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Welcome
June, 2012
June 30, 2012 A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
June 29, 2012 A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Rose... Rose...." "Is that you, Douglas?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Douglas, you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Nebraska"
June 28, 2012 Scott and Glenn were trying to measure a telephone pole. Every time one of them would get part way up, he would slide back down. Then along came this really big, muscular guy who asked, "Hey, what are you guys doing?" Scott replies, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole." The muscular guy wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground and tells them, "40 feet," then walks away. Glenn turns to Scott and says, "What a stupid idiot—we wanted the height, not the width."
June 27, 2012 A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest classes in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
June 26, 2012 This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the Preacher's sermon this morning confused me." The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?" The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?" "Yes, that's true," the mother replied. "He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?" Again the mother replied, "Yes." "Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"
June 25, 2012 The Devil and Jesus decide that they are going to have a computer-programming contest. God counts down. . . 3, 2, 1, Go! and they begin typing and programming furiously. After a while, a tremendous lightning flash and thunder erupt and the power goes off and the contest is stopped. After power is restored, God asks to see what the Devil has programmed and the Devil responds, “C’mon God, the power went out we lost everything.” God walks over to Jesus' computer and asks to see what he has done and Jesus hits a key and glorious graphics scroll across the screen and a multimedia routine kicks in and the Devil just looks on dumbfounded. He asks how could that be, the power went off. God replied, “Jesus saves!”
June 24, 2012 One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.'' After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. ''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''
June 23, 2012 A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mom, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
June 22, 2012 A loaded van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tents. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
June 21, 2012 The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.' " "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
June 20, 2012 John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?" "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
June 19, 2012 An author was coming to a local bookstore to discuss her novel, set in Appalachia. The main character was a "strong-willed heroine fighting to survive the hardships of the times." When the owner of the bookstore went to the reading, she was disappointed to learn that the writer had canceled. The reason? She didn't want to drive in the rain.
June 18, 2012 What's a polygon? A dead parrot.
June 17, 2012 On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife to dinner. Their teenage daughters told them that they would have dessert waiting for them when they returned. After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with China, crystal, and candles, and there was a note that read, "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "I suppose we could vacuum..." the husband said.
June 16, 2012 Mrs. Whitless went to the health clinic. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained. The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's is the matter with you ? Mrs. Whitless is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
June 15, 2012 John and Jennifer left the fertility clinic in tears. They were just told that Jennifer could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" John asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you." "This is the answer to our prayers!" Jennifer exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. John answered... "That was the Clone Arranger"
June 14, 2012 An old bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says: And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot.com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot.com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear Dot?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot.com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel--or, as it came to be known, eBay--he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot.com. "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that playpen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
June 13, 2012 Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that playpen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
June 12, 2012 An Older gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. He said he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?" "No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes."
June 11, 2012 An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."
June 10, 2012 A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."
June 9, 2012 It is believed that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property, it will be sold more quickly. I took the St. Joseph from my Nativity scene and buried it near my front door. A few days later a woman made me an offer on the house. Since she had to sell her home too, I suggested she enlist the help of the saint as well. After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and, in disgust, put the statue out with the trash. A week later she opened her local paper and read: "Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer."
June 8, 2012 As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, "All you can drink for a dime." So some kid would come up, plunk down his dime, drink a glass, and say, "Refill it." I'd say, "That'll be another dime." "How come? Your sign says -- All you can drink for a dime!" "Well, you had a glass didn't you?" "Yeah." "That's all you can drink for a dime."
June 7, 2012 A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a wild beast and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wild beast stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
June 6, 2012 The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, “I've got good news and bad news. First, the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear.” The troops started cheering at the news. “Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy...”
June 5, 2012 Tom Cahill had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor. "Yes, sir," replied Tom, "I'm sure I am." "Think carefully now," said Maureen's father. "There are twelve of us..."
June 4, 2012 Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
June 3, 2012 FRIEND: You don't look so good, what's wrong? HARRY: I got domestic trouble. FRIEND: But Harry you always said your wife was a pearl. HARRY: Yeah its the mother of pearl that's the problem.
June 2, 2012 A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
June 1, 2012 My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again. My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room. When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage."
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