July 31, 2012
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked, “Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”
Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”
“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!”
July 30, 2012
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
July 29, 2012
After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early.
She enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities.
Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks which she had forgotten to enclose.
July 28, 2012
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Well...are you religious or atheist?"
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
July 27, 2012
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
July 26, 2012
A group of 15-year-old
girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to
meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because
they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social
Studies, lived on that street.
July 25, 2012
Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
July 24, 2012
NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University.”
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
“Two millions dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer.”
July 23, 2012
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
July 22, 2012
Sadie and Esther are sitting on the porch of their Miami Beach hotel.
"Oh my God!", cries Sadie. "Look at that poor boy! Such a weak chin. His mouth is crooked. And look, his eyes are crossed."
"That boy," says Esther, "happens to be my son."
"Oh," replies Sadie. "On him it's very becoming."
July 21, 2012
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
July 20, 2012
An English teacher asked her 8th grade class to write an essay on what they would do if they had a million dollars.
Morris handed in a blank sheet of paper.
"Morris!" yelled the teacher, "you've done absolutely nothing. Why?"
"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"
July 19, 2012
Saturday, July 19, 1997
DON'T TAILGATE OR I'LL FLUSH!
LOVE IS GRAND...
YOU'RE A PANE IN
18-Wheeler Bumper Sticker:
IF YOU CAN'T
July 18, 2012
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one better.
I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying.
They're all stamped and ready to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
July 17, 2012
Molly was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.
"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests."
To Morris the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."
The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words without any split infinitives ?"
July 16, 2012
"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.
"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."
"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."
July 15, 2012
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
July 14, 2012
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"
July 13, 2012
During an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O.
saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
“Sorry sir,” said one of the loafers, “but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way.”
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, “Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.”
July 12, 2012
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal; he can play Netanyahu. We can't lose!”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.
“Second?!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Benjamin Netanyahu?!”
“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”
July 11, 2012
Darryl was hired to paint the yellow stripes on a highway. The first day, he painted ten miles of road. The second day, he only painted five. His boss, seeing how he was getting slower, decided to give him a day off, thinking that he needed a rest.
When he came back the next day, he only painted 1/2 mile of road.
His now discouraged boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Simple," Darryl answered. "I keep getting farther away from the paint can!"
July 10, 2012
A contractor was speaking with a woman about her house painting job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down then went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room she told him that she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady finally asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "I have a crew laying sod across the street."
July 9, 2012
Morris, the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked argumentatively, "So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I ALSO open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
The surgeon leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
July 8, 2012
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my tush is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight"
July 7, 2012
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
July 6, 2012
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing
DANGEROUS: What are you so
worked up about?
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all
July 5, 2012
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friends replies, "A carnation??"
"No. No. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
July 4, 2012
A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it.
"That will be $6.35," he told the customer.
"That really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don't you have anything larger?"
Hesitating but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one," he said faintly, " will be $6.65."
The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision.
"I know what," she said, "I'll take both of them!"
July 3, 2012
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Todd—who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket—went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff began, "Todd, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," he replied.
The sheriff thought, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter T?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Todd had supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, Todd, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Todd looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So Todd wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Todd was exultant: "It went great! First day on the job, and I'm already working on a murder case!"
July 2, 2012
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
July 1, 2012
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?