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July, 1999

Saturday, July 31, 1999

Don't you hate it when...

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Friday, July 30, 1999

If You Love Something

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, It will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.....

You either married it or gave birth to it.

Thursday, July 29, 1999

Copy Cats

Mom and dad were in the den painting when their 5 year old daughter came in and asked, "What the hell are you doing?" Not realizing what she had said, she just walked out of the room.
After she had left, the stunned dad said, "Where the hell did she learn to talk like that?"

What's gray, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?
An amateur electrician.

Wednesday, July 28, 1999

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

Page yourself over the intercom.   Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.  This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example:   "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist that your e-mail address be:zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

Put decaf in the coffee-maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

Don't use any punctuation.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Honk and wave at strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Tuesday, July 27, 1999

Smart Duck

A duck waddles into a bar. He jumps up on a barstool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What can I get for you?"
"I want some grapes," said the duck.
"I'm sorry we don't have grapes," replied the bartender. The duck gets mad and quacks up a storm as he leaves.
A couple of weeks later, the bar door gets kicked open and the duck waddles in again.
Bartender says "What can I do for you."
Duck says "I want some grapes."
He says that he doesn't have any grapes. So, the duck gets mad and stomps out again.
A few weeks later, the door gets kicked open again and the same duck comes waddling in.
Bartender says, "What do you want?"
Duck says, "I want some grapes!"
Bartender says,"Look I have now told you three times that we don't have any grapes. If you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I am going to NAIL you bill shut to this bar table!" Duck starts quacking and stomps out.
A week later, the same duck comes in again and jumps up on the bar stool.
The bartender says, "What do you want?"
The duck says, "Do you have any nails?"
Bartender says, "No?"
The duck replies, "Good, then I want some grapes!!!"

Sunday, July 25, 1999

THE FISHING TRIP

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Saturday, July 24, 1999

911 Call

Old Lady (dialing 911): "Help! Help!! Come Quick!

911 Operator: "What's the problem madam?"

Old Lady: "That dreadful new postman is sitting up in the tree in my front yard, teasing my dog!"

Friday, July 23, 1999

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. Everything the girl touched, would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc. Everything she touched would melt!

Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her. One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition, any man that can bring his daughter an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted!

The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a very hard alloy, but the same thing happened.....so he too went way.

The third prince told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel it"
The princess did as told, though turning red. Ta Da! It did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed!!! And, the third prince lived happily with the princess ever after........

Question: What was the object?
(Scroll down for the answer)
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Answer: M&Ms Chocolate, melts in your mouth and not in your hand!
(what were you thinking - shame shame shame)

Thursday, July 22, 1999

Computer Prayer

God, grant me the serenity

To accept a post I cannot change,

Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on when I'm running late for work,

And the wisdom to know the difference between "come to bed now" meaning "lets have some fun" and "come to bed NOW" meaning "that computer has got to go!!"

Wednesday, July 21, 1999

Proper Training

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straigt out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could  lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

Tuesday, July 20, 1999

Camel Talk

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".
"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert"
"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

Monday, July 19, 1999

For Our 2nd Anniversary
From the Archives -
Our First Chuckle
Saturday, July 19, 1997

Bumper Stickers

Motor Home Bumper Sticker:

DON'T TAILGATE OR I'LL FLUSH!

Car Bumper Stickers:

LOVE IS GRAND...
DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND!

YOU'RE A PANE IN MY GLASS

WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN...
LACK AMBITION

STABLE RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR HORSES

FROGS PARKING ONLY...
ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.

KEEP GRANDMA OFF THE STREETS...
SUPPORT BINGO!

WOMEN LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE... MEN!

18-Wheeler Bumper Sticker:

IF YOU CAN'T STOP
SMILE AS YOU GO UNDER.

And, our 1st Anniversary
From Sunday, July 19, 1998

Beethoven

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
"He's decomposing!"

 Sad News

It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know there was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.

Sunday, July 18, 1999

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up damnit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a wet-willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

Saturday, July 17, 1999

Did Ya Know?

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.

For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo

Friday, July 16, 1999

Mee Too

A Texas rancher was visiting an Iowa farm. The Iowa farmer was proud of his 200 acres of rich, productive land.
"Is this your whole farm?" ask the rancher.
Why, back in Texas, I get in my car at 5:00 in the morning and drive all day. I don't   reach the other end of my ranch until dusk."
The Iowa farmer thought a while and replied "I used to have a car like that too!"

Thursday, July 15, 1999

Signs Of The Times

Signs that you have had too much of the 90's:

You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

Wednesday, July 14, 1999

Penance for Kleptos

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber!"

Tuesday, July 13, 1999

The Penny Scale

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell a person's fortune and weight.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, and resourceful."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Monday, July 12, 1999

New Found Fashion

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring.  This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Happy Thought for the Day

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown,
but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack them in the head.

Sunday, July 11, 1999

If Men TRULY Ran the World.

1. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

2. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

3. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

4. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

8. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flinstones

9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

10. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

11. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

12. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

13. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.

14. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

15. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

16. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

17. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

18. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

19. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

20. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Saturday, July 10, 1999

Big John

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Friday, July 9, 1999

Pregency Questions and Answers

Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Thursday, July 8, 1999

Things Only Women Understand

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.  Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old...
...you grow old because you stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

I had to give up jogging for my health.  My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing!  You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is DESSERTS" spelled backwards?

Wednesday, July 7, 1999

Backpackers' Folly

These are supposedly actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips. Human nature being what it is, I wouldn't doubt the authenticity of these remarks. You be the judge:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

Tuesday, July 6, 1999

Beating the Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read "BEST DEALS".
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading "LOWEST PRICES".
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read...
                                                 "MAIN ENTRANCE".

Monday, July 5, 1999

New Drivers License

Harry had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat asyou drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Sunday, July 4, 1999

Sayings That Should Be On Buttons

1.  Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2.  Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

3.  Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

4.  Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

5.  This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

6.  I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

7.  Therapy is expensive,  poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

8.  If I throw a stick, will you leave?

9.  You! Off my planet!

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Saturday, July 3, 1999

Signs of Job Burnout

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Friday, July 2, 1999

Jigsaw Puzzle

John gets a call from his girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a  problem," says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks  John. "It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the  kitchen table.
John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the Box."

Free Drinks

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight.
Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did.  The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Thursday, July 1, 1999

Lottery Winner

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery."
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care. Just get out!"