Friday, July 31, 2009
OR WAS IT INTENDED AS...
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails ... is that correct?"
"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."
"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."
Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"
"No", she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he repeated, astounded.
"Yes", she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one.
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face.
He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.
Monday, July 27, 2009
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so i have to keep half of them flying at all times."
Sunday, July 26, 2009
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."
Saturday, July 25, 2009
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover crops."
Friday, July 24, 2009
A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England," he said.
"What on earth for?" his wife asked.
"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the left side of the road-legally."
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and
So? What were you thinking? :)
Monday, July 20, 2009
The family's teenage son had just received his brand new drivers license.
To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.
Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."
Sunday, July 19, 2009
DON'T TAILGATE OR I'LL FLUSH!
LOVE IS GRAND...
YOU'RE A PANE IN
18-Wheeler Bumper Sticker:
IF YOU CAN'T
Saturday, July 18, 2009
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Friday, July 17, 2009
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Aflight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."
The flight attendant smiled and said, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.
But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.
The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."
"Oh my God," said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years...
...I thought he meant his money!!"
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Monday, July 13, 2009
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. In the next room sits Bell's assistant, a man named Watson, hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, it suddenly rings -- it must be Bell! He picks it up and hears:
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long distance service?"
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Readers of William Safire's "On Language" column in THE NEW YORK TIMES MAGAZINE were asked to give sports-related definitions for common words:
Superficial: A really good referee
Beleagured: Stuck in the semipros
Hermit: Girl's baseball glove
Saturnine: Baseball team that plays on weekends
Truncate: Tailgate party given by a compact-car owner
Wrinkle: A small hockey arena
Haiku: Signal to center from a Japanese quarterback
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.
She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered.
"The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
Friday, July 10, 2009
A woman had identical twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan.
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl.
Her husband responded, "But they're twins.......... if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
Thursday, July 9, 2009
The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness.
"Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?"
"I don't know," said the Irishman.
"Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"
"Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone. "
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.
The wife says, "Seven weeks."
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."
Monday, July 6, 2009
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."
Sunday, July 5, 2009
A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border ...when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $2.55 GAS!!!"
He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.
As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"
The attendant replied, "$2.40..."
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."
Friday, July 3, 2009
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I'm feeling very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."
Thursday, July 2, 2009
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.
Never underestimate the power of...termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...how?
Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's... pollution.
A penny saved is... not much.
Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."