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July, 2000

Monday, July 31, 2000

State Mottos

Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity.

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat.

Arkansas:
Lituracy Ain't Ever'thang.

California:
As Seen on TV.

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character.

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water.

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru. (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money.)

Idaho:
Potatoes and NeoNazis ... What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the S.

Indiana:
Tidal Wave Free for Two Billion Years and Counting!

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn.

Kansas:
Where Science Don't Mean Shit.

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster.

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware.

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (Well, For Most Tax Brackets).

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians.

Minnesota:
Ten Thousand Lakes and Ten Trillion Mosquitoes.

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State.

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work.

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest.

Nevada:
Whores and Gambling!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone.

New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets.

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent; You Have the Right to an Attorney ...

North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable.

North Dakota:
We Really ARE One of the Fifty States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan.

Oklahoma:
Just Like the Musical, Only No Music or Singing.

Oregon:
Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner.

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal.

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island.

South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender.

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota.

Tennessee:
The Educashun State.

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ingles. (Yes, I speak English.)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.

Vermont:
Yep.

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese.

Wyoming:
Where men are men and sheep are scared.

Sunday, July 30, 2000

For The Ladies

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Saturday, July 29, 2000

Dog Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Friday, July 28, 2000

The Best Position to Pray

Three neighbors  were discussing the proper position and attitude for prayer. One said, "You should be on your knees with your head bowed in reverence to the Almighty."
The second man spoke up and said, "Remember that you were created in God's image.   The position in which to pray is to stand up looking into the heavens into the face of God and talk to Him as a child to his father."
The third man spoke up and said, "I don't know about those positions, but the finest praying I ever did was upside down in a well."

Thursday, July 27, 2000

Choices

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. What's wrong with you?" She asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so?"
"I would have gotten out today."

Wednesday, July 26, 2000

Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Poofff! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and Poofff!  He was ninety.

Tuesday, July 25, 2000

Nervous About Flying

A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles.  He decides to kill some time at an airport bar.  He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him.   The man introduces himself to the nervous guy and buys him a drink.
The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"
The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous?  I'm t-terrified.  I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die."
"Is this your first time flying?"
"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time.  It's m-my job."
"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"
"H-he would never l-let me do that"
"Why not?" asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot."

Monday, July 24, 2000

Professors

A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor. The street was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools !"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,  "I always do."

The Next Best Thing

Three old men were sitting around and talking.   The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee.  I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts.  I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement.  I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem.  Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee.  At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement.   The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

Sunday, July 23, 2000

Dentist's Office

A ten-year-old boy and his mother were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for the boy's painful tooth.  Entering the room, the dentist asked, "Well, Son, which one's the troublemaker?"

Without hesitation, the boy replied, "My brother!"

Saturday, July 22, 2000

Can't Wait

This guy loved living on Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the deckhand said.  "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

Friday, July 21, 2000

Bride and Groom

The preacher at the wedding was an ardent fisherman and forgetful.  He asked the groom, "Do you promise to love, honor, and cherish this woman?"
"I do," said the groom meekly.  "
Okay," said the minister, turning to the bride, "reel him in."

Thursday, July 20, 2000

The Rabbi and the Husband

A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.  In fact, she talked to me on the phone for over THREE HOURS!  You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Wednesday, July 19, 2000

Letters Sent to Landlords

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

"The toilet seat is cracked: Where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from wall."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."

"Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

"Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us."

"When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Tuesday, July 18, 2000

Musical Movie Stars

 Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

Monday, July 17, 2000

Light Bulbs + PMS

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
 
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the
light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Sunday, July 16, 2000

Mrs. Clinton

It was Bill Clinton's first election and he was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.
When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
Bill's smiled faded. "Aw hell, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

Saturday, July 15, 2000

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall:
"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

Friday, July 14, 2000

Getting Pulled Over

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind   the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"No," the lady yelled back, "It's a scarf!"

License Renewal

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Thursday, July 13, 2000

The Doctor

A newly hired nurse was listening when the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" She asked another nurse why he was saying all these things.

The experienced nurse replied, "Oh he just likes to call the shots around here."

Wednesday, July 12, 2000

Life Is Good

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."
So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, Sam returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Tuesday, July 11, 2000

Wise Advice From Kids

"The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants." - Ari, age 7

"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you."  - Rob, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it."   - Steven, age 8

"Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from." - Susannah, age 6

"When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off." - Jon, age 12

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie, age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you.  They have a sick sense." - Beau, age 10

"My dog had worms.  I think he was going fishing." - Emma, age 4

Monday, July 10, 2000

The Jungle Bungle

In 1873, a team of German explorers and their three dogs decided to penetrate the heart of the South American jungle.  After twelve years, they had set up a fort in an Incan town, the centerpiece of which was a large idol with a huge ruby for an eye.
The German church had sent out their best man, Friar Wilhelm Werks three times to check on the progress of the fort, and each time the appearance of the idol had sent him into fits of screaming, complete with shouts, curses, and rending of garments.  Each time, he screamed so loud that he sent the dogs running for cover.  And each time, he left with a warning that the next time he visited, the idol had better be torn down.
The commander of the fort, Hans Brickner, received a message that Friar Werks would be coming to visit again in a fortnight.  He quickly called a meeting with his top commanders.  All five agreed that the Friar would explode when he saw the idol still standing.
"But," said Commander Brickner, "there's nothing to be done.  If we take down the idol, we will anger the local tribe, and without their cooperation we're dead."
His second-in-command, Herr Kommandant Wagner said, "In that case, we'd better make sure we put the dogs away."
"Why?"
"You know how scared the dogs get when Friar Werks goes off on the Fort of Jewel Eye."

Sunday, July 9, 2000

Signs Someone Plays Too Many Video Games

They ask for all their money in quarters.
They're not sure what season, or year it is.
They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).
The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.
Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.
Their fingers twitch all the time.
When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.
They can play 2 player games by themselves.
Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.
Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

Saturday, July 8, 2000

Hard Time

Mrs. Johnson went to the Mayor's office to plead clemency for her husband, Fred, who was serving time in jail.  The Mayor received her graciously.
"Now, Mrs. Johnson, how long will Fred be in jail?" asked the Mayor.
Mrs. Johnson replied, "Thirty days."
"And what's the charge?"
"No charge," Mrs. Johnson answered, "Everything's free!"
The Mayor said, "No,no,no, I mean, why did he get sent to jail?"
"Oh, he stole a loaf of bread."
"Well, is he a decent father to Fred Jr.?"
"He's the worst.  He drinks, he gambles my paycheck away, and he uses his fists."
"He uses his fists a lot?"
"Yes.  Fred was fourteen before he realized he had fingers!"
The Mayor was confused.  "Why do you want him back?"
Mrs. Johnson replied, "We're out of bread again!"

Friday, July 7, 2000

Hearing Impaired?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Thursday, July 6, 2000

Diet Rules for Cheaters

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. 

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat--the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.  NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

Wednesday, July 5, 2000

Goin' Fishin'

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.
All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this skating rink!

Tuesday, July 4, 2000

A Place To Sleep

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning, John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. When asked about how he slept, he replied, "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' With that he sat up all night watching me."

Monday, July 3, 2000

The Train

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.

"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power. Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the trainhad stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The badnews is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."

Sunday, July 2, 2000

Embarrassing Moments

This is dedicated to everyone who has ever been embarrassed by a child's words or action.  My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One
day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me. "Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting worse. So...........I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.... "See MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'  While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.  
I was mortified......but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

Saturday, July 1, 2000

Why The Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt
In The Star Trek Universe.

1. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".

2. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

3. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

4. One word: Lightsabers.

5. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

6. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.

7. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

8. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

9. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".

10. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.