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August, 2003

Sunday, August 31, 2003

He's An Idiot

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.  Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins!  a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother!! He's an idiot!" She asks  the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it!  What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Land Improvement

A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the Pilgrims landed.

He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm.

Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and God have done together."

"Eh," the farmer said dubiously.  "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it on his own."

Friday, August 29, 2003

The Letter

A minister was opening his mail one morning.  Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:  "FOOL".

The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.

"But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? -Amy

Dear GOD: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey

Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? -Jan

Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Baby Names

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.  But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we're going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Family Vacation

Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a vacation in Colorado, flying to Denver and renting a car. We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1000 feet above the Arkansas River.

Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swayed in the wind. Then a car went past us, and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath my feet. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," I finally said.

"What are you worried about?" our daughter replied. "It's a rental."

Monday, August 25, 2003

Big Leaguer

L.A. Dodgers announcer Vin Scully told the Chicago SUN-TIMES about former big-league infielder Gene Freese: 

"He once got back to the hotel after a night on the town, dialed the front desk and asked for a 7 A.M. wake-up call.  The operator said, "You just missed it."

Sunday, August 24, 2003

That's Nothing

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Saturday, August 23, 2003

Renewing Vows

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver...to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you are going barefoot."

Friday, August 22, 2003

McDonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"

The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"

Thursday, August 21, 2003

What Are You Doing?

Four guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What are you doing?"

The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?" The Nebraskan replies,

"Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Career Aspirations

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be much more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Pretend We're Married

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.  After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." 

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he says,  "Get your own blanket.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."

Sunday, August 17, 2003

I Have Sinned

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news.  That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Puppy Clinic

A client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.  As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each
dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent.  As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."

Friday, August 15, 2003

As If You Were Pregnant

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Thursday, August 14, 2003

On The Road

A woman of questionable intelligence is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

"Don't you have a phone in your car?"

"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

"Uh. How's that working?"

"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

"And why do you think that is?"

"I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Order In The Classroom

It was the first day of summer school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. "Now," he said, "are there any questions?"

One girl timidly raised her hand then stood up. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our teacher back?"

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Lion Tamer

A man tells the ringmaster that he is interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asks if he has any experience.

 "Why yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

 "Really?" said the ringmaster. "And did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

 "Yes he did." the man replied.

 "And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

 "Yes he did." the man replied.

 "And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

 "Just once. I was looking for my father..."

Sunday, August 10, 2003

Radioactive Waste

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.

Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.

Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.

Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

Saturday, August 9, 2003

Bragging Rights

Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boast another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today, he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

Friday, August 8, 2003

Sooner

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. we picked wild raspberries in the woods." 

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "Gee Mom, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Thursday, August 7, 2003

Rough Road

The road by my house was in bad condition after a rough winter.  Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.  Later, on my way home, I noticed no improvement.  But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

Wednesday, August 6, 2003

Actual Car Accident Statements

Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.

Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as  he bounced off the hood of my car.

Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.

Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering.  I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.

Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

Tuesday, August 5, 2003

The Mourner

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Monday, August 4, 2003

The Frog

An elderly gentleman is walking on the beach one day. He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling out "Hey Mister ... pssst ... come here."

He looks around and sees a little tiny frog under a palm tree. He picks it up and it says "Hey Mister ... if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and your wishes will be my commands forever."

He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk back toward home.

The frog says "Hey, what are ya doing? Don't ya want to kiss me?"

The old man says, "Heck NO! At my age, a talking frog is worth a lot more!!!"

Sunday, August 3, 2003

Ethical Question

A lawyer is speaking to his son about ethics.
 
"Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay. The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills.
 
Now the ethical question:   Do I share that money with my partner?"

Saturday, August 2, 2003

Labor Saving

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, "I love my new garage-door opener."

"I love mine too," my wife replied, and she honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.

Friday, August 1, 2003

Stipulation

A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death."

"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.

"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."