July 31, 2011
Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.
July 30, 2011
Thanks to a storm that knocked out the power from 7:30 PM - 11:45 AM.
July 29, 2011
You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
He placed bets that Justin would not win the first American Idol.
When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office system goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".
Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".
You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, dumbass."
When you ask him to help you with a computer problem, he say's "Sure, that will be a picnic!" (PICNIC in techy lingo stands for Problem In Chair Not In Computer).
July 28, 2011
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.
Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.
July 27, 2011
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant for an accountancy position. "It means I don't get the job."
July 26, 2011
A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
July 25, 2011
A boss dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whispered, "Hello?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed
July 24, 2011
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
July 23, 2011
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
July 22, 2011
One day on the way home from church a little girl turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the preacher's sermon this morning confused me."
The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?
The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"
"Yes, that's true," the mother replied.
"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?"
Again the mother replied, "Yes."
"Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and he lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"
July 21, 2011
An expectant couple were soon to have their first child. Their doctor told them of a new invention to relieve the mother's pain during childbirth. This invention could be attached to the mother and it would transfer the pain she experienced to the baby's father.
The couple talked it over and the husband was anxious to help his wife with her delivery. When the blessed time came, they opted to use the new invention. It was strapped to the mother and the dial was set at 1.
With the mother's contraction, the husband felt no pain. He asked that the dial be adjusted to 3. With the next contractions, the mother felt less pain and the husband tolerated the experience well.
The husband, feeling courageous and noble, asked that the dial be turned to 100%. The nurse did so and the mother completed the entire labor and delivery with no pain. The husband did not feel any pain either, and was certain that women had over-rated their plight in childbirth.
A few days later the happy new family returned home from the hospital. They were shocked as they drove into their driveway to see the mailman lying dead on the front porch.
July 20, 2011
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Becaues he's a liar."
July 19, 2011
The first posted joke of TodaysChuckle.com - Posted 14 years ago:
Saturday, July 19, 1997
DON'T TAILGATE OR I'LL FLUSH!
LOVE IS GRAND...
YOU'RE A PANE IN MY
18-Wheeler Bumper Sticker:
IF YOU CAN'T STOP
July 18, 2011
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
July 17, 2011
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
July 16, 2011
The Baptist minister had been summoned to the bedside of a Presbyterian woman who was quite ill.
As he went up the walk, he met the little daughter of the woman and said to her, "I'm very glad your mother remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?"
"No," answered the child. "He's at home, but we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to expose him to it."
July 15, 2011
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
July 14, 2011
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
July 13, 2011
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside.
The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.
When he was gone, other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so "bad". As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
July 12, 2011
A preacher dies, and when
he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He
says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my
July 11, 2011
A Redneck was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Redneck poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" Said the Redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
July 10, 2011
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car.
One particular Sunday however, he was so sick that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out.
They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father. "Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with Mommy?" "Oh yes! Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... we didn't see a single bastard!"
July 9, 2011
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!
July 8, 2011
Traffic was heavy on the service road to the airport. Our bus driver signaled to change lanes so he could overtake a slow-moving car. Just as he got ready to pass, the driver of the car put her arm out the window indicating she was going to move left. Our driver drew back and waited for her to change lanes but she didn't. After a minute she pulled her arm back in.
When we tried to pass her a second time, the woman again held out her hand only to withdraw it a minute later. "C'mon, lady, make up your mind," our driver mumbled. Finally, after four false starts, we sped past her car. I looked down to see the woman painting her fingernails. As she finished each nail, she waved her arm out the window to let the polish dry.
July 7, 2011
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ''But officer,'' the man said, ''I can explain.''
''Just be quiet!!!'' snapped the officer. ''Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.''
''But officer, I just wanted to say...''
''And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!''
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.''
''Don't count on it,'' said the prisoner. ''I'm the groom.''
July 6, 2011
A man lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why.
The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request."
"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."
"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
July 5, 2011
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
July 4, 2011
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
July 3, 2011
An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a catalog company: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
July 2, 2011
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."
July 1, 2011
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"