August,2004

Hair Cuts	The Bishop	Hopkins
Failed	Said The Orangutan	Jack
Old School Preaching	New Arrival	Add It Up
The Engagement	Habits	Clarinet
Punctuation	Flying	A Little Johnny Classic
A Gas Problem	The Statue	Medical Advice
William	The Detective	Still Sharp
Insurance	Labor	Don't You Know Who I Am
Duh!	School Daze	Oh Really
Fire Training	Three Strings	Fore!
	A Good Dentist

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."

The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.

His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again.

After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said,

"And you thought I was having a good time."

3 strings went into town one day, and after arriving decided that they would like to go to a bar, and have a drink.

They went to several bars, and they all had a sign at the door saying "NO STRINGS ALLOWED".

1 string said "I am going to put on my sunglasses, and try to go in and order a drink. When the string sat down on a bar stool, and started to order a drink, but the bartender said, "Hey your a string get out of here."

The 3 strings walked around for awhile and a second string decided that he was going to try to slip in unnoticed, but was promptly thrown out by the Bouncer who saw him right away.

The 3rd String said "this really makes me mad". He then jumped up into the air, and tied himself into a knot, he then frayed out each end from the knot, and went into the bar. He sat down at the bar, and ordered a drink.

The Bartender looked at him, and said "hey You ain't one of them strings are you".

The string quickly replies "No sir, I AM A FRAYED KNOT".

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin .... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

On the day that my father remarried, I went to him before the wedding to see how he was doing, but when I asked if he was nervous, his response confirmed everything.

"No, Honey," he replied with a casual wave of his hand. "Cup of cake. Cup of cake."

Teacher: "Why couldn't your brother spell 'Mississippi' when I asked him this afternoon in class?"
Boy: "Because he didn't know if you meant the river or the state!"

"How old would you say I am, Francis"' the teacher asked.
"Forty," said the boy promptly.
"You seem very sure," said the puzzled teacher. "What makes you think I'm 40?"
"My big brother's 20," replied the boy," and your twice as silly as he is!"

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

Michael Johnson, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends. At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here -- no jeans."

Michael, quite annoyed at this, retorted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Michael Johnson."

"Well, then," the bouncer replied, "it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?"

When I went into labor, I notified my parents, and they rushed to the hospital. They arrived before my husband and were ushered into the room where I was being monitored.

The doctor came in and, motioning to Dad, asked, "Is this the husband?"

"Oh, no," Dad blurted out. "I'm the father!"

Larry's barn burned down, and, Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...

Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.

Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan. It doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

One day, two old men from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch retirement home. One man says to the other, "Ya know, Bill, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good." As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him. "Actually, sharp as ever."

After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?"

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."

A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."

The teacher was meeting her students coming into the classroom. As one young boy came to the door, the teacher greeted him by saying, "Good morning, William. What did you have for breakfast this morning?"

"Well now, Miss Law, you ain't never done learned me to count none too good, maybe it was eight that I et."

Joe sought medical aid because he had bulging eyes and a persistent ringing in his ears.

A doctor looked him over and suggested removing his tonsils. The tonsillectomy resulted in no improvement, so Joe consulted a dentist who suggested that removing his teeth might eliminate the problem. All of Joe's teeth were extracted but still his eyes bulged out and the annoying ringing in his ears continued.

A third doctor told him bluntly, "You have six months to live."

Feeling doomed and gloomy, Joe decided to treat himself right while he still had time, so he bought a flashy car, hired a chauffeur and a gardener, and got himself measured by a tailor for some new suits. To go along with the new suits, he decided that even his shirts would be made to order.

"Okay," said the shirt maker, "let's get your measurements. Hmm, thirty-four sleeve, sixteen collar --"

"No, I wear a fifteen collar" Joe told him.

"Sixteen collar," the shirt maker repeated, measuring again.

"But I've always worn a fifteen collar," said Joe.

"Listen," said the shirt maker, "I'm telling you right now -- if you keep on wearing a tight fifteen collar, your eyes will bulge out and you'll have ringing in your ears."

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?"

One day this old lady walks into the doctor's office and is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all."

So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come back in a week.

So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!"

The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"'

Little Johnny asked the librarian how to use the card catalog. After pouring over the little drawers full of cards he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny went back to his search.

A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite upset. "I just can't find it." he said.

"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.

"Tequila Mockingbird."

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

My sister brought her daughter a really nice Spinet Piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.

"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," my sister answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."

Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?

The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break".

Mr. Spidel patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent.."

Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Spidel. "You just take her with you."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and, of course, he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could.

"Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!"

At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted to say, "But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?"

The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured...teeth will be provided!"

Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate. "Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"

"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas.' This boy I want to name Jack."

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.

Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: