- 31, 1997
Thursday, July 31,
You're not a kid anymore when...
You're asleep, but others
worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses
Your back goes out more than you do
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
Your are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half his age..... and isn't
breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost to short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools .
People call at 9p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with , "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandles.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch
Your ears are hairer than your head.
You talk about" good grass " and you're referring to
You get into a heated arguement about pension plans
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking .
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Computer Companies Made Beer ...
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read
the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only
came in 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However the can
is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz. each, which have to be
accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of
people are going to
keep drinking it after it is no longer available.
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a
32-oz.can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All
the cans look identical when you take one from the fridge, it
opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call
to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your
empties to the trash can.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot
like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims
that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but
in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,
especially slowly if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same
time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer
will explode when you open it.
Windows '95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but taste more like
windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people
will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends
try Windows '95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list,
when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truck-load.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beers, But the
company promises to change the can to look just like the Window's
'95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and
suggested only for use in bars.
Tuesday, July 29, 1997
If They Married...
If Yoko Ono married Sonny
Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!,
he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and
married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe
Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced
him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine")
has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage
license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd
be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then
Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may
take a little longer to get)
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack
Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married
Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married
Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody
Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further
back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and
married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker
Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard,
"Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."
Monday, July 28, 1997
Why are all dumb blond
So men can understand them.
What is the difference between gov. bonds and men?
Gov. bonds mature.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and ET?
E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis alot quicker for men that for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this.
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs when they see a bikini.
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for
Sunday, July 27,
SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Lick, paw, ogle,
caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize,
serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, tantalize,
bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, bark, purr,
hug, baste, marinate, coddle,excite, pacify, tattoo, protect,
phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister
to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech,
sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show
equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl,
shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore,
defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag,acquiesce,
aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil,
reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear,
understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal,
climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet,
nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, respect, entertain, calm,
allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of,
promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah,
jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib,
salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown,
scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle,
doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather,
mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle,
slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet,slicken,
undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry,
knead,fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow,
dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and
then go back and do it all again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up, naked.
Saturday, July 26, 1997
The Blonde and the Redhead
A blonde and a
redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the
6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the
Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't
jump, and the redhead replied,
"I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead
the $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my
friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on
the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
"Well, so did I" said the blonde, "but I never
thought he'd jump again!"
Friday, July 25,
This man goes
skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor
for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls
Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another
man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time
scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about
Thursday, July 24,
KIDS ON LOVE
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE
"The person is
thinking: Yeah, I really love him. But I hope he showers at least
once a day." Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that
they finally got it out and said it and now they can eat."
Dick, age 7
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason
that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and
they don't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves
in their houses." Gina, age 8
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big
rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." Julia, age 7
"You learn it right on the spot when your gooshy feelings
get the best of you." Brian, age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin,
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
rich." Pam, age 7
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you.... that's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 7
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's
a new person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 8
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like
it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do
it." Michael, age 8
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your
time loving instead of going to work." Dick, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name..that will mess up the
love." Erin, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
never take out the trash." Dave, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your
mind....Love isn't like picking which movies you watch."
Natalie, age 9
Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burnout:
10. You're so
tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately
"Get off my back, bitch!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to
because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail
Tuesday, July 22,
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR
that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got
two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Monday, July 21,
The Sinning Nuns
There where 3 nuns on a
train and they had been talking for some time when they decided
to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their
greatest sins where.
The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex.
Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course
I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my
The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is
drinking. Every year I take the money out of the poor box and
drink for one consecutive week."
The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns
said, "Come now, we told you our worst sins, what is
The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am
a terrible gossip and I can't wait to get off this train!"
Sunday, July 20,
Little Johnny comes home
from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and
says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to
fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our
prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her
dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.
Thats when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of
things to women.
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other
eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought
we had a talk!"
"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There
we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my
teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.
Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over
and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed
it back in!"
Saturday, July 19,
Motor Home Bumper Sticker:
OR I'LL FLUSH!
Car Bumper Stickers:
LOVE IS GRAND...
DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND!
YOU'RE A PANE IN
WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN...
STABLE RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR HORSES
FROGS PARKING ONLY...
ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
KEEP GRANDMA OFF THE STREETS...
WOMEN LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE... MEN!
IF YOU CAN'T
SMILE AS YOU GO UNDER.