June 30, 2011
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
"Oh, I see", the other said, "one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go..."
June 29, 2011
A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?"
June 28, 2011
Back in the ancient days before e-mail, people used to send messages by what they quaintly called a telegram. Charges were by the word, regardless of the length of the word.
An infatuated young man was sending a mushy love note to his girlfriend. The message read: "Oozie loves Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie"
"You can have up to 9 words for the same rate", said the Western Union telegraph operator.
"Why not add another "Woozie" it won't cost you any more."
"No, thanks," replied the young man.
"I think that would sound rather silly."
June 27, 2011
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
June 26, 2011
Three guys at a football game are sitting behind three nuns. They can't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there."
One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."
Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there."
Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"
June 25, 2011
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."
June 24, 2011
If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.
The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.
Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!
June 23, 2011
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Damm-it!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
June 22, 2011
A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," his wife replied.
June 21, 2011
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.
June 20, 2011
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
June 19, 2011
The sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several night time exercises. Once, he was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet, sad, looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?" the sergeant asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
"What's the difference??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
June 18, 2011
On the weekend of the biggest motorcycle gathering of the year, I was bar tending at a club nearby. When the roaring machines pulled up outside, our patrons' eyes swung toward the door and conversation turned into uneasy whispering.
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one of them asked me where the phone was. I pointed it out, and the silence in the room let everybody overhear what the biker said into the receiver. "Hi, Mom. Just want to let you know I'll be home late tonight."
June 17, 2011
Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.
Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:
June 16, 2011
This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?"
The guy replied, "A naked woman." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed." This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.
The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert."
The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures."
June 15, 2011
Just take this short quiz...
This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS
There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!
This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
Okay, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability.
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.
June 14, 2011
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had enjoyed each others company, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf.
June 13, 2011
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The man says: "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75mph in what is a 55mph limit."
Man: "No, sir, I was going 60mph."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80mph." The man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken brake light."
Man: "Broken brake light? I didn't know about a broken brake light."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you've known about that brake light for weeks." The man gives his wife another dirty look.
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." This time he turns to his wife and shouts: "Please shut your big mouth!"
At this, the officer turns to the woman and says: "Excuse me, madam, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?''
The wife replies: "Only when he's drunk."
June 12, 2011
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
June 11, 2011
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
June 10, 2011
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the chief monk said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the chief monk said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the chief monk said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the chief monk.
"You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the chief monk assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the chief monk again called Brother John into his office.
"What are your two words you want to say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"I'm not surprised," said the chief monk. "You've done nothing but whine and complain since you got here."
June 9, 2011
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
June 8, 2011
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”
June 7, 2011
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
June 6, 2011
Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, ''You will each get one wish.''
The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man wished he was 30 times smarter. The genie made him 30 times smarter. The last man wished he was 60 times smarter.
The genie turned him into a woman.
June 5, 2011
A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
June 4, 2011
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
June 3, 2011
This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,'
she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
June 2, 2011
A little boy opened the big
family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and
looked at it.
June 1, 2011
This very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge, getting ready to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump -- think of your Mom and Dad".
He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm gonna jump".
She said, "Well, think of your wife and kids."
He replied, "I'm not married and don't have any kids.
She said, "Well think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, " Who's Robert E. Lee?"
She replied, "Well just go ahead and jump, you damnYankee!"