Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Bubba and Billy Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later Bubba said to Billy Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," said Billy Bob, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...."
Monday, June 29, 2009
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
Sunday, June 28, 2009
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened, and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and luckily found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at so me time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great, God. This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication, and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again, and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank You God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Saturday, June 27, 2009
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die!
We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
Friday, June 26, 2009
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.
The Moral of the Story:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers, when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."
"Do you know why," the teacher asked.
"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.
"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office...'"
Monday, June 22, 2009
Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods. Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A police officer was interviewing a young recruit.
"If you're driving at night," the officer asked, "and you're being chased by a gang of criminals going sixty miles an hour, what would you do?"
The applicant replied, "Seventy!"
Saturday, June 20, 2009
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the darn thing!"
Friday, June 19, 2009
One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging laundry when a tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.
The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman finally pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have six children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.
On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased. In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose and he began to sound out the words "Queen Size."
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
Good morning Pastor, he replied, still focused on the plaque. Pastor, what is this?
The pastor said, Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service...the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Monday, June 15, 2009
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward. "Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A difficult independent 75-year-old woman liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons.
One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood.
Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.
She replied in crazed anger and without hesitation, "I can't throw that far!"
Saturday, June 13, 2009
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender, "Can I have a shot of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the bartender replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
Friday, June 12, 2009
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied,
"Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured and then we'll provide you with another barn, just like the original one."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied,
"If that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked, "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Aubrey Meek was brought before the court on the charge of refusing to obey a police officer.
"Why did you refuse to move on when asked to do so by the officer?" the judge inquired, obviously wondering what unexplained force could have given such a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law.
"It's like this, your honor," explained Meek. "My wife said I was to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to choose between man's law and wife's law."
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home ! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed."
His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married ?"
As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied, "I AM married !!!"
Sunday, June 7, 2009
So there are these two bees and one bee asks the other, "Where can I get something to eat around here?"
The second bee replies, "Well, there is a Bar Mitzvah going on down the street, about half a mile, should be plenty of flowers and pastries to eat."
The first bee thanks him and heads off to the party.
A little while later, the first bee returns, with a bloated belly and a yarmulke on his head.
He tells the second bee, "I found it, it was awesome! So many fresh flowers, so many sweet pastries!"
The second bee asks him, "So what's with the yarmulke? Did you convert?"
"No", the first bee replies, "I wore it so they wouldn't think I was a WASP."
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall."
Friday, June 5, 2009
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Thursday, June 4, 2009
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, steps on it, and ambled away.
The lion hollered after the elephant, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so annoyed."
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual... because he hated the book!"
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression, but the neighbors seemed busy and not interested.
One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!''
Mother replied, ''Great! And then what happened?''
Matthew said, ''Oh, she gave it to the policeman.''