Saturday, July 31, 2004
A man was
having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The
neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had
the right to go where they wanted.
Friday, July 30, 2004
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
A Scout Master was teaching his
boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important
things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for
church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents
might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
Monday, July 26, 2004
went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan
there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".
Sunday, July 25, 2004
American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat
were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican
on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The
Mexican replied, "Only a little while, Senor."
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Friday, July 23, 2004
since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop
drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She
taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
Thursday, July 22, 2004
photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a
ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said,
"High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
A man tries to
cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his
shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
Monday, July 19, 2004
A friend hosted
a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was encouraged to bring their
Sunday, July 18, 2004
of questionable intelligence with two red ears went to her doctor. The
doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she said, "I was
ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
Saturday, July 17, 2004
that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts
about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Dad, I know something
about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."
Friday, July 16, 2004
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
Thursday, July 15, 2004
A teacher was trying to get her seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
would you feel," she asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend
trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
A patient was
waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
Monday, July 12, 2004
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Sunday, July 11, 2004
lad is caught stealing from the local soap factory. When the case comes to
court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other
youths from a life of crime.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard
showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend
glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand,
I'd look like her."
Friday, July 9, 2004
women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's
foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel. Unaware of my predicament,
she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself
crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
Thursday, July 8, 2004
A very successful businessman had
a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you
into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm
making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the
factory every day and learn the operations."
Wednesday, July 7, 2004
of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He
had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
Tuesday, July 6, 2004
Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929) was a man of very few words.
One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home. When he
returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?"
Monday, July 5, 2004
A friend of
mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine division. One evening,
the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he
discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his patrol
car and commanded it to enter and seek.
Sunday, July 4, 2004
An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the madam that he would like a young woman for the night. The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Just how old are you, mister?"
"Why," the old patron says, "I'm 98 years old today!"
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh," he says, "then how much do I owe you?
Saturday, July 3, 2004
Osama bin Laden, not
feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic
about the date of his death.
Friday, July 2, 2004
and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Thursday, July 1, 2004
injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his
body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.