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July, 2008

On the weekend of the biggest motorcycle gathering of the year, I was bar tending at a club nearby. When the roaring machines pulled up outside, our patrons' eyes swung toward the door and conversation turned into uneasy whispering.

A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one of them asked me where the phone was. I pointed it out, and the silence in the room let everybody overhear what the biker said into the receiver. "Hi, Mom. Just want to let you know I'll be home late tonight."

Wednesday,  July 30, 2008

From the Mouths of Babes

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

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Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

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A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

A husband comes to believe that he is a refrigerator. After worrying about his condition for weeks, his wife finally persuades him to go to a psychiatrist with her. The psychiatrist examines the man carefully, and afterward tries to assure the wife that she has nothing to be concerned about.

The woman is a bit perturbed.

"But doctor," she says, "at night when he sleeps with his mouth open, the light keeps me awake!"

Sunday,  July 27, 2008

What's The Difference?

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference??"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a college education."

Saturday,  July 26, 2008

Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac. Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about non-existent illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to keep her happy.

One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his usual treatment. This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack. On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock.

Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the cemetery.

The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything for worms?"

The Asian Lady

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll page down.)

What were you thinking?

Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

The Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
 
Therefore, he took out his business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
 
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis3:10.'
 
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid for I was naked.'

My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."

The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

Have You Noticed?

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened.

The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

Saturday,  July 19, 2008

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."

Hollywood Squares

These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous:

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy. growing strawberries!

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

The famous Olympic skier, Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete...she is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

Unfortunately she is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused entirely too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo I.C.U.

Wednesday,  July 16, 2008

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.

..."Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

The Correct Thing

"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"

"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."

"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat!"

Monday,  July 14, 2008

Faith

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith!"

Word Gender

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason,

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain

water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned on, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the

bottom.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000

years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is..."

"Wait! Back up a minute," The man says. "My agent called?"

There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand-- it being hot and him being thirsty-- he decided to stop. once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents", well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway.

Well, he gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. so he slapped it back onto the table and says, "fill 'er up." and the kid says, "sure thing, that'll be 10 cents."

To this the business man says, "but your sign says all you can drink for a dime."

"It is," the little boy replies, "that's all you can drink for a dime."

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?"

One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time."

Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"

The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage."

The Wife

A man goes into a bar and tells the bartender to give him a double. Then he slams it down and takes a picture out of his pocket, looks at it for a moment, then puts it back.

He then asks the bartender for another double. He drinks it, looks at the picture, puts it back, and asks for another drink.

This time, the bartender is overcome by curiosity. "What's that a picture of?" the bartender asks.

"It's a picture of my wife," the man slurs, "and when she finally starts looking good I'll go home!

Ethical Question

A lawyer is speaking to his son about ethics. "Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay.

The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills.

Now the ethical question: Do I share that money with my partner?"

The Date

Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby.

I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers. "I'm a grandfather!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds."

"When was she born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

Tough

An acquaintance of mine, whose daughter was about to be married, decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it.

She agreed, but said that, instead of a fee she would accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These Texas women are tough!"

Home For Dinner

"Honey," said a husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that," said the husband.

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" the wife demanded.

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."