July 31, 2010
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train so she could visit her sister who was ill.
Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.
One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.
"Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"
July 30, 2010
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
July 29, 2010
Greg: I used to hunt grizzly bears with a club.
Ed: I don't believe that.
Greg: Why not?
Ed: Because it's too dangerous, hunting grizzly bears with a club.
Greg: Well, I don't do it anymore, anyway.
Ed: Why not?
Greg: The membership fees got too high.
July 28, 2010
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
July 27, 2010
Bubba was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant.
"Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"
He was acquitted.
July 26, 2010
For her husband's birthday, a woman gave him a state-of-the-art metal detector. He excitedly took his new toy to the back yard to try it out.
When he scattered some change on the ground, it seemed to work fine. Then, even when he wasn't near the coins, the thing kept going off. Over and over, he adjusted and readjusted with no luck. After watching him, she said, "I think I know what's wrong."
"I know what I'm doing!" he snapped.
After 20 minutes, he finally turned to her. "Okay, what's wrong?"
"You're standing over the septic tank," she replied.
July 25, 2010
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.' "
July 24, 2010
I was telling a friend about my enrollment in a weight-loss program and how excited I was about the meetings.
"Sounds great," she said. "I'm almost tempted to join too."
"Well, next time I go," I replied, "I'll take you along."
"Okay," my friend responded, and then she asked, "Do they serve refreshments?"
July 23, 2010
"Dad, will you help me with my homework?"
"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right."
"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try."
July 22, 2010
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"
July 21, 2010
As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room. One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier.
A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"
I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.
"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."
July 20, 2010
A young couple got married, and when the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know--it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her."
She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same."
They decided to check further, so the young bride then called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."
July 19, 2010
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
July 18, 2010
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
July 17, 2010
A woman who called up the fire department and said, "Look, I've just had a new rock garden built and I've just planted some new roses, and.."
The fireman said, "Where's the fire?"
She said, "I've just spent a lot of money having my lawn mowed and my hedges clipped. Some of my new plants are very expensive..."
He said, "Look, lady, you don't want the fire department, you want a flower shop."
She said, "No, I don't. The house next door is on fire, and I don't want you clumsy fireman stomping all over my garden when you come over."
July 16, 2010
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn), and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
July 15, 2010
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a policeman was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," he answered, and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," he said.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward him, "would you please tie my shoe?"
July 14, 2010
A friend of mine had just become a district court judge and was nervous about presiding over his first criminal trial.
As a former prosecutor, he could see the preponderance of evidence was clearly against the defendant. The proceedings went smoothly until it was time for him to instruct the jury.
"The jury," he said, "is to convene to the guilty room."
July 13, 2010
On a balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming from one of three huts on an island they thought was deserted. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a "survivor."
He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain of the ship replied, "But we saw THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."
July 12, 2010
It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's gyrations.
Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were fetching $74,506 in 2009. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines from a year ago.
Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable prices.
July 11, 2010
Bill and his fiancée Mary met with the minister to discuss their marriage vows.
"Pastor," said Mary, "I wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony."
"Yes, Mary," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done.
What do you have in mind?"
"Well," said Mary, "I'd like to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'"
July 10, 2010
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
July 9, 2010
An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
July 8, 2010
A new mother goes upstairs to check on her napping infant. As she opens the door she sees her husband sitting in front of the crib. He hasn't noticed her yet so she slowly and quietly walks up to him. The new father is just staring at the baby in the crib, not saying a word, deep in thought. The mother looks and sees expressions of bewilderment, disbelief, and absolute pure joy on her husband's face.
Dad finally notices his wife and says, "It's amazing, isn't it?"
Mother who, spent over 17 hours in labor without an epidural, says, "Yes dear, it's just incredible," as she wipes a tear of joy from her husband's face.
He looks directly into her eyes and says, "Who'da thought ya could buy a crib this good for fifty bucks!"
July 7, 2010
At a US post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.
The clerk thought a moment and then suggested,
"The horses are a lot older now?"
July 6, 2010
* The cat is not a self propelled squeaky toy.
* I will not steal the remote control and bury it.
* Mommy's pots and pans do not need to be taken outside and added to my "borrowed things" pile.
* I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
* I will not dig to China and bring home a dinner guest.
* I will not do 90mph over all the furniture when people are sitting on it.
July 5, 2010
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb immediately to 4000 feet for noise abatement."
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 3000 feet?"
Tower: "At 4000 feet, you will miss the 707 now coming at you at 3000 feet, and that is bound to avoid one heck of a racket....
July 4, 2010
Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
July 3, 2010
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.
July 2, 2010
"Armstrong," the boss bellowed, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"
July 1, 2010
My friend's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"
"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."