Todays Chuckle Archive

That Eastern Flavor	I've Been Circumcised	Baseball in Heaven
Dogs	A Sad Man	Birthday Surprise
Third Worst	In The Beginning...	The Exterminator
Good Thinking	Military Etiquette	Mildred
The Barber	Goodbye Daddy	Deathbed Request
Gone Drinking	Two Lines In Heaven	Guide Dog
The Explorer	Accumulations	Sharp Witted
Beethoven	Diary Of A Viagra Housewife	Sad News
Honesty	MORE FUNNY SIGNS	Three Convicts
Stealing a Kiss	The Young Golfer	Last Rites
New to Fatherhood	Getting the Story Straight	Airline Humor
Little Ones	College Football	Speeding
	Out of the Mouth of Babes	The Challenge

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the life gard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."
"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.
"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later?"
"I don't want the cars or the planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don't want the girls."
The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what do you want?!?!"
"I want the guy that pushed me in."

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Spank him again," the 5 yr. old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.
Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

Seen on a Holiday Inn in Hyannis Mass- "Sleep with someone you know"

Seen on barn in Hooper, Utah.
"Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again!"
and
"Is there life after death? Trespass here will find out."

At a home cookin' restaurant in Oklahoma:
"The best piece of chicken you'll ever get without being a rooster"

On a BUMPER STICKER
I may be fat But You're Ugly and I can diet

At an ATM machine, the sign said "If you are blind, please use the braile keys".

A sign at a hospital for people with Hemroides, reads, "All deliveries made in rear

On a back road in Arkansas
Free wood for sale.

On the I-5 North freeway in San Diego, the California Department of Transportation has kindly erected a sign for the nautically challenged: "Cruise Ships Use Airport Exit"

In this building you can smoke every other day. Today you can't smoke.

In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no representative of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please, remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothin in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night".
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed".

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
"He's decomposing!"

It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know there was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.

Dear Diary:

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his er... "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet, and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.
Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. Argh!

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed."

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.
The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."
"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man said, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.
The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog."
The blind man turns to the visitor and says, "No, I'm gonna kick that dogs ass--I'm just trying to find out which end is which."

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says, "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said...... "to your house."

A man lying on his deathbed requested that his wife gather up all his money and place it in the attic. He would pick it up on his way out of this life.
Being the faithful, loving wife she had been for over 50 years, she did as she was told. Soon, the man died. Weeks later, she remembered his request and went to the attic to see if he had followed through.
There, in the same place where she had left it, was the money. "I knew it," she exclaimed, "I should have put it in the basement."

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just vunce?" pleaded Lena.
"Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many vords can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered.
Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's da message: "COMFORTABLE".

A farmer was out hunting one day, when all of a sudden, his gun misfired, and the shot hit him right in the arm. The farmer dropped his gun, and cradled the arm in his other arm. The shot arm was hanging on by a string.
He made his way back to the house, and had his wife drive him in to the country doctor. He went to the doctor, and laid the arm gently down on the table. He looks the doc in the eyes, and says, "Okay, doc, I don't want any of that sleepin' stuff, and no Novacain, or pain killers. You just start sewin' on this arm best way you know how!"
Well, the doc starts stitching away. Even the doctor is wincing at every stitch. Finally, the doc can't take it anymore. He looks up at the farmer, and says, "Man, don't this hurt a lot?"
Farmer says, "Yep, third worst pain I ever had in my life."
The doc jumps back. "Third worst pain you ever had in your life?!
Here, you done near shot your arm off, and I'm here, stitchin' it up with no pain killers, or sleepin' stuff, and you're tellin' me this is only the third worst pain you ever had in your life? I know there can't be anything much worse than this!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc...try this one on for size. I was out a-huntin' one day, and I had to take me a mean dump. So I found me a clump of bushes, dropped my drawers, and backed up into them thar bushes when a bear trap snapped shut on my privates!"
Doc says, "Oh my God! You had a bear trap snap shut on your privates, and you're tellin' me that only the second worst pain you ever had in your life?! Now I KNOWS there cain't be nuthin' worse than that!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc, well you just try it when the slack in the chain runs out!"

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"

God was just about done creating the universe and had a couple of things left over in his bag of creations. So he took his bag and stopped by to visit Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had left to give away was the ability to stand and pee. "It is a very handy thing to have" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted this ability."
Adam jumped up and down and begged God, "Oh! Give that to me. I would love the ability to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man should want to do. Oh please, oh please, oh please..... oh please give that ability to me." "When I am working in the garden or naming the animals, I could stand there and relieve myself. It would be so cool. Oh please God, let it be me who receives such a gift."
Eve just smiled and shook her head at such a display of childishness. She told God that if Adam really wanted the gift so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, that would be fine with her. Adam should be the one to have the ability to stand and pee.
And so it was. And it was good.
"Fine," said God looking into his bag of left over gifts.
"What's left in here?"
"Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man sadly shook his head and said "not when the month is up today!"

An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the madam that he would like a young woman for the night. The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Just how old are you, mister?"
"Why," the old patron says, "I'm 98 years old today!"
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims.
"Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh," he says, "then how much do I owe you?"

Two Scottish woman have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, they see a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the ladies hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The first lady opens hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

The following is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thou Guestht I dialled room-service."
Room Service : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: "What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine"
Room Service: "Hokay. An San tos?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "San tos. July San tos?"
Guest: "I don't think so"
Room Service: "No? Judo one toes??"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."
Room Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singuestlish
moppinuest we bother?"
Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bother?"
Guest: "No. . . just put the bother on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?"
Guest: "I mean butter. . .just put it on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Sorry?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
Room Service: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud."
Guest : "You're welcome."

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised." the other one says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."