Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially those who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake."
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about People pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon and bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and just try to have a good time.
Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa. But, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and, to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."
Monday, July 30, 2007
announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.
The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.
Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.
Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
Saturday, July 28, 2007
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Friday, July 27, 2007
A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words.
After the first seven years passed, he went into a small room where he was given the chance to say his two words to the leadership of the order. His two words were "Too cold." He was given extra blankets.
The next seven years passed and the leadership took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "Bad food." The kitchen changed the menu for him.
When the next seven years had passed they took him back into the small room, and his 2 words were "I quit".
"Fine!" exclaimed the leaders, "All you have done since you got here is complain anyway."
Thursday, July 26, 2007
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.
So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How so?"
"His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."
Monday, July 23, 2007
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The businessman dragged
himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Saturday, July 21, 2007
A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.
"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
Friday, July 20, 2007
Q: What is your date of birth?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: She had three children,
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a
rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Thursday, July 19, 2007
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to
Let's see now, where did I put that useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"
"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."
"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."
Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."
Monday, July 16, 2007
A father and son went fishing one day. After an hour out in the boat, the boy started asking questions of his father, "Dad, how does the boat float?"
Father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."
The boy thought for a few minutes and then asked, "Dad, how do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"
Sunday, July 15, 2007
A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When the travel agent told him this he said,
"Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express or MasterCard.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up.
The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "Johnny?" The teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history."
Friday, July 13, 2007
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally they submit a second request to the computer: Yes WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
A church was preparing for Easter services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the banner company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later: "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide".
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"
"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.
"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat.
"Haven't got a girlfriend."
"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile. "Buy both bunches to celebrate!"
Monday, July 9, 2007
The insurance firm put a sign in the window saying "HELP WANTED. You must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs. He produced a sample Excel spreadsheet, a sample Power Point presentation, retouched a picture with Photo shop, and then printed all of them for the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded. He said to the dog, "Listen, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog! There's no way I can hire you!"
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye And said, "Meow."
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Toward the end of our
senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The
classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice.
Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for
storage in a carrying case.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you all understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many people had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark only has 16 chapters. I will know proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Friday, July 6, 2007
While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my financial advisor at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby. I was amazed and asked,
"Really ??? Even with all the fluctuations?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
Thursday, July 5, 2007
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
My 4 year old son and I had many discussions on how babies were born. I always explained that after someone gets married, they decided to have children.
We were walking past a church one day when we heard several cars honking their horns persistently. I knew he had things confused when he excitedly exclaimed "Listen, Dad, somebody's getting pregnant!"
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing there waiting for her.
Without batting an eye,
she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Monday, July 2, 2007
Hammer: In ancient times, a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver: The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver: The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers: A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Electronic Stud Finder: An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.
Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"
"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."
"You wake up at six o'clock?"
"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."