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July 19 - 31, 1997

Thursday, July 31, 1997

You're not a kid anymore when...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses
Your back goes out more than you do
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
Your are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half his age..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost to short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools .
People call at 9p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with , "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandles.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairer than your head.
You talk about" good grass " and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated arguement about pension plans
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking .
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

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Wednesday, July 30, 1997

If Computer Companies Made Beer ...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to
keep drinking it after it is no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical when you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows '95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but taste more like windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows '95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truck-load. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beers, But the company promises to change the can to look just like the Window's '95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

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Tuesday, July 29, 1997

If They Married...

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

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Monday, July 28, 1997

DUMB MEN JOKES!

Why are all dumb blond jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.

What is the difference between gov. bonds and men?
Gov. bonds mature.

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and ET?
E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis alot quicker for men that for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this.

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs when they see a bikini.

What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

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Sunday, July 27, 1997

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle,excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag,acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet,slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead,fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back and do it all again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up, naked.

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Saturday, July 26, 1997

The Blonde and the Redhead

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied,
"I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
"Well, so did I" said the blonde, "but I never thought he'd jump again!"

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Friday, July 25, 1997

Sky Diver

This man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.
Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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Thursday, July 24, 1997

KIDS ON LOVE

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can eat." Dick, age 7

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they don't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." Julia, age 7

"You learn it right on the spot when your gooshy feelings get the best of you." Brian, age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.... that's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 7

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 8

"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." Michael, age 8

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." Dick, age 7

"Don't forget your wife's name..that will mess up the love." Erin, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind....Love isn't like picking which movies you watch." Natalie, age 9

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Wednesday, July 23, 1997

Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burnout:

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream,
"Get off my back, bitch!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep
because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

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Tuesday, July 22, 1997

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR
DURING SURGERY

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again...

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

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Monday, July 21, 1997

The Sinning Nuns

There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins where.
The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin."
The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week."
The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns said, "Come now, we told you our worst sins, what is yours."
The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a terrible gossip and I can't wait to get off this train!"

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Sunday, July 20, 1997

Little Johnny...

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!

"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

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Saturday, July 19, 1997

Bumper Stickers

Motor Home Bumper Sticker:

DON'T TAILGATE OR I'LL FLUSH!

Car Bumper Stickers:

LOVE IS GRAND...
DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND!

YOU'RE A PANE IN MY GLASS

WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN...
LACK AMBITION

STABLE RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR HORSES

FROGS PARKING ONLY...
ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.

KEEP GRANDMA OFF THE STREETS...
SUPPORT BINGO!

WOMEN LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE... MEN!

18-Wheeler Bumper Sticker:

IF YOU CAN'T STOP
SMILE AS YOU GO UNDER.

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