July2004

No Problems	Sanity.....	American Holiday
Birthday Surprise	No WAY!	Few Words
Tax Audit	Partners	Shoes
6-Pack Vision	Making An Example	Communication
Useless Advice	Dress Code	Nah...
Question	Having Doubts	Red Ears
From The Mouths of Babes	Border Patrol	High Blood Pressure
The Photographer	Changed Man	Not Me!
Millions	Then What	Proper Behavior
Survival	Three Boys	The Daiquiri
	Chickens

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while, Senor."

The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, Senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, Senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, Senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What! I'm not going to do that!"

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.

Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible.

The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture.

After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank.

Moral: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

A man tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!"

The guard wants to examine them. The man gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The man packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine."

Same results... nothing but sand and the man is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the man didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the man, "Buddy, you had us going crazy. We knew you were smuggling something but couldn't figure out what it was. I swear won't say anything, what were you smuggling?"

The man says, "Bicycles."

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

A woman of questionable intelligence with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she said, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back."

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Dad, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"

He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

A teacher was trying to get her seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," she asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.

"My local General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

A young lad is caught stealing from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.

Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"

Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor."

Judge: "Humph! I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately."

Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!"

Judge: "Consider yourself lucky! It could have been life boy."

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."

"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel. Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

President Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929) was a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home. When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?"

"Yup," was Coolidge's brief reply.

"What was it about?" Grace asked.

"Sin."

"And what did the minister say?"

"He's against it."

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine division. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out.

My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed a sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."

An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the madam that he would like a young woman for the night. The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Just how old are you, mister?"

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer.

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday."

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead"

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.