June, 2010

Kentucky Resume Tips A Funny Thing Happened
Ted's Special Skill Getting Nervous Getting Married
Live to 100 Little Johnny Loyalty Oath
Prescription for Good Health Vegetables Day Off
I See Tracks Bumper Stickers Why Parents Drink
Joe Play  Doctor My name is...
The Boss Obsessed Sand Traps
Wallpapering The Same... Leaving Home
Personality Test  Success is... The Difference
College Graduate Standard Question Village Blacksmith








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June 30, 2010

Village Blacksmith

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told.  Now he's the village blacksmith.

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June 29, 2010

Standard Question

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked:

"Does she like you?"

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June 28, 2010

College Graduate

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." 

"But sir, I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.

"Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

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June 27, 2010

The Difference

The difference between men and women

Haircuts -- Women's version:

Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman1: Oh God,  no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts -- I think that would look so cute. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -- see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier . . .


Haircuts -- Men's version:

Man1: Haircut?

Man2: Yeah.

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June 26, 2010

Success is...

 At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

 At age 12 success is having friends.

 At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

 At age 20 success is having sex.

 At age 35 success is having money.

 At age 50 success is having money.

 At age 60 success is having sex.

 At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

 At age 75 success is having friends.

 At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

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June 25, 2010

Personality Test 

 A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality  test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through  the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started  through the test.

"How does this glass of water look to you?"

 Person 1: It is half empty.

 Student writes 'pessimist' in his report.

  Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

  Person 2: It is half full.

 Student writes 'optimist' in his report.

  Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

  Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.

  The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.

  "Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the  engineers! They have no personality."

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June 24, 2010

Leaving Home

An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in  the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce.

I've had it!  I want to live out the rest of my years in peace.  I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!"  She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there!  We'll be there Wednesday night."

The father agrees. He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

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June 23, 2010

The Same...

A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church.

Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."

The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

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June 22, 2010


A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."

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June 21, 2010

Sand Traps

An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said,  "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."  And he did play well.

Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" 

"I do!" replied the Octogenarian, "Please give me a hand."

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June 20, 2010


A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

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June 19, 2010

The Boss

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

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June 18, 2010

My name is...

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.  They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.

 The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.  The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

 The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

 The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing  peanuts into the elephant cage."

 The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

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June 17, 2010

Play  Doctor

The seven year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class asked her to play  doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double billed the insurance company."

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June 16, 2010


Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked,

"Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." 

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. 

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

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June 15, 2010

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home...

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June 14, 2010

Bumper Stickers

Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Today's subliminal message is: ( )

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June 13, 2010

I See Tracks

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

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June 12, 2010

Day Off

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

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June 11, 2010


My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.

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June 10, 2010

Prescription for Good Health

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.  If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be  pleasant at all times.  For lunch make him a nutritious meal.

For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.  Don't burden him with chores or discuss your problems with him - it will only make his stress worse.  No nagging.  And most importantly, you have to increase your frequency of intimacy. 

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.  "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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June 9, 2010

Loyalty Oath

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."

The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"

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June 8, 2010

Little Johnny

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.'

He stands up and says,  "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

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June 7, 2010

Live to 100

When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all of her medical charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, and she gave him the normal litany of complaints: this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

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June 6, 2010

Getting Married

"Do you remember that terribly pushy woman with the attitude problem who lived in the apartment above us?"

"Yes, what about her?"

"She's marrying a doctor she met when she went in for X-rays."

"Really...I wonder what he saw in her?"

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June 5, 2010

Getting Nervous

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.

When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."

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June 4, 2010

Ted's Special Skill

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.

Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!"

His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."

Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"

Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"

Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"

Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."

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June 3, 2010

A Funny Thing Happened

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight.  Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did.  The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

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June 2, 2010

Resume Tips

What not to put on your resume...

--Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

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June 1, 2010


A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey!  Come over here, buddy!"  The jogger is stunned, but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me???"

The horse replies, "Sure am!  Listen, I've got a problem.  I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow.  I'm sick of it.  Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me?  I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."

Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head.  So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch. The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

Says the farmer,  "Son, you can't believe everything you hear. He's never even been to Kentucky."

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