Wednesday, June 30,
This diet is designed to help
you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast - Dry
8 oz Skim
4 oz Lean Broiled
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
Rest of the Oreos in the Package
of Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or
Snickers Candy Bars
LATE EVENING NEWS
Entire Frozen Cheesecake eaten
directly from freezer
RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat
something and no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you
drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled
out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories
don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for
medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy toast and
Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you,
you look thinner.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The
process of baking causes calorie leakage.
7. Things licked off
knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing
Ex.: Peanut Butter on a knife
making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
that have the same color have the same number of
Ex: Spinach & Pistachio ice
cream, Mushrooms & White Chocolate.
NOTE: Chocolate is a
universal color and may be substituted for any other food
Tuesday, June 29,
Question Too Many
A defense attorney was
cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir,
but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender
running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow
officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me
ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir,
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that
you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that
Sunday, June 27,
An able-bodied seaman meets a
pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.
Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks,
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught
in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just
as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit
me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship pistols blastin' and
swords swinging' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the
Making An Impression
A young executive was leaving
the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of the company
shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is very
important, and my secretary's already left. Can you make this thing
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll just need
Sunday, June 27,
A motorist, after being bogged
down in a hole on a muddy road, paid a passing farmer twenty-five dollars to
pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground, the man said
"At those prices, I would think you'd be pulling people out of the mud night and
"Can't" said the farmer, "At night, I haul water for the
Saturday, June 26,
Honor Among Thieves
Johnson was charged with
stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later
that day Johnson came back to the judge who had presided at the
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty
lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Johnson, "I
didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I
Friday, June 25,
Her car breaks down on the
Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She
carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men
in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand
facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing
themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the
worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before
a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of
the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these
perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.
my emergency flashers!" replied the woman!
Well, in Redmond, Microsoft is
at it again - continually trying to make us look foolish. The following are new
Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows
1. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to
3. Press ANY key to continue or ANY OTHER key to
4. Bad command or file name! GO stand in the
5. This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another game?
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been
police are on the way.
This is a message from Gates:
"Rebooting the world.
Please log off."
8. File not found. Should I fake it?
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press
11. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
13. User Error:
Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient Replace user
Bad file name...
May we suggest M/S Internet
Thursday, June 24,
- Author Unknown
This is more embarrassing for
my mother than for me because I wasn't quite four years old when it happened. My
mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day I
was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read
the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in
the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with
unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.
fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving
to pick up the pastor and his wife for Dinner. Mom had assignments for all
of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed
it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst
into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of
embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with, you guessed
it, a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully
arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang
off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my
response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But Mom, you
SAID they were for special occasions!!
Wednesday, June 23,
A man decided that he was going
to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon
City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He
stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop.
Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the
bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope
lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the
bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his
bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30
miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the
Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the
road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to
the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He
then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, there's a guy on a 10 speed
bike honking to pass."
Tuesday, June 22,
Growing old is mandatory;
growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of
Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
You're getting old when you get the same
sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
Perhaps the reason why women over fifty don't have babies:
They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the
thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of
things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the
I finally got my head together, and my body fell
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because
by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was
getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I
understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I don't mind the rat
race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Amazing! You just
hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated
with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Seen it all, done it all, can't
remember most of it.
Monday, June 21,
"The Law of Volunteering"
you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly
people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice
starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"The Law of
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
You always find something in the last place you look.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always
available for work in the past tense.
organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
There is always one more bug.
You can't fall off the floor.
myth of management is that it exists.
For every action there is an equal and
opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built
buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that
came along would have destroyed civilization.
Sunday, June 20,
Things You'll Never Hear Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?...
I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car
dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a
certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and
the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play
football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and
I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of
those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just
have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine
is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your
belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job
for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh --
don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Saturday, June 19,
Things Not To Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license
unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar
detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in
relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not
gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the
Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You
probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you
been eating doughnuts?"
Friday, June 18,
"It's So Hot In Texas
*The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out
of the ground.
*The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to
have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled
"It's So Dry In Texas That..."
are giving evaporated milk.
*The trees are whistlin' for the
*A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for
me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."
*A visitor to Texas once
asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does.
Do you remember that part in the Bible
where it rained for 40 days and 40
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, we got 'bout two and a half inches of
"You Know You're In Texas When..."
no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water...
*You can say 110
degrees without fainting...
*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth
*You can make instant sun tea...
*You learn that a seat
belt makes a pretty good branding iron...
*The temperature drops below
95, you feel a bit chilly...
*You discover that in July, it takes only 2
fingers to drive your car...
*You discover that you can get a sunburn
through your car window...
*You notice the best parking place is
determined by shade instead of distance...
*Hot water now comes out of
*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and
not one person is out on the streets...
*You actually burn your hand
opening the car door...
*You break a sweat the instant you step
at 7:30 a.m. before work...
*No one would dream of putting
vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...
bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the
pavement and cook to death?..."
Thursday, June 17,
Off My Mind
A clergyman, walking down a
country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after
it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you
rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone
is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man
protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman
said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and
I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's
under the load of hay."
Wednesday, June 16,
Before performing a baptism,
the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious
Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My
wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of
cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest
responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the
reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of
Tuesday, June 15,
A young ventriloquist is
touring the South and stops to entertain in a Redneck bar. He's going through
his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up
and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of our smart mouth redneck
jokes. We ain't all stupid here!"
Flustered, he ventriloquist begins to
apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this
mister - I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your
Monday, June 14,
"George is so forgetful," the
sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything.
I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm
not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and
in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was
at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five
years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd
forget the sandwiches."
To Sleep, Or To Sleep Not
By the time Willard pulled into
a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere,"
he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double
room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split
the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in
adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next
morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
you sleep?" asked the manager.
The manager was
impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him
up in no time" said Willard.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, cutie,'
and he sat bolt upright all night watching me like a
Sunday, June 13,
A transcript of the new
answering service recently installed at the Royal College of
"Hello, and welcome to the mental
If you are a obsessive-compulsive, press one
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press two for
If you have multiple personalities, press three, four, five and
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press seven
and your call will be transferred to the
If you are
schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no-one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget
with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have
amnesia press eight and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth,
social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have short
term memory loss,press nine. If you have short term memory loss, press
nine. If you have short term memory loss, press nine. If you have short term
memory loss, press nine.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All
our operators are too busy to talk to you."
Saturday, June 12,
One day at work, Jerry Moore
had taken this temp who was filling in for his secretary to lunch in gratitude
for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it,
there was his wife waiting in the office for his return.
The temp, who was
truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you.
I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat, his wife
quietly intoned, "OH? Really? WERE you???"
Friday, June 11,
Don't Make a Nurse Angry
A big shot business man had to
spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses
because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the
hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the
only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he
finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry",
the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This
started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared
his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under
his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an
hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor
confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation
Thursday, June 10,
Tired of constantly being
broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both
problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the
beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put
him in touch with an underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie". Artie
explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance
Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened
up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as
down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's
wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the
produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the
poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the
manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the
produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were
captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security
guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and
arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at
the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his
financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why,
the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
[you're going to hate me for this]
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT
Wednesday, June 9,
Four Catholic ladies are
having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a
priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly,
"My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in
The first three women give her this subtle
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied
stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my
Tuesday, June 8,
The residents of Silicon Valley
are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple
Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan.
"MS: It's not a
Exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention
to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been
met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn' t relish the association of
ideas, but is painfully aware that it can' t afford to appear insensitive over
such an issue.
Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two
One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction
that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.
is a disease.
Monday, June 7, 1999
Scientific Beer Study
Yesterday, scientists for the
USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer
each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't
drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize
No further testing is
Thoughts to Ponder
Why are a wise man and a wise
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Do infants enjoy
infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is a person who plays the
piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women
wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what
happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's
just stale bread to begin with.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and
milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?
Why do we say
something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?
"I am" is reportedly
the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners
Sunday, June 6, 1999
10 Ways To Know If You Have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using
your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my
driving - call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an
invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it
Saturday, June 5,
A football coach walked into
the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not
supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So,
what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and
asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did
you say 4?" the coach exclaimed.
All the other players on the team
immediately began screaming,..."Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Friday, June 4, 1999
In 1854, a drifter rode into a
New Mexico town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals
always had a habit of picking on drifters. When he finished his drink, he found
his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun
into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot
into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled
with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE
ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA
DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked
outside, and his horse is back!
He saddles-up and starts to ride out of
town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you
go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to
to Read Auto Ads
- - before it
NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
- - was blind sided by a
LOOKS LIKE NEW
- - just don't try to drive it
- - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or
LOADED WITH OPTIONS
- - each one more troublesome than the
NEVER SMOKED IN
- - unfortunately, that's the best thing I can
say about it.
- - doesn't run.
- - doesn't run.
NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
- - doesn't
Thursday, June 3,
A young man hired by a
supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a
warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be
to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here,
give me the broom - I'll show you how."
Wednesday, June 2,
An avid duck hunter was in the
market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could
actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none
of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to
a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they
fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog,
however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird,
never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not
say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you
notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his
friend. "He can't swim."
Tuesday, June 1,
We Have a
A honeymoon couple is in the
Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is
The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the
drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with
four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and
the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of
the chandelier falling on them!"