Monday, July 31, 2006
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
Sunday, July 30, 2006
A man was pondering all the questions of life, universe, and his own personal problem. The man could not find any answers so he sought help from God.
"God!? God?! Are you there God?!", he shouted.
God responded, "What is it my son?"
"I have a few questions, mind if I ask?"
"Go right ahead, my son ... anything.", God said
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second".
"Hmmm", he wondered. Then he asked again, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is only worth a penny."
The man lift his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a final question. "God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!! ... in a second".
Saturday, July 29, 2006
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor!" he started.
"No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."
"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
Friday, July 28, 2006
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies: "Forget it man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.
"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. The doctor asked if he was still waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.
"Yes," says George. "But God has made it better for me. He knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith. "That's really something."
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is doing just fine physically, but has he been saying any strange things to you lately? He mentioned that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Monday, July 24, 2006
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Sunday, July 23, 2006
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos (in Vegas).
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday Services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting. Then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Didn't even see it coming ... did you?
Saturday, July 22, 2006
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
Friday, July 21, 2006
Our teenaged grandson Joel was tired of hearing about his sister's up-coming wedding. The whole thing bored him, and the final straw came when we began discussing the rehearsal dinner.
"That does it!" he exclaimed. "Now you've really gone overboard!"
His mother explained that every wedding party had to rehearse the ceremony.
"Oh," Joel said quietly. "I thought we had to rehearse how to eat."
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, "Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?"
Phil replies, "Yes Judge, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.
Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor."
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?," gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but 3 girls helped me catch him."
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
After being expelled from his last school, little Johnny was enrolled in a Catholic School. On his first day in the new school, he went to the cafeteria for lunch. The children were lined up patiently getting their lunches.
At the head of the serving line was a large pile of apples. One of the nuns made a sign by the apples that said: "Take only one, God is watching."
Little Johnny saw the sign, then found a piece of paper, made a sign of his own and placed it at the other end of the serving line, in front of a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. It said: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
Monday, July 17, 2006
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong. While passing through a Jewish neighborhood he was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said...."You're a Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
Saturday, July 15, 2006
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
Friday, July 14, 2006
One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.
The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.
"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.
"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that other fellow home?" asked the man.
"Well, I should," said the other. Then, with Gallic logic, he added, "But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again!!"
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Bill Clinton is placed against the wall, and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!". The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion
John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done. Before the order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!". Again the squad falls apart and Kerry slips over the wall thus making his escape.
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall!" As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells, "Fire!"
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me; I'm married to your sister!"
Monday, July 10, 2006
A young soldier, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young and gullible recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail.
He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."
Sunday, July 9, 2006
A little girl in first grade was doing very well especially in spelling. One day she came home with new words to study for an upcoming test and she asked her mother to help. They came to the word "knit" and her mother asked her to spell it. She said, "n-i-t".
Her mother said, "No, try again."
She said, very slowly, "n-i-t".
Her mother said, "Now, honey, I know you know how to spell this word, try again."
Very aggravated and very slowly, as if her mother was just not getting the whole picture, she spelled, "N-I-T!"
Finally, her mother told her that the correct spelling was k-n-i-t. The little girl looked at her mother, put her hands on her hips and said, "THE 'K' IS SILENT!"
Saturday, July 8, 2006
we called for help with our backed-up sewage system, a man in a large truck
arrived to pump out the septic tank. As he proceeded with the dirty and
difficult task, my mother made small talk. Then he asked her, "What does your
husband do for a living?"
Friday, July 7, 2006
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door.
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep," the proprietor answered. "That's him."
The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied. "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Thursday, July 6, 2006
It was the Monday after a national holiday when I stopped at the drugstore to drop off film. The clerk asked if I wanted next-day or one-hour service. I told her next-day. "They'll be ready Friday," she said.
"What?" I exclaimed, wondering if I'd heard wrong. Then she explained that there was a backup because of the holiday.
I couldn't wait that long, so I told her I'd take the one-hour service. "Ok," she replied. "They'll be ready tomorrow."
Wednesday, July 5, 2006
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Tuesday, July 4, 2006
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move twenty six cars return to class."
Monday, July 3, 2006
A man answers the phone
and has the following conversation:
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Jennifer, your mother wants to talk to you!"
Sunday, July 2, 2006
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
Saturday, July 1, 2006
A woman of questionable intelligence was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear