Thursday, July 30, 1998
One day this rich guy was having a
party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in
Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also
a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he
was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and
partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the life gard tower and all his
friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims
across my pool will get all my money."
No one moves. The guy looks over the
crowd, and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my
money and my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims
across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all
my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all my property, all my stocks
and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I
"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he
rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally
he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and
runs over to him.
"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see
that done. Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later?"
"I don't want the
cars or the planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or
"Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don't want the
The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what do you want?!?!"
want the guy that pushed me in."
Wednesday, July 29, 1998
Out of the Mouth of Babes
An old county doctor went way out to
the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her
5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he
could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the
mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by
the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
"Spank him again," the 5 yr. old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up
there in the first place!!"
Tuesday, July 28, 1998
The huge college freshman decided to
try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole,
shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and,
in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few
seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass
Monday, July 27, 1998
Boy Scouts from the city were on a
camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their
blankets to avoid being bitten.
Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and
said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They are coming after us with
Sitting on the side of the highway
waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering
along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and
three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously
confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the
speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies,
"you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed
limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?
No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute
officer. We just got off Route 119."
Sunday, July 26, 1998
Getting the Story Straight
When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon
a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it
with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told
him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing
The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say,
"Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will
read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
Saturday, July 25, 1998
Seen on a Holiday Inn in Hyannis Mass-
"Sleep with someone you know"
Seen on barn in Hooper,
"Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again!"
there life after death? Trespass here will find out."
At a home cookin'
restaurant in Oklahoma:
"The best piece of chicken you'll ever get without
being a rooster"
On a BUMPER STICKER
I may be fat But You're Ugly and
I can diet
At an ATM machine, the sign said "If you are blind, please use
the braile keys".
A sign at a hospital for people with Hemroides, reads,
"All deliveries made in rear
On a back road in Arkansas
Free wood for
On the I-5 North freeway in San Diego, the California Department of
Transportation has kindly erected a sign for the nautically challenged: "Cruise
Ships Use Airport Exit"
In this building you can smoke every other day.
Today you can't smoke.
Friday, July 24, 1998
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's
wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out
to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor
handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think
there's yet another wee one to come yet."
Sure enough, within minutes he had
delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting
down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:
"Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Four strangers travelled together in
the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each
other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was
decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young
woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a
fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who
was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant
Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers
travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an
unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence,
until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud
slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence
the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was
thinking, that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women
who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her
head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his
right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever
think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up
world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a
Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
Thursday, July 23, 1998
A man is struck by a bus on a busy
street in New York City. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of
spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man
gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no representative
of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of
the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for
fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First
Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of
some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian
over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says
in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
Wednesday, July 22, 1998
A young man who was also an avid golfer
found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he
hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to
head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing
alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a
tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and
directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how
to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit
the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the
youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree
trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally
lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that
pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Tuesday, July 21, 1998
This is a collection of inflight
announcements which are supposedly true.
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's
warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte,
where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I
really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our
cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free
to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's
a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us
last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National
Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it.
If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush.
Have a nice day."
And, after landing: "Thank you for
flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
Overheard on an American Airlines
flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please, remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
Another flight Attendant's comment on a
less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, give a smile, and a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone
had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
Monday, July 20, 1998
A fellow passed a house with a little
red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothin in sight, and
nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over
35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".
Truthful again, he went through the
"Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors
reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night".
Still wanting to be
truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out
on the street.
The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll
never get screwed".
Three convicts were on the way to
prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy
their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said,
"So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and
stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
"Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I
brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other
two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback
riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
Sunday, July 19, 1998
A tourist in Vienna is going through a
graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he
starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is
coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to
return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it
is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks
him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the
caretaker says incredulously.
It's always difficult to bring sad
news, but you should know there was a great loss today in the entertainment
world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really
horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his
left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.
Saturday, July 18, 1998
Diary Of A Viagra Housewife
celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came
time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he
says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something
I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he
even WALKS with a limp.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has
needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market
that will fix his er... "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he
takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said,
"This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I
replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended).
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He
thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead
of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to
make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of
Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?
The side effects
are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were
watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet, and he thought it was The Smurfs Do
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out
with Black and Decker.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza
Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my
eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's
hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.
everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a
nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
I may just have
to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't
be able to close the casket. Argh!
Friday, July 17, 1998
An explorer in the deepest Amazon
suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out:
"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head
of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone
and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless
body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on
The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're
A customer sent an order to a
distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections
manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until
you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a
collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that
Thursday, July 16, 1998
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a
purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits
there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher
shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the
counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.
The dog put its paw on the
glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.
He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the
butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a
package of four pork chops.
The dog walked around behind the counter, so the
butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money
before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man, who had
been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several
blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be
As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a
really smart dog you have there."
"He's not really all that smart," the owner
replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his
Wednesday, July 15, 1998
A fellow decides to take off early from
work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is
extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he
takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs,
he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have
been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back
pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he
was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and,
sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the
damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was
hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife
came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got
plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I
got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was
when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the
Tuesday, July 14, 1998
Lines In Heaven
Everybody on earth dies and goes to
heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were
whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two
lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of
men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You
men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all
whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me
proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one
on that line?"
The man said, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Monday, July 13, 1998
A visitor to San Francisco is standing
on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide
dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming
car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the
guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it
to the dog.
The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man
and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you
were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must
really love that dog."
The blind man turns to the visitor and says, "No, I'm
gonna kick that dogs ass--I'm just trying to find out which end is
Sunday, July 12, 1998
A guy sticks his head into a barber
shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around
the shop and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same
guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a
The barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says,
"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in
the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks
around the shop and says "about an hour and a half." The guy
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill,
follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back
into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go
when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said...... "to your
Saturday, July 11, 1998
A man lying on his deathbed requested
that his wife gather up all his money and place it in the attic. He would pick
it up on his way out of this life.
Being the faithful, loving wife she had
been for over 50 years, she did as she was told. Soon, the man died. Weeks
later, she remembered his request and went to the attic to see if he had
There, in the same place where she had left it, was the
money. "I knew it," she exclaimed, "I should have put it in the basement."
Friday, July 10, 1998
Officer: Soldier, do you have change
for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an
officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier: Do you have change for a
Soldier: No, SIR!
One night a father overheard his son
saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about
it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father
heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy.
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was
getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks later,
the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say
anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He
was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey.
I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU
THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my
doorstep this morning!"
Thursday, July 9, 1998
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was
particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided
that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it
would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol
and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken
in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just
exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart
would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted
to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died,
so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops
in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a
bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she
and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself
bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents,
but she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was
fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just vunce?"
"Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a
telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many vords can I send to my
husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered.
pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's da message:
Wednesday, July 8, 1998
A farmer was out hunting one day, when
all of a sudden, his gun misfired, and the shot hit him right in the arm. The
farmer dropped his gun, and cradled the arm in his other arm. The shot arm was
hanging on by a string.
He made his way back to the house, and had his
wife drive him in to the country doctor. He went to the doctor, and laid
the arm gently down on the table. He looks the doc in the eyes, and says, "Okay,
doc, I don't want any of that sleepin' stuff, and no Novacain, or pain killers.
You just start sewin' on this arm best way you know how!"
Well, the doc
starts stitching away. Even the doctor is wincing at every stitch. Finally, the
doc can't take it anymore. He looks up at the farmer, and says, "Man, don't this
hurt a lot?"
Farmer says, "Yep, third worst pain I ever had in my life."
The doc jumps back. "Third worst pain you ever had in your life?!
you done near shot your arm off, and I'm here, stitchin' it up with no pain
killers, or sleepin' stuff, and you're tellin' me this is only the third worst
pain you ever had in your life? I know there can't be anything much worse than
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc...try this one on for size. I was out
a-huntin' one day, and I had to take me a mean dump. So I found me a clump of
bushes, dropped my drawers, and backed up into them thar bushes when a bear trap
snapped shut on my privates!"
Doc says, "Oh my God! You had a bear trap snap
shut on your privates, and you're tellin' me that only the second worst pain you
ever had in your life?! Now I KNOWS there cain't be nuthin' worse than that!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc, well you just try it when the slack in
the chain runs out!"
Tuesday, July 7, 1998
The lovers passionately embraced on her
bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.The woman
cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the
bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes
under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you
coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with
you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he
found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in
to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no
clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped
backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
Monday, July 6, 1998
In The Beginning...
God was just about done creating the
universe and had a couple of things left over in his bag of creations. So he
took his bag and stopped by to visit Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that
one of the things he had left to give away was the ability to stand and pee. "It
is a very handy thing to have" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if
either one of you wanted this ability."
Adam jumped up and down and begged
God, "Oh! Give that to me. I would love the ability to do that. It seems the
sort of thing a man should want to do. Oh please, oh please, oh please..... oh
please give that ability to me." "When I am working in the garden or naming the
animals, I could stand there and relieve myself. It would be so cool. Oh please
God, let it be me who receives such a gift."
Eve just smiled and shook her
head at such a display of childishness. She told God that if Adam really wanted
the gift so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make
him happy, that would be fine with her. Adam should be the one to have the
ability to stand and pee.
And so it was. And it was good.
"Fine," said God
looking into his bag of left over gifts.
"What's left in here?"
Sunday, July 5, 1998
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On
his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the
matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a
fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man sadly shook his head
and said "not when the month is up today!"
Saturday, July 4, 1998
An elderly man walks into a house of
ill repute and tells the madam that he would like a young woman for the night.
The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Just how old are you,
"Why," the old patron says, "I'm 98 years old
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims.
"Don't you realize you've had
"Oh," he says, "then how much do I owe you?"
Friday, July 3, 1998
Two Scottish woman have just arrived in
USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country
actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in
America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, they
see a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please,"
says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the ladies hurry over to a bench
and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The first lady opens hers. She begins to
blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to her friend and
whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
The following is a telephonic exchange
between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded
and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thou
Guestht I dialled room-service."
Room Service : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny!
Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Room Service: "Ow
July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee
Guest: "Crisp will be fine"
Room Service: "Hokay. An
Room Service: "San tos. July San tos?"
"I don't think so"
Room Service: "No? Judo one toes??"
Guest: "I feel
really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow
moppinuest we bother?"
Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it!
You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."
Service: "We bother?"
Guest: "No. . . just put the bother on the
Room Service: "Wad?"
Guest: "I mean butter. . .just put it on the
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
Service: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
"Whatever you say."
Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud."
Guest : "You're
Thursday, July 2, 1998
I've Been Circumcised
Two five year old boys are standing at
the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised." the other one says.
"What's that mean?"
means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it
hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"
Wednesday, July 1, 1998
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of
the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl
discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score
during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever
died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his
buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?"
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl
exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good
news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad
"You're pitching tomorrow night."