Wednesday, August 31, 2005
A young bride and groom
to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain
platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
A young lad is caught
stealing soap from the local soap factory, when the case comes to court
the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths
from a life of crime.
Monday, August 29, 2005
While working as a mall
Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train,"
I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it
too. Is that okay?"
Sunday, August 28, 2005
I was in the waiting room
of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling,
"Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
Saturday, August 27, 2005
There were these two brothers named Shut Up and Trouble. One day, Shut Up couldn't find Trouble and so went out looking for him. While he was looking, a police car drove by and stopped. He asked, "Hi, kid, what is your name?"
Trouble answered him saying, "Shut Up."
The cop, trying not to get upset, again says, "Answer the question, what is your name?"
Confused, he replies, "Shut Up!"
The police man, now getting very agitated says, "okay kid, are you looking for trouble?"
Shut Up, very excited, answers, "yeah, have you seen him?"
Friday, August 26, 2005
Billy Bob and Daisy had
married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not
been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived
together for thirty five years, Billy Bob went to the local judge to ask
for an annulment, the whole of Snodgrass Hallow gasped with amazement.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
After much careful
historical (hysterical?) research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
A man bought a parrot.
It sat in its cage all day saying, "Cracker want a polly. Cracker want a
Monday, August 22, 2005
The stockbroker received
notice from the IRS that he was being audited.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Bill, Jim & Scott were at
a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a
Saturday, August 20, 2005
A young child gets an
opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane
anywhere and was very excited and tense.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Jimmy was having problems
in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to
speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Jimmy answered.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
As a commercial diver in
the offshore oil fields of the Gulf of Mexico, I was assigned to a job on
board a derrick barge. After my dive, I spent the required time in the
decompression chamber, and then I went to bed.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
The young man entered the
Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Tuesday, August 16, 2005
After tucking their
three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing
coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he
was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt
to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it
from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
Monday, August 15, 2005
A new business was
opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the
occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the
card. It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist
to complain. He let the florist know in no uncertain terms how angry he
was about the obvious mistake.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep
your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in
my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and
forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch...."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of
eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for
the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and
fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started
Friday, August 12, 2005
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Thursday, August 11, 2005
A man died and was taken
to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits
and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up
to a beautiful woman.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Writer: What do you think of my joke book? Give me your honest opinion.
Editor: It isn't worth anything.
Writer: I know, but give it to me anyway.
Tuesday, August 9, 2005
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"
The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"
Monday, August 8, 2005
The reporter at the desk
next to mine was excited about an up-coming assignment. All week she had
been preparing to interview a woman known as a psychic.
Sunday, August 7, 2005
Showing his friend around
his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his
wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
Saturday, August 6, 2005
Jayson and his wife,
Jennifer, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a
truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through
traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old
truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price
Friday, August 5, 2005
An Arkansas hillbilly
came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the
Thursday, August 4, 2005
A man walked into the
office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to
explain his problem.
Wednesday, August 3, 2005
Two caterpillars are
sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.
Tuesday, August 2, 2005
Mr. Jones patted his
daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your boyfriend came to me today,
and told me that he wants to marry you, and I gave my consent."
Monday, August 1, 2005
A big shot business man
had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the
nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None
of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.