my eye."
Friday, June 16, 2006
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
Thursday, June 15, 2006
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Penny, a good Assessment nurse was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. She reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, she told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.
When she got home and told her husband of what she had seen and done.
Her husband asked, "Was the Patient that bad?"
Penny said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only sucker called out on a night like this."
Monday, June 12, 2006
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," the gentleman answered.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" he asked.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" said Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
Saturday, June 10, 2006
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with pepper sauce to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon!"
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old watched her for a minute, before saying, "Uh-oh... I know what YOU'VE been doing."
Friday, June 9, 2006
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. Since I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn," she said.
Thursday, June 8, 2006
In Miami, the jurors in a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the tobacco industry were ordered by the judge to not see the new movie 'The Insider', because it might influence their verdict. He also ordered them not to see 'The House on Haunted Hill'.
The prosecutor was surprised to hear this instruction, and he said, "I understand why you've instructed the jurors to not see 'The Insider', but why should they avoid the second movie, your honor?"
The judge replied, "Because it stinks."
Wednesday, June 7, 2006
A man walked out
into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he
thought, as he slid into the cab.
Tuesday, June 6, 2006
My uncle Joe and his
best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost,
most likely due to the beer they had been drinking. Uncle Joe reassured his
buddy, though. "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three
times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."
Monday, June 5, 2006
Fran and Al were honeymooning in France, visiting all the historic sites. Today's highlight was to have been the visit to the famous bell tower at the Cathedral of Saint Lorraine near Nice. They had expected that the playing of the famous bells while they were in the tower would be one of their fondest memories of the trip.
They were the first in line on that cloudy morning to purchase tickets to enter the tower, when there was a sudden flash of lightning which struck the tower, totally destroying it. The ticket-seller, surveying the results, immediately offered to sell tickets to see the ruins at half the usual price.
The newlyweds immediately accepted the offer thereby becoming the first husband and wife team to receive ... the no bell price.
Sunday, June 4, 2006
A girl has brought her fiancÚ home for dinner. After dinner, the fiancÚ and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.
"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiancÚ.
"Do you have any plans of employment?"
"I will study and God will provide."
"What about the children?" asks the man.
"God will provide."
"And your house and car?"
"Again, God will provide," says the fiancÚ.
After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two talk about?"
The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."
Saturday, June 3, 2006
According to the
Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the
U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds was changed. The
bands used to bear the name of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated "Wash. Biol. Surv." The agency then received the following
letter from an Arkansas camper:
Friday, June 2, 2006
At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."
Thursday, June 1, 2006
There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.
The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."