Thursday, July 31, 2003
Mr. Bob Hope
Colonna said, "Bob, I heard you used to box under the name of Packy East,
why did you quit?
"I ruined my hands in the ring......the referee kept stepping on them!
Bob had a long
association with NBC. He said, "I've been with NBC so long. I was here
when the peacock was just an egg"
troupe visited the Navy hospital ward. Jerry Colonna told Bob. "I was out
with a nurse last night."
Bob said, "Well, if you behave, maybe they'll let you go out without one!"
"One sailor told me the pretty
nurse on his ward really knows her job. She takes our blood pressure and then
deducts twenty points for "white dress" syndrome.
"Sailors on shore
leave spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then they go
to chapel on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."
"Out here in the
Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an
hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about
them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it."
"President and Mrs. Eisenhower
were given a new piano for the White House. The old piano that Harry Truman left
had been worked on several times but regardless of what was played on it, it
still came out, "The Missouri Waltz."
Bob Hope traveled further and
entertained more people than anybody. Looking over a list of his activities, Bob
said: "If I had my life to live over....I wouldn't have time."
Thanks for all the memories you
left us with Bob, you will never be forgotten.
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
From Mr. Bob Hope
being chided by Bing Crosby for his expanding waist line. Bob said, "The
older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body
and your fat are really good friends."
Bob had met Bing about seven years
before their first Road together. "It was love at first sight," says Hope. "We
started to insult each other from the moment we met."
"Golf is my profession. Show
business is just to pay the green fees"
"I set out to play golf with the
intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead!"
"I asked my good friend, Arnold
Palmer how I could improve my game, he advised me to Cheat!"
"My father told me all about
the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was
"When vaudeville died, television
was the box they put it in."
At his 100th birthday he said:
you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I don't feel old - I don't
feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
July 29, 2003
wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss, my
friends, my business associates. Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his
resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions
Wanted section of the newspaper. I asked him what he wanted to call himself in
He said, "A self-starter!"
Monday, July 28, 2003
grade teacher was demonstrating to her class the effects of alcohol on the
body. At one point she poured alcohol on a live worm. It shriveled up,
dried out, and died. The teacher asked the young students what they had
learned from this. A boy put up his hand with great enthusiasm. When asked
by the teacher what he had learned, the boy said, "If you drink alcohol,
you won't have worms!"
July 27, 2003
A new preacher
had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into
the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in
seminary school when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point.
Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again,
"Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his
microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady
in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, but the woman
replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten
out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
Saturday, July 26, 2003
was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293,
non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and
therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking
the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of
Friday, July 25, 2003
a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term
papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all
needs. Since it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly
handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade,
and C grade.
One student, who had spent the weekend on more "extra-curricular
pursuits," went to the bank, and as his course was a standard one he took
out a paper for a inconspicuous C. He then retyped it and handed
the work in.
In due course he received it back with the professor's comments.
"I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it was worth
an A, and now I'm pleased to give it one!"
Thursday, July 24, 2003
From The Mouths of Babes
was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she
added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young
Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on
the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -
say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
July 22, 2003
is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying
to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to
the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,
placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the
doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
July 21, 2003
well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking
for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at
the camp with his ax, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head
lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your
ax and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back
knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the
skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call
Sunday, July 20, 2003
your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of
the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
brother and two half sisters."
Saturday, July 19, 2003
teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute, 60
minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can
tell me how many seconds there are in a year?"
All the kids looked baffled by the question except Little Johnny, who
raised his hand and waved it excitedly.
"Yes, Little Johnny, how many seconds are there in a year?" the teacher
Replied Little Johnny, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February second,
Friday, July 18, 2003
gotten a new job as a reporter for her local newspaper and she met with
the venerable chief editor on her first day.
"Names, names," the old editor said. "No story is complete without the
names of everyone involved."
Linda assured him she would make him proud of her reporting abilities. Her
first assignment was to write an article on a local disaster. She came
back a few hours later and filed this report:
Three farms in our area were affected by severe lightning storms Thursday
night. Mr. and Mrs. Horace Greene reported a fire in their barn. Michael
Arlington said several trees were knocked down by the violence of the
storm. Fred Morse also reported that three of his cows were struck by
lightning. Their names were Bessie, Elsie and Bertha.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
asked a man on the street for $5.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I
don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a
substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted
to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,
we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more,
please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy
suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father,
"How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't right know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish
Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't right know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of
The father replied, "Of course not, if ya don't ask questions, ya never
Monday, July 14, 2003
Mother's Wedding Dress
sister got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress.
The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in
the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit
on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion.
"You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that
Sunday, July 13, 2003
nervously and unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come
to review my records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Drum, we
feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.
As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to
eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," I said , with a giant grin from ear to ear" "I thought
you were going to want me to pay with cash."
Saturday, July 12, 2003
"Burial or Cremation?"
I was in
a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" was
discussed. Two of the people got rather worked up.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be
doing is . . . making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized
bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing . . . is
making a fuel of yourself!"
Friday, July 11, 2003
Quips & Quotes
England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1
out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Q. What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and
then marry him.
It's amazing how your kids stop coming back home once they get their own
washer and dryer.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth. He puts the
purse down and sits in front of the meat case.
"What is it, boy?" the butcher jokingly asks. "Want to buy some meat?"
"Woof!" barks the dog.
"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak..."
"Woof!" interrupts the dog.
"And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound..."
"Woof!" signals the dog.
The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's
purse. As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an
apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins scratching at a
door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at
"Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever
"Intelligent?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's
forgotten his key!"
Wednesday, July 9, 2003
been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this
problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be
worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, "Tom replied. "I
haven't had a single qualm since."
"A thousand a week!" said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?"
"That's his problem."
Tuesday, July 8, 2003
Covering Your Tracks
returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable
damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see
that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident
are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name,
address and other particulars. But I'm not."
Monday, July 7, 2003
Advice To Your Daughter
imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up
4. Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Sunday, July 6, 2003
"I have a
problem," a woman complained to her friend, "I'm on the road a lot, and my
clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
"Don't you have a phone in your car?" asked the friend.
"That was too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in
"A mail box? Does that work?"
"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
"And why do you think that is?"
"I figure it's because when I'm driving around my zip code keeps
Saturday, July 5, 2003
unsavory-looking man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the
minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible
plight of a poor family in this district. The father is out of work, the
mother is ill and the children are hungry. They are about to be turned
into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the
landlord," he sobbed.
Friday, July 4, 2003
remember that terribly pushy woman with the attitude problem who lived in
the apartment above us?"
"Yes, what about her?"
"She's marrying a doctor she met when she went in for X-rays."
"Really...I wonder what he saw in her?"
Thursday, July 3, 2003
Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he had trouble selling it. People
just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his
idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different
towns in order to drum up publicity.
While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to
put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian
chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what
he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a
Wednesday, July 2, 2003
Leap Of Faith
lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take
the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and
found there was a wait for the next boat, So Robert decided to stop at a
nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the
ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Robert,
afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap
and landed right on the deck of the boat.
you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Robert to a deck hand.
great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling
Tuesday, July 1, 2003
read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married.
I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?