June 30, 2013
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it . . . and found a book entitled
"The Meaning of Dreams."
June 29, 2013
A couple of redneck hunters are out in the
woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
There's a short pause, and then the operator
hears a loud gun shot!!!
June 28, 2013
During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the “Children's Moments Sermon”. One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example.
He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation.
Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, “If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?”
A shy six-year-old raised his hand. “Six less grams of fat,” he replied.
June 27, 2013
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquillizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquillizers calmed you down?"
"Yes" the mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
June 26, 2013
Ricky was at the mall and went into a toy shop, picked up a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.
The shopkeeper told him, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."
Ricky continued walking out of the shop and didn't reply.
The shopkeeper repeated himself, and Ricky kept walking.
The third time the shopkeeper called him, Ricky said "What?"
The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."
Ricky looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
June 25, 2013
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off of the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate......those steaks are far too high!"
June 24, 2013
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.
The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures.
Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
June 23, 2013
"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.
"Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes, my son, absolutely."
"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
June 22, 2013
In the commuter train car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances.
Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then . . . "
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the stranger in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"
June 21, 2013
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."
June 20, 2013
"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?"
"No," replied the patient, "just spots."
June 19, 2013
A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
June 18, 2013
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult. We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth."
June 17, 2013
One day I found Morris, a five-year-old, with the telephone, which he quickly hung up when he saw me.
"What were you doing?" I asked him.
"Calling Aunt Sarah."
"How could you have called Aunt Sarah ?" I asked. "You don't even know her number."
"Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.
I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn't know her number, but he insisted he had made the call.
"Okay," I said finally. "What did she say, then, if you called her?"
"She told me I had the wrong number!"
June 16, 2013
Three salesmen were driving cross-country when their car broke down far from civilization. After walking for some distance they came to a farmhouse. They asked the farmer if there was a service station nearby. He replied that there was one in town but that it wouldn't be open until the next day. He offered to let them stay at his house that night, on one condition. “Don't draw attention to my daughter; she's very sensitive because she was born without any ears.” After agreeing to his wishes, the salesmen spent the night with the farmer.
The next morning at the breakfast table the daughter noticed that the salesmen were staring at her. “What are you looking at?” she demanded.
The first salesman replied, “I was looking at your beautiful smile, it's important to take care of your teeth so you don't have to wear dentures.”
The second salesman said, “I was looking at your thick curly hair, it's important to take care of your hair so you don't go bald and have to wear a wig.”
The third said, “I was looking at your clear blue eyes, it's important to take care of your eyes . . . Lord knows you can't wear glasses.”
June 15, 2013
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer.
One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car around," he ordered.
The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.
"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."
"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."
June 14, 2013
Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"
June 13, 2013
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches.
“You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored,” screamed the sarge.
A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, “Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities.”
The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. “My goodness gracious,” he said, “What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?”
June 12, 2013
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.
June 11, 2013
An elderly lady was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
She spotted a gas station ahead, screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
June 10, 2013
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!
June 9, 2013
After I broke my ankle in a fall in our garage, I had to wear a cast from the knee down. Normally my husband and I are cozy sleepers, but the cast posed a problem. Several sleepless nights later, my husband said to me in desperation,
"I don't mind sleeping with the star of the show, but I can't manage the whole cast."
June 8, 2013
Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."
After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."
"Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
June 7, 2013
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
June 6, 2013
After taking a tour of a winery in New Jersey, our group waited patiently to get to the wine-tasting counter. That wasn't easy, since a man ahead of us was hogging all the samples as well as the attention of the salesperson.
Finally it seemed that he was winding down, as he asked the salesperson, "What should I take back to my snobby friends in California?"
That's when my wife said, "How about the bus?"
June 5, 2013
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"
June 4, 2013
A little old man was escorted into the witness box.
After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
June 1, 2013
Four year-old Joe was asked to say grace before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited — and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't He know that I'm lying?"