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July, 2009

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about.  You are generous, kind, thoughtful.  People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.  You have ruined me for other men.
I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart.  I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? 

Jane

 OR WAS IT INTENDED AS...

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is.  All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior.  You have ruined me.  For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever.
When we're apart, I can be forever happy.  Will you let me be?

Yours, Jane

Lobster Tales

A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails ... is that correct?"

"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."

"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."

Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"

"No", she said, "it's the really big red lobster."

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he repeated, astounded. 

"Yes", she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one.

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."

 Kiss and Slap

 A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed  through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no  place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from  a young woman and her grandmother.

 After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young  tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each  other looks.

 Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There  is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the  train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying  a word.

 The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for  that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she  slapped him."  

 The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know  the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure  wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

 The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy  kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

 The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face.

 He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy  have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General  manager all at the same time!"

Two Words

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions"

Twenty Ton Load

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so i have to keep half of them flying at all times."

The Carpool

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

Carrots and Potatoes

A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.

"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.

"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.

"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.

"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover crops."

Off To England

A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England," he said.

"What on earth for?" his wife asked.

"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the left side of the road-legally."

A Million Dollars

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

That Ugly Suit

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.

9 Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did..'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

So? What were you thinking? :)

Inaugural Drive

The family's teenage son had just received his brand new drivers license.

To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.

Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,"  said the beaming boy to his old man. 

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

Bumper Stickers
(Our 1st Joke 12 years ago today)

Motor Home Bumper Sticker:

DON'T TAILGATE OR I'LL FLUSH!

Car Bumper Stickers:

LOVE IS GRAND...
DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND!

YOU'RE A PANE IN MY GLASS

WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN...
LACK AMBITION

STABLE RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR HORSES

FROGS PARKING ONLY...
ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.

KEEP GRANDMA OFF THE STREETS...
SUPPORT BINGO!

WOMEN LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE... MEN!

18-Wheeler Bumper Sticker:

IF YOU CAN'T STOP
SMILE AS YOU GO UNDER.

Devil In The Church

The Worst Day

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane.  Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.

But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.

The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."

"Oh my God," said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years...

...I thought he meant his money!!"

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.

An exciting new discovery is about to take place. In the next room sits Bell's assistant, a man named Watson, hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.

As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, it suddenly rings -- it must be Bell! He picks it up and hears:

"Good evening, sir.  Are you paying too much for your long distance service?"

On Language

In Awe

A woman had identical twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan.

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl.

Her husband responded, "But they're twins.......... if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."

The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness.

"Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?"

"I don't know," said the  Irishman.

"Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"

"Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone. "

Marriage Problems

Leaving?

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

Last Chance Gas

Legal Advice

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," says the mother. "I'm feeling very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

Never underestimate the power of...termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?

Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's... pollution.

A penny saved is... not much.

Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

A Neutral Game