Tuesday, June 30, 1998
All in the Family
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning,
everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before
the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their
lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone
starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in
their determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone is
evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you
know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't
you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope. Sure ain't."
says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Well, I've been
married to your sister for 25 years."
Monday, June 29, 1998
Wake Up Call
A driver was pulled over by a police
officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several
machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them,
first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind
the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give
up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
Sunday, June 28, 1998
* The 1991 Spring Council retreat will
be hell May 10 & 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to
* The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
* Don't let worry
kill you. Let the Church help.
* The associate minister unveiled the church's
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Now Up
* A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was
given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
* Weight Watchers will meet
at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the
sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
* Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* The Ladies
Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch
in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.
This is True
A true story from a reader, who writes
that it occurred during her stint of jury duty: I was on a panel for prospective
jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating
showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I
Saturday, June 27, 1998
A young boy goes off to college, but
about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his
parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he
gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the
wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a
program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"Why that's absolutely
amazing!" his father says.
"How do I get him in that program?" "Just send
him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his
father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the
money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing,
son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this now they have a program here that will teach
Fido to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do
to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a
problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither
talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning
when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the
recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to
me and asked "So, is your daddy still messin’' around with that little redhead
that lives down on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that
lyin' sack of shit!"
Friday, June 26, 1998
Approach to Love
If you love something, set it
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never
returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living
room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your
money, and never behaves as if you actually
set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it!
In this scene, a lawyer cross examines
a doctor about a victim's death.
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Q: "Did you check for
Q: "So then it is possible the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?"
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the
patient still have been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could
have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Thursday, June 25, 1998
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching
his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual
performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men
anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder
drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the
street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you!
This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says
the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the
man, "I haven't been home yet."
Wednesday, June 24, 1998
A man drives to a gas station and has
his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the
back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do
with them but, I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You
should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the
car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same
gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm
taking them to the beach."
Caught in the
A male pastor walked into a
neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and
dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to
the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I
really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a
statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he
proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the
whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender
and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping
with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the
restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!"
said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't
understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender,
"every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole
place. Now, how about a drink?"
Tuesday, June 23, 1998
Upon entering the little country store,
the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Posted on the glass
door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog
to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because"; the owner
replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over
Two buddies were sharing drinks while
discussing their wives.
"Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the
"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick
dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly...."
"I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
Monday, June 22, 1998
A nursery school teacher was delivering
a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting
in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to
discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one
"No," said another, he's just for good luck.
A third child
brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog's", she said firmly, " to
find the fire hydrant."
The Official Red Neck Dictionary
you be after you be eight.
Artery............................The study of
Bacteria.........................Back door of
Barium...........................What family do when kinfolk
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in
Cauterize........................Made eye contact with
Coma.............................A punctuation mark.
Fester.............................Quicker than somone
Series........................World Series of military
Hangnail...........................What you hang your coat
Impotent...........................Distinquished, well known.
Pain........................Getting hurt at work.
Morbid..............................A higher offer than I
Nitrates............................Cheaper than day
Node................................Was aware of. (as in "I node
Outpatient.........................A person who has fainted.
Pelvis................................Second cousin to Elvis.
Operative...................A letter carrier.
Room.................Place to do
Rectum............................Darn near killed
Tablet..............................A small table.
Illness................Getting sick at the
Urine...............................Opposite of you're
Varicose..........................Near by / close
Sunday, June 21, 1998
Billy Bob Goes to Town
One day Billy Bob goes to town wearing
nothing but his gun belt and boots. The sheriff spots him and asks, "What the
hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
"Well sheriff, it's a long story. Me and Mary Lou, we was down on the farm and
we started a-cuddlin'. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
Inside the barn we started a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and things got pretty
hot and heavy. Well, Mary Lou said we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up on
the hill we started a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and then, all of a sudden, Mary Lou
up and took off all her clothes and said I should take off mine, too. So I took
off all my clothes, 'cept for my gun belt and my boots. Mary Lou lay on the
ground and and then, for some strange reason she said, "Billy Bob, go to
Saturday, June 20, 1998
A man walked into the ladies department
of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There
is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a
sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all
of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.
Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked
"What is the
difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the
fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
Friday, June 19, 1998
And you wonder why there is Road
The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams
given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Most
probably from people who failed the first four times)
Q: Do you yield
when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a
four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and
the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your
lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and
a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: What can you do to
help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded
A little old lady goes to the doctor
and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me
too much. My gas never smells and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've
passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't
know because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take
these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes
back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my
gas...although still silent...stinks terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now
that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your
Thursday, June 18, 1998
A man was taking his wife, who was
pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless
world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how
his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you
have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth
certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named
them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done
now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"
replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said,
"That's a very pretty name!
What did you come up with for my son?"
brother replied, "Denephew."
Wednesday, June 17,
How Old Am
A man decided to have a face lift for
his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his
way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the
sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop
he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my
eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans
age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell
your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell
and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says,
"OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How
did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at
Tuesday, June 16,
A man was driving home late one day and
he was driving above the speed limit. He sees a police car in his rearview
mirror and says to himself 'Heck, I can outrun this guy'. So he floors it and
the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an
hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures what the heck and
They pull over to the curb and the Police officer gets out of his
cruiser and approaches the car. The officer leans over to the man and say
"Listen mister, I've had a really terrible day today and I just want to go home.
Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a minute and
said "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. When I saw you in my
rearview mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back."
The officer let
Monday, June 15,
A reporter was interviewing an old
Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.
the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to
shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."
"For the benefit of our viewers,"
interrupted the reporter, "we should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a
specific type of German fighter plane."
"Vell .ya," said the old Scandianvian
pilot, "but those fokkers were Messerschmitt's."
A Microsoft WORD
Try this one:
Open a new document in
Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the
Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus)
Now look at the alternative
Sunday, June 14,
SONGS FOR VIAGRA
While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the
launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing
department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign
to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down.
through potential commercials, they realized that such an important
medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity.
Here are a few
of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.
1) I am a Rock -
2) Suddenly - B. Ocean
3) A Hard Days
Night - The Beatles
4) Please Mr. Postman
5) Can't Buy Me Love
(Now you can) - The Beatles
6) Do That To Me One More
Time - Captain and Tenille
7) Everlasting Love - The
8) Take Me Out To The Ballgame
9) Let Your Love Flow
- L. E. Williams
10) A Had Days Night - The Beatles
Longer - Dan Fogelberg
12) No Ordinary Love -
13) Help Me Make It Through the Night
14) Love Takes Time (about an
hour wait - according to Pfizer) - Mariah Carey
15) The Power of
Love - Celine Dion
16) The Things We Do For Love -
17) We've Only Just Begun - Paul Williams
18) Have You
Never Been Mello - Kris Kristofferson
19) Girls Just Want To Have
Fun - Cindy Lauper
20) When I'm 64 - The
Saturday, June 13,
Ralph was driving home one evening when
he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop
assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending
manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym
for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Dance for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for
$19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for
$19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $275.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced
Barbie $275.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the
sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat
and Ken's furniture.
Friday, June 12,
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting
to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the
guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times,
furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did
anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell
you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life,
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one
time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker
Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was
going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this
girl. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and
walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather
jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the
leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I ripped
the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire
iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor,
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home
before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says
"Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Thursday, June 11,
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for
the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir
was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami,
anchovies ets) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a
glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul,
you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand
"One thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched
Abdul, "white man sit on well."
Wednesday, June 10,
What a Deal
There's an elderly man and woman
sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman "For
five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten
dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take
you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion
you'll never forget"
The woman considers it a moment and then after fishing
through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says "So, you want
the romantic night in my room, eh?"
The woman says "No, I want four times in
A motorist, after being bogged down in
a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his
tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those
prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and
"Can't!" replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the
Tuesday, June 9,
Donald Duck and Minney Mouse were up in
a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing
Minny asks is "Do you have a condom?" and Donald says "No". Minney tells Donald
that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex but suggests to Donald
that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.
Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel
clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from
under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks "Would you like me to put
that on your bill?"
and Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF
Monday, June 8, 1998
Checkup from the Neck Up
Three elderly men are at the doctor for
a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's
your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says
the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I
subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Press Release Re: Job
Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers
news that 50,000 road workers to loose their jobs by the end of June 1998. News
from the White House indicates that the Japanese have improved our technology
once again to develop new equipment that will replace these present crew
members. It seems they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by
Sunday, June 7, 1998
Two guys who worked together were both
laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation,
the first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor,
she gave him $300, a week's unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his
occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled
job the clerk gave the second guy $600. a week.
When the first guy found out
he was furious. He stormed back in to findout why his friend and co-worker was
collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled
and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled the panty
"I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel
Saturday, June 6,
A True New Yorker
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New
Yorker were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says,
"The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and
then use your three skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to
choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison."
gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."
The chief gives him
a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled,
but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's
blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and
screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says,
"So much for your canoe, dirtbag!"
Friday, June 5, 1998
A passenger plane on a cross the
country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain,
hail, wind and lightening.
The passengers are screaming. They are sure
the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.
height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this
anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If
I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man
enough to make me feel like a woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and
a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off
his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the
He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make
you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
She shakes her
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron
Thursday, June 4,
An elderly couple were experiencing
declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they
teach one to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a
neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"Who was the Instructor?" the
"Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm...what's that flower,
you know, the one that smells real nice but has those thorns...?"
offered the neighbor.
"Right," said the man. He then turned toward his house
and shouted, "Hey,
Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class
Converting to Christainity
Hymie met Abie in the street on the way
to schul. "Hello Abie, how's it by you?"
"Vell, Hymie, to tell you the truth,
I've a big problem with mine son Myron."
Says Hymie, "So vots the
Abie replies, "Vell, Myron vent to Israel on holiday, and ven he
came home, I found out, he vas converted to Christianity.... vot should I
"Funny you should mention", says Hymie. "Mine Boychik Selwyn, he also
vent to Israel on holiday, and guess vot? Ven he returned, he vos also converted
to Christianity. I'm not sure vot to do about it".
Abie suggests that, as
they are near Schul, they should consult Rabbi Greenspan. Thus agreed, they tell
their respective stories to the Rabbi.
Rabbi Greenspan responds, "Funny you
should mention it, but mine son, Moshe, also vent to Israel for his holidays,
and guess vot? He vos also converted to Christianity!!! I am at my wits end, I
don't know vot to do!"
By consensus, the three gentlemen decide that the only
option they have is prayer. As they are praying, a thundercloud appears in an
otherwise clear blue sky. A thunderbolt flickers, and a voice booms from above:
"FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION IT ................"
Wednesday, June 3,
A presidential staff advisor walks into
the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on
their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the
"What's the matter" he asked
"Well, we had some bad news, and just
got some even worse news"
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some
atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at
their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to
regional war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"
Tuesday, June 2,
Three married couples, one Jewish, one
Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, "I've
been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised
a lot of money for Jewish causes."
"And what is your wife's name?" St. Peter
"Penny," the man replies.
"Penny?!!" shouts St. Peter. "You Jews
are all alike. Money, money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to
do with money! Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"
Then St. Peter
asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. "I've been a devout Catholic
throughout my life, attended church every Sunday, and always gave generously to
the collection plate."
"And what's your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Brandy," the Irishman replies.
"Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike.
Drink, drink, drink. You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol.
Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"
With that, the Greek guy turns
to his wife and says, "Fanny, I think we have a problem.."
Monday, June1, 1998
Meals on Wheels
One day a cat dies of natural causes
and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the
cat "you lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven
more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says
"Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard
The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful
fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming
accident and go to heaven.
Again there is the Lord there to greet them with
the same offer.
The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We
have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of
running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run
The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful
pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat
and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks
him, "How are things since you are here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and
replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those
Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!"