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June, 2008

In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch.

A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's heavy.'

A man was touring a computer room. The technician says to him I've just created computer that knows everything. Ask it any question and it will give you the right answer'. The man types in "where is my father?." The computer's lights start to flash. Bells and whistles go off and out pops a card that reads 'Your father is fishing in Michigan'.

The man said 'that's wrong! My father died 10 years ago'.

The technician is puzzled. He makes a few adjustments and says ask the question again but stated differently. So the man types in "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again the lights flash, the bells and whistles go off. And out pops a card that reads 'Your mother's husband has been dead for 10 years. Your father just caught a 5 lb bass!'

Friday,  June 27, 2008

Filling

Eunice went to the dentist the other day. It was discovered that she had a cavity that would have to be filled.

"Now, Eunice," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"

Without hesitation Eunice replied, "Chocolate, please."

Thursday,  June 26, 2008

Sir

A businessman from a big city invited his cousin from out on the farm to a celebratory dinner at a very expensive restaurant.

When they walked in, they were ushered to a table by a formally dressed maitre d'. The tables were set with the finest china and crystal.

They sat down and the young farmer took the elegant, cloth napkin from the solid silver napkin ring, unfolded it, put it around his neck and started to tie a knot in the back.

The maitre d' rolled his eyes and shook his head. Then he leaned toward the farmer and through clenched teeth he said, "Sir, will you be having a shave or a haircut this evening?"

Sign Of The Times

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'  

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 

"You got male!"

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other's in amazing ways.  In the same year, Timothy was born in Ireland and Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they each attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests.  Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was meteoric, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.  But it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

In time, the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to find out who they had chosen.  The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.  With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
 
After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the slightly better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.
 

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"

The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine -- in search of his lost ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is, in fact, a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8 iron! You can't get out of here with a 7!"

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. He would stand back, shake his head and say, "Amazing," while smiling from ear to ear.

Touched by his unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, her eyes glistened as she slipped her arms around him.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"Isn't it amazing!" he replied. "When you take the time and really look close, how can anyone make a crib like that for only $45.99!"

Would You Marry Again

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

"No" he replied, "she's left handed."

Special Privileges

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, 'So, what did you bring?'

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'Grandma Moses of Jail'. Then he asked the first, 'What did you bring?'

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, 'I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.'

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, 'Why are you so smug? What did you bring?'

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said 'I brought these.'

The other two were puzzled and asked - 'What can you do with those?' He grinned and pointed to the box and said - 'Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....'

Tuesday,  June 17, 2008

My Kind Of Luck

I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.

When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.

"Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones."

 Extinction

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.......

Speeding?

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

Sam

Dear Sam,

Yes. Run for public office.

Compound Interest

Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World.

The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway.

"You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years."

I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in a Ace Hardware paper bag.

My co-worker stopped in mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief.

"What's the matter?" I asked him.

"Uh, nothing," he replied. "I was just beginning to think you really DO eat nails for lunch."

Limp

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television..."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny comes home from school at the end of a term from school with his report card. The report card has all D's and F's. His parents start lecturing him, and Johnny explains that everyone in his class did poorly not just him.

"But what about David down the street," they said, "he brought home all A's and B's"

"Well David is different." He retorted

"How so?" His father asked.

"'Cuz his parents are smart!"

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

One Big Bull

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just trying to make sure he knows I'm a bull!"

Friday,  June 6, 2008

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.

"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!"

"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"

"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?"

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.

Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo."

Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake was barking and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
 

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."

Monday,  June 2, 2008

North vs. South

A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees.

Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks.

Down  about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."

A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"

"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.  He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.  The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down.  After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply ...
(actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.
While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.
Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received.  I note that you wish to have title extended further than in the years covered by the present application.  I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S.  from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.  For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to U.S.  ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.  The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the reigning monarch, Isabella.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.  Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.  And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.  Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.  He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.  I hope to heavens you find His original claim to be satisfactory.  Now, may we have our damn loan?"

They got it