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July, 2003

Thursday, July 31, 2003

More From Mr. Bob Hope

Jerry Colonna said, "Bob, I heard you used to box under the name of Packy East, why did you quit?
"I ruined my hands in the ring......the referee kept stepping on them!

Bob had a long association with NBC. He said, "I've been with NBC so long. I was here when the peacock was just an egg"

Bob's troupe visited the Navy hospital ward. Jerry Colonna told Bob. "I was out with a nurse last night."
Bob said, "Well, if you behave, maybe they'll let you go out without one!"

Bob once said:

"One sailor told me the pretty nurse on his ward really knows her job. She takes our blood pressure and then deducts twenty points for "white dress" syndrome.

"Sailors on shore leave spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then they go to chapel on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

"Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it."

"President and Mrs. Eisenhower were given a new piano for the White House. The old piano that Harry Truman left had been worked on several times but regardless of what was played on it, it still came out, "The Missouri Waltz."

Bob Hope traveled further and entertained more people than anybody. Looking over a list of his activities, Bob said: "If I had my life to live over....I wouldn't have time."

Thanks for all the memories you left us with Bob, you will never be forgotten.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

From Mr. Bob Hope

Bob was being chided by Bing Crosby for his expanding waist line. Bob said, "The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends."

Bob had met Bing about seven years before their first Road together. "It was love at first sight," says Hope. "We started to insult each other from the moment we met."

Bob once said:

"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees"

"I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead!"

"I asked my good friend, Arnold Palmer how I could improve my game, he advised me to Cheat!"

"My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one".

"When vaudeville died, television was the box they put it in."

At his 100th birthday he said:

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Job Hunting

My brother wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates.  Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper. I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.

He said, "A self-starter!"

Monday, July 28, 2003

Worms

A third grade teacher was demonstrating to her class the effects of alcohol on the body. At one point she poured alcohol on a live worm. It shriveled up, dried out, and died. The teacher asked the young students what they had learned from this. A boy put up his hand with great enthusiasm. When asked by the teacher what he had learned, the boy said, "If you drink alcohol, you won't have worms!"

Sunday, July 27, 2003

New Preacher

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he  tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, but the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"

Saturday, July 26, 2003

Scary Flight

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Friday, July 25, 2003

Grades

There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. Since it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade, and C grade.

One student, who had spent the weekend on more "extra-curricular pursuits," went to the bank, and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C. He then retyped it and handed
the work in.

In due course he received it back with the professor's comments.

"I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it was worth an A, and now I'm pleased to give it one!"

Thursday, July 24, 2003

From The Mouths of Babes

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child  said to her mother. Then she added.,  "Mommy can't come to the phone  to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Doorbell

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Monday, July 21, 2003

Lumberjack

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his ax, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your ax and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Sunday, July 20, 2003

Father's Occupation

What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

Saturday, July 19, 2003

Little Johnny

The teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds there are in a year?"

All the kids looked baffled by the question except Little Johnny, who raised his hand and waved it excitedly.

"Yes, Little Johnny, how many seconds are there in a year?" the teacher asked.

Replied Little Johnny, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February second, March second..."

Friday, July 18, 2003

Names, Names...

Linda had gotten a new job as a reporter for her local newspaper and she met with the venerable chief editor on her first day.

"Names, names," the old editor said.  "No story is complete without the names of everyone involved."

Linda assured him she would make him proud of her reporting abilities. Her first assignment was to write an article on a local disaster.  She came back a few hours later and filed this report:

Three farms in our area were affected by severe lightning storms Thursday night.  Mr. and Mrs. Horace Greene reported a fire in their barn.  Michael Arlington said several trees were knocked down by the violence of the storm.  Fred Morse also reported that three of his cows were struck by lightning. Their names were Bessie, Elsie and Bertha.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Spare Change

A bum asked a man on the street for $5. 

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No." 

"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No." 

"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf" 

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

The Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Questions

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't right know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't right know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, if ya don't ask questions, ya never learn nothin'."

Monday, July 14, 2003

Mother's Wedding Dress

When my sister got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress.

The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

Sunday, July 13, 2003

Audit

I was  nervously and unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review my records.  At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Drum, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.  As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," I said , with a giant grin from ear to ear"   "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

Saturday, July 12, 2003

"Burial or Cremation?"

I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" was discussed.  Two of the people got rather worked up.

One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is . . . making an ash of yourself!"

The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing . . .  is making a fuel of yourself!"

Friday, July 11, 2003

Quips & Quotes

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Q. What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
A. Senator.

Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

It's amazing how your kids stop coming back home once they get their own washer and dryer.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Amazing Dog

A large dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case.

"What is it, boy?" the butcher jokingly asks. "Want to buy some meat?"

"Woof!" barks the dog.

"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak..."

"Woof!" interrupts the dog.

"And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound..."

"Woof!" signals the dog.

The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse. As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins scratching at a door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.

"Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever seen!"

"Intelligent?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Wednesday, July 9, 2003

Worry Wart

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, "Tom replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since."

"A thousand a week!" said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?"

"That's his problem."

Tuesday, July 8, 2003

Covering Your Tracks

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

Monday, July 7, 2003

Advice To Your Daughter

1.  Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.

2.  What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3.  If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.

4.  Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.

5.  Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6.  Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7.  Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8.  Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself types.

9.  Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Sunday, July 6, 2003

Mailbox

"I have a problem," a woman complained to her friend, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

"Don't you have a phone in your car?" asked the friend.

"That was too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

"A mail box? Does that work?"

"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

"And why do you think that is?"

"I figure it's because when I'm driving around my zip code keeps changing."

Saturday, July 5, 2003

Hard Times

A large, unsavory-looking man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is out of work, the mother is ill and the children are hungry. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Friday, July 4, 2003

X-Ray

"Do you remember that terribly pushy woman with the attitude problem who lived in the apartment above us?"

"Yes, what about her?"

"She's marrying a doctor she met when she went in for X-rays."

"Really...I wonder what he saw in her?"

Thursday, July 3, 2003

A Reservation

When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he had trouble selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity.

While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!

Wednesday, July 2, 2003

Leap Of Faith

Robert lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Robert decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Robert, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Robert to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Tuesday, July 1, 2003

Hmmm...

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married.

I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?