June, 1998

Bad News Meals on Wheels Judgement Day
A Real Man

Converting to Christainity

Word Association
Job Security A True New Yorker Diesel Fitter
Wise Farmer Checkup from the Neck Up Minnie & Donald
Pearly Gates

One Thousand Pardons

What a Deal
No Returns Please

Songs for Viagra Commercials

How Old Am I? German Fighter Planes The Practical Joker

Doctor Visit

Religious Bras The Driving Test
Dog's Duty Billy Bob Goes to Town Wife Talk
Beware of Dog The Official Red Neck Dictionary Perplexed
Close Examination Caught in the Dark


Fido Cynic's Approach to Love Church Bulletins

This is True

All in the Family Wake Up Call




Tuesday, June 30, 1998

All in the Family

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope. Sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

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Monday, June 29, 1998

Wake Up Call

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer requested.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by.
The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

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Sunday, June 28, 1998

Church Bulletins

* The 1991 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 & 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
* Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
* The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."
* A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.


This is True

A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty: I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

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Saturday, June 27, 1998


A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says.
"How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked "So, is your daddy still messin’' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of shit!"

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Friday, June 26, 1998

Cynic's Approach to Love

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually
set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Close Examination

In this scene, a lawyer cross examines a doctor about a victim's death.
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No"
Q: "So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No"
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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Thursday, June 25, 1998


A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history"
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

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Wednesday, June 24, 1998


A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

Caught in the Dark

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"

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Tuesday, June 23, 1998

Beware of Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Wife Talk

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly...."
"I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

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Monday, June 22, 1998

Dog's Duty

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, he's just for good luck.
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog's", she said firmly, " to find the fire hydrant."

The Official Red Neck Dictionary

Benign...........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery............................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.........................Back door of cafeteria.
Barium...........................What family do when kinfolk die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..........................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize........................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..............................A sheep dog.
Coma.............................A punctuation mark.
D & C.............................Where Washington is.
Dilate..............................To live long.
Enema............................Not a friend.
Fester.............................Quicker than somone else.
Fibula..............................A small lie.
Genital.............................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series........................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...........................Distinquished, well known.
Labor Pain........................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.....................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..............................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates............................Cheaper than day rates.
Node................................Was aware of. (as in "I node that!)
Outpatient.........................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear........................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum............................Darn near killed him.
Secretion..........................Hiding something.
Seizure............................Roma Emperor.
Tablet..............................A small table.
Terminal Illness................Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..............................More than one.
Urine...............................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..........................Near by / close by.

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Sunday, June 21, 1998

Billy Bob Goes to Town

One day Billy Bob goes to town wearing nothing but his gun belt and boots. The sheriff spots him and asks, "What the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
B.B. replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story. Me and Mary Lou, we was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
Inside the barn we started a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, Mary Lou said we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up on the hill we started a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and then, all of a sudden, Mary Lou up and took off all her clothes and said I should take off mine, too. So I took off all my clothes, 'cept for my gun belt and my boots. Mary Lou lay on the ground and and then, for some strange reason she said, "Billy Bob, go to town!"

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Saturday, June 20, 1998

Religious Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked
"What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

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Friday, June 19, 1998

The Driving Test

And you wonder why there is Road Rage...

The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Most probably from people who failed the first four times)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Doctor Visit

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My gas never smells and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my gas...although still silent...stinks terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,  let's work on your hearing.

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Thursday, June 18, 1998

The Practical Joker

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!
What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."

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Wednesday, June 17, 1998

How Old Am I?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

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Tuesday, June 16, 1998

No Returns Please

A man was driving home late one day and he was driving above the speed limit. He sees a police car in his rearview mirror and says to himself 'Heck, I can outrun this guy'. So he floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures what the heck and gives up.
They pull over to the curb and the Police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. The officer leans over to the man and say "Listen mister, I've had a really terrible day today and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a minute and said "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. When I saw you in my rearview mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back."
The officer let him go.

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Monday, June 15, 1998

German Fighter Planes

A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.
"Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."
"For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of German fighter plane."
"Vell .ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers were Messerschmitt's."

A Microsoft WORD Quirk

Try this one:
Open a new document in Microsoft Word
Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes)
Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
Click Tools; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus)
Now look at the alternative phrases

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Sunday, June 14, 1998


While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra,  the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been  working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales  once all of the PR has died down.
While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an  important medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity.
Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.

1) I am a Rock    - Paul Simon
2) Suddenly   - B. Ocean
3) A Hard Days Night   - The Beatles
4) Please Mr. Postman
5) Can't Buy Me Love (Now you can)   - The Beatles
6) Do That To Me One More Time   - Captain and Tenille
7) Everlasting Love   - The Bee Gees
8) Take Me Out To The Ballgame
9) Let Your Love Flow   - L. E. Williams
10) A Had Days Night   - The Beatles
11) Longer   - Dan Fogelberg
12) No Ordinary Love   - Sade
13) Help Me Make It Through the Night
14) Love Takes Time (about an hour wait - according to Pfizer)   - Mariah Carey
15) The Power of Love   - Celine Dion
16) The Things We Do For Love   - 10CC
17) We've Only Just Begun   - Paul Williams
18) Have You Never Been Mello   - Kris Kristofferson
19) Girls Just Want To Have Fun   - Cindy Lauper
20) When I'm 64   - The Beatles

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Saturday, June 13, 1998


Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Dance for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $275.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $275.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and Ken's furniture.

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Friday, June 12, 1998

Pearly Gates

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."

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Thursday, June 11, 1998

One Thousand Pardons

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies ets) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.

"One thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

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Wednesday, June 10, 1998

What a Deal

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget"
The woman considers it a moment and then after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
The woman says "No, I want four times in the rocker"

Wise Farmer

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't!" replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

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Tuesday, June 9, 1998

Minnie & Donald

Donald Duck and Minney Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minny asks is "Do you have a condom?" and Donald says "No". Minney tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex but suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk. Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

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Monday, June 8, 1998

Checkup from the Neck Up

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Job Security

For immediate Release

Press Release Re: Job Security
Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers
Breaking news that 50,000 road workers to loose their jobs by the end of June 1998. News from the White House indicates that the Japanese have improved our technology once again to develop new equipment that will replace these present crew members. It seems they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.

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Sunday, June 7, 1998

Diesel Fitter

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, the first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300, a week's unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600. a week.
When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to findout why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher.
"I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter".

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Saturday, June 6, 1998

A True New Yorker

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your three skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison."
The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."
The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, dirtbag!"

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Friday, June 5, 1998

A Real Man

A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a terrible  storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. 
The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to  crash and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.
He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
She shakes her head yes.
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

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Thursday, June 4, 1998

Word Association

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach one to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"Who was the Instructor?" the neighbor asked.
"Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm...what's that flower, you know, the one that smells real nice but has those thorns...?"
"A rose?" offered the neighbor.
"Right," said the man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey,
Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"

Converting to Christainity

Hymie met Abie in the street on the way to schul. "Hello Abie, how's it by you?"
"Vell, Hymie, to tell you the truth, I've a big problem with mine son Myron."
Says Hymie, "So vots the problem?"
Abie replies, "Vell, Myron vent to Israel on holiday, and ven he came home, I found out, he vas converted to Christianity.... vot should I do?"
"Funny you should mention", says Hymie. "Mine Boychik Selwyn, he also vent to Israel on holiday, and guess vot? Ven he returned, he vos also converted to Christianity. I'm not sure vot to do about it".
Abie suggests that, as they are near Schul, they should consult Rabbi Greenspan. Thus agreed, they tell their respective stories to the Rabbi.
Rabbi Greenspan responds, "Funny you should mention it, but mine son, Moshe, also vent to Israel for his holidays, and guess vot? He vos also converted to Christianity!!! I am at my wits end, I don't know vot to do!"
By consensus, the three gentlemen decide that the only option they have is prayer. As they are praying, a thundercloud appears in an otherwise clear blue sky. A thunderbolt flickers, and a voice booms from above: "FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION IT ................"

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Wednesday, June 3, 1998

Bad News

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.
"What's the matter" he asked
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"

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Tuesday, June 2, 1998

Judgement Day

Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, "I've been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes."
"And what is your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Penny," the man replies.
"Penny?!!" shouts St. Peter. "You Jews are all alike. Money, money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"
Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. "I've been a devout Catholic throughout my life, attended church every Sunday, and always gave generously to the collection plate."
"And what's your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Brandy," the Irishman replies.
"Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink. You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"
With that, the Greek guy turns to his wife and says, "Fanny, I think we have a problem.."

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Monday, June1, 1998

Meals on Wheels

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven.
Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!"

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