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Welcome
July, 2013
July 31, 2013 Dad's cell phone text message notification went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing. Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call. Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.
July
30, 2013 A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says. The waiter nods. "And for the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
July 29, 2013 A father gave his little girl a puppy for her birthday. Just an hour later he found a puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor. He called out loud for his daughter who came running into the kitchen. Her father asked her to explain why she wasn't watching her new puppy. She looked up and said simply, "My pup runneth over."
July 28, 2013 Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and
says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do, Father.” The priest said, “Then leave this pub right now!” and
approached a second man. “Do you want to go to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” was the man's reply. “Then leave this den of Satan,” said the priest, as
he walked up to O'Toole. “Do you want to go to heaven?” “No, I don't, Father,” O'Toole replied. The priest looked him right in the eye, and said,
“You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?” O'Toole smiled, “Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I
thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
July 27, 2013 Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, Mom?” “To make myself beautiful,” she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue. “What's the matter?” Johnny started. “Giving up?”
July 26, 2013 Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked "Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the
other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings,
gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."
July 25, 2013 George and Martha were just settling in to bed one night when the phone rang. George got out of bed and went into the living room to answer the phone. His wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed. A minute later the phone rang again. George got out of bed and went into the other room and Martha could hear him say, "Hello?" again and then he said, "Sure is." again. He hung up the receiver and went back to bed. She asked who it was. George said he didn't know. A minute later the phone rang again. He got out of
bed and went into the other room and Martha could hear George say, "Hello?" Martha asked again about the caller. George said he didn't know who it was. She then asked, "Well, what did the person say? He said, "It's odd, a woman just keeps saying: 'Long distance from Chicago...'"
July 24, 2013 Did you hear about the old farmer in Nebraska who shot his wife dead? He had some lawyer. The lawyer got him off scot-free. “Have a heart, Judge, “ the lawyer pleaded. “After all, my client’s a widower!”
July 23, 2013 Three blondes are training to be police officers. The police sergeant who is training them takes out a picture and asks the first blonde, What do you notice about the man in this picture?" The blonde says, "He only has one eye!" The sergeant says "No, no, it's a side view." Then he says to the second blonde, "What do you notice about this man?" The 2nd blonde says, "He only has one ear!". The sergeant says "Hello, it's a side view! Geez!". So the sergeant goes over to the last blonde and says, "What do you notice about this man?" The final blonde says, "He wears contacts!" The sergeant goes to the FBI computer and looks the man in the picture up -sure enough - he wears contacts! The sergeant totally amazed says, "How did you know that?" The blonde says "Well, if he only has one eye and one ear, how can he wear glasses?"
July 22, 2013 Farmer Don was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being God's creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted. Don was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit I noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom. So I asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?" "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed," Farmer Don told me, "and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
July 21, 2013 Rick filled his car with gas. After he had paid and drove off, he realized that he left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped to look and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," Rick thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks!"
July
20, 2013 A very rich man kept a pair of lions to guard his property. Each of them took turns being on duty. One night, a group of midgets tried to rob him but the lion on patrol caught them and ate them. When the police arrived, the sergeant asked skeptically, "Well, so where is this group of midgets you say broke in ?" The rich man pointed proudly to his guardians and said, "It's all in the lion of duty."
July 19, 2013 A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was buzzing around. He shooed it away with his hand and it flew into the cow's ear. He kept milking and saw the fly in the milk bucket. The farmer thought, "Hmmm, in one ear and out the udder."
July 18, 2013 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed (and eventually disfigured) and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. As a student, I spent all my time wishing to be detested and degraded. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
July 17, 2013 Census Taker: "How many children do you have?" Redneck Woman: "Fo'." Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?" Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George." Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?" Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."
July 16, 2013 A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Come down and get your own blanket!"
July 15, 2013 Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith!"
July 14, 2013 My granddaughter was just learning her alphabet and we would encourage her by saying A then she would say B so on and so forth. One day we were sitting at the table and my husband was saying grace for the meal. When he was done we all said "A"men except my granddaughter. I look her and said "Brittany what do we say after the blessing? To which she said "B"men.
July 13, 2013 I saw my coworker Jim Monday morning. I was about to ask him how his weekend went when I noticed his black eye. It was a real shiner. "What happened to you? Were you mugged?" I asked. "Worse" Jim said painfully. "Were you hit by a car? What happened?" "Suzie and I went to up to that bed and breakfast in Mendocino this weekend. We met Liz and Kevin there." he said. "Well? How did you get that black eye? How did you get those bruises on your arms? What about that cut over your other eye? Were you in an auto accident?" I said, interrupting his story. "Well, Sunday morning we were seated at the table with Liz and Kevin and a couple on their honeymoon. We were all having breakfast together. "That honeymoon couple looked at each other with love in their eyes, when he turned to his new bride and asks 'Would you please pass the sugar, sugar'. We all smiled and Suzie had that look, you know the 'isn't that romantic' look women get. Then Kevin said to Liz 'please pass the honey, honey.' Suzie gave a heavy sigh and looked at me. The last thing I remember before waking up in the emergency room was turning to Suzie and saying 'Please pass the tea-bag'."
July 12, 2013 After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks which she had forgotten to enclose.
July 11, 2013 During the recent blackout in New York City, my cousin's phone at her ferry company rang nonstop. Many callers asked if the service were still running. "How?" asked one. "There's a power failure in New York." "Don't worry," my cousin replied. "Our ferry's plugged into the New Jersey side."
July
10, 2013 A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?" The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
July
9, 2013 There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish. They politely say to each other: "You may choose first." "No, you may choose first." And this goes on for a while. Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first." And he takes the BIG piece of fish. The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!" The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?" The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course." The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"
July
8, 2013 A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych major then switched to English Lit. After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy. She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.
July
7 2013 Suzanne came home to find her house had been ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Suzanne ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
July
6 2013 A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf—he's BLIND!"
July
5 2013 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met one day, discovered they had the same fiancée, and told him: "Get out of our lives you loser. We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
July
3 2013 Help was mighty tough to come by in an out-of-the-way Missouri town, and "Pop" Miller, who ran the biggest, in fact, the only, motel thereabouts, was reluctant to part with his night clerk, despite the fact that said clerk was a hopeless kleptomaniac. "Pop" Miller finally solved his problem. Over the desk in the lobby he hung this sign: "Leave your valuables with our night clerk. He'll get them anyway."
July
2 2013 My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards. "Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked. "That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?" "Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
July 1 2013 Soon after marriage, Terri's husband, Colby stopped wearing his wedding ring. Terri asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" Colby replied, "It cuts off my circulation." Terri answered back, "It's supposed to!"
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