June 1999

We Have a Bug	Walking on Water	Still Learning
The Drifter	How to Read Auto Ads	Passing Math
Thoughts to Ponder	10 Ways To Know If You Have PMS	Scientific Beer Study
Painfully True	The Unhappy Husband	Bragging
The New Secretary	Don't Make a Nurse Angry	New Phone System
George	To Sleep, Or To Sleep Not	The Ventriloquist
A Load Off My Mind	Are You Prepared?	Texas
Things Not To Say To A Cop	Things You'll Never Hear Dad Say	Growing Old
Speeding Up	Windows 2000	Special Occasions
Breaking Down	No Honor Among Thieves	Mud Hole
The Hook	Making An Impression	Stress Diet
	One Question Too Many

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

BREAKFAST
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast - Dry
8 oz Skim Milk

LUNCH
4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie

MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of the Oreos in the Package
2 Pints of Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

DINNER
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

LATE EVENING NEWS
Entire Frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, you look thinner.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of baking causes calorie leakage.

7. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
Ex.: Peanut Butter on a knife making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

8. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Ex: Spinach & Pistachio ice cream, Mushrooms & White Chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship pistols blastin' and swords swinging' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook.."

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of the company shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is very important, and my secretary's already left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll just need one copy."

A motorist, after being bogged down in a hole on a muddy road, paid a passing farmer twenty-five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground, the man said "At those prices, I would think you'd be pulling people out of the mud night and day".
"Can't" said the farmer, "At night, I haul water for the hole."

Johnson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Johnson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Johnson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.
"Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the woman!

Well, in Redmond, Microsoft is at it again - continually trying to make us look foolish. The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press ANY key to continue or ANY OTHER key to quit.

4. Bad command or file name!   GO stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session.
      Do you want to play another game?

6. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The
    police are on the way.

7. This is a message from Gates:
     "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

12. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

13. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient Replace user

14. Netscape.exe... Bad file name...
      May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)

This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.

Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for Dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with, you guessed it, a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, there's a guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps the reason why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

"It's So Hot In Texas That......"

*The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

*The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

*Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

"It's So Dry In Texas That..."

*The cows are giving evaporated milk.

*The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

*A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."

*A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible
where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, we got 'bout two and a half inches of that."

"You Know You're In Texas When..."

*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water...

*You can say 110 degrees without fainting...

*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off...

*You can make instant sun tea...

*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...

*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...

*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car...

*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...

*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance...

*Hot water now comes out of both taps...

*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets...

*You actually burn your hand opening the car door...

*You break a sweat the instant you step outside...
at 7:30 a.m. before work...

*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...

*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?..."

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step.
Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain in a Redneck bar. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of our smart mouth redneck jokes. We ain't all stupid here!"
Flustered, he ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister - I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, cutie,' and he sat bolt upright all night watching me like a hawk!"

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Royal College of Psychiatry

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline:

If you are a obsessive-compulsive, press one repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press two for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press three, four, five and six.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press seven and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press eight and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have short term memory loss,press nine. If you have short term memory loss, press nine. If you have short term memory loss, press nine. If you have short term memory loss, press nine.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

One day at work, Jerry Moore had taken this temp who was filling in for his secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was his wife waiting in the office for his return.
The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat, his wife quietly intoned, "OH? Really? WERE you???"

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
(Scroll Down)

DRUM ROLL

[you're going to hate me for this]

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan.
"MS: It's not a software company."
Exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn' t relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can' t afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart:
One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.
The other is a disease.

Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed.
All the other players on the team immediately began screaming,..."Come on coach, give him another chance!"

In 1854, a drifter rode into a New Mexico town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on drifters. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!
He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

MUST SELL
- - before it blows up.

NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
- - was blind sided by a Winnebego.

LOOKS LIKE NEW
- - just don't try to drive it anywhere.

ALL ORIGINAL
- - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

LOADED WITH OPTIONS
- - each one more troublesome than the next.

NEVER SMOKED IN
- - unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.

PROJECT CAR
- - doesn't run.

LOTS OF POTENTIAL
- - doesn't run.

NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
- - doesn't run.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"