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chuckle

July, 2005

Sunday,  July 31, 2005

Junior

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Saturday,  July 30, 2005

The Bathroom Scale

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon."

"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the numbers?"

Friday,  July 29, 2005

Getting Pneumonia

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft. 

"But doc,"  protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."

Thursday,  July 28, 2005

The Eight Levels of Joy!

Your metabolism changes so that you can lose weight eating chocolate.

You realize that your kid's report card was really a bad dream.

Your computer actually crashes when the technician is there.

You bought Amazon.com 2 years ago -- and held it.

Steven Speilberg calls your boss looking for you.

You haven't put on weight -- your clothes shrank.

Your child calls from college just to say hi.

The IRS loses your name.

Wednesday,  July 27, 2005

One of These Days
A Classic

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by train so that she could manage our house over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

Tuesday,  July 26, 2005

I Can't Remember

Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another  woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out,"...and I can't remember who she was!"

Sunday,  July 24, 2005

Do You Recall...

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. 

"Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a fine meal  here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

Sunday,  July 24, 2005

Memory

Tony was talking to Guido about the new memory school he had attended. "It was great!" said Tony.  "They teach you how to associate things with other things and that helps you to remember".

"That sounds terrific, I can sure use something like that. What's the name of the school?"

"I forgot but let me try that association method they taught me. What's the name of the flower with the pretty petals and thorns on it?"

"That's a rose."

"Oh yeah, that's right" said Tony. Turning towards his wife he yells "Hey Rose, what's the name of that school I went to?"

Saturday,  July 23, 2005

Names

The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?" he asked.

"John," the new guy replied. 

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.  It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Friday,  July 22, 2005

Getting a Good Hand

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."

Thursday,  July 21, 2005

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep with out the aid of drugs,


...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Wednesday,  July 20, 2005

Exercise While Pregnant

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Tuesday,  July 19, 2005

For The Right Price

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners gardening, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other leaped up, spun about, and gracefully swirled, seeming to dance movements.

Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!"

When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey  Louie! Do you think for a hundred bucks you could step on that rake again?'

Monday,  July 18, 2005

Flood

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?  Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.  What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?  Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?

Sunday,  July 17, 2005

Work

A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting...

"My fellow workers. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."

"Hooray!", goes the crowd.

"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."

"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.

"We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."

"Hooray!"

"We have a 150% pay rise."

"Hooray!"

"We will only work on Wednesdays."

Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"

Saturday,  July 16, 2005

Air Conditioning

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned  up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile.  "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Friday,  July 15, 2005

Vanishing Cream

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

Thursday,  July 14, 2005

The Missus

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Wednesday,  July 13, 2005

Beyond Chemistry

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"

"No sir," one student called out.

"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't dissolve in this particular acid."

"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"

Tuesday,  July 12, 2005

Last Requests

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.  He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that  gun...

Monday,  July 11, 2005

Trouble

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him. 

"Listen", said the doctor. "If  you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Sunday,  July 10, 2005

Pills

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Saturday,  July 9, 2005

Cultural Exchange

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Friday,  July 8, 2005

Coffee From the Heart

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee.  He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict.  The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee.  As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

Thursday,  July 7, 2005

Summer Vacations

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of it, we went to Ohio."

Wednesday,  July 6, 2005

From the Mouths of Babes

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little five-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quite. Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him sobbing.

"What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father.

Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, an-an-and I want  to stay with YOU guys!"

Tuesday,  July 5, 2005

Thank You, Dear!

I was sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast and came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

I turned to my wife with an apparent look of bewilderment on my face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

She replied, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Monday,  July 4, 2005

What Would...

Cassie walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register she saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them.  She was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so she asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

Cassie thought a moment and then replied,

"Well, I don't think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

Sunday,  July 3, 2005

Guy Night

I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night".

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."

Saturday,  July 2, 2005

A Problem?

In a stationery store, I quickly picked out a card for my wife for our anniversary.  The clerk was surprised by how little time it took me, and she began relating a story about another customer who spent a half-hour searching for the right  anniversary greeting.  Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if she could help. 

"Is there a problem?" she asked.

"Yes, there is," he replied ruefully.  "I can't find one my wife will believe."  

Friday,  July 1, 2005

Serious Trouble!

Just before our first long deployment, two Navy buddies and I were talking about the stress of  leaving our families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard our conversation and offered the following advice:

"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional  needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"