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August, 2005

Wednesday,  August 31, 2005

With This Ring, I ....

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

Tuesday,  August 30, 2005

Soap Thief

A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory, when the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.

Judge: Well, what have you to say in your defense?

Boy: I'm sorry your honor.

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately.

Boy: But sir, it were only a few bars of cheap soap.

Judge: Consider yourself lucky, it could have been "life boy" !

Monday,  August 29, 2005

What Do You Want?

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too.  Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet.  Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. 

He promptly replied, "Another train."

Sunday,  August 28, 2005

Shots

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

I went up to the nurse and asked her what  was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

Saturday,  August 27, 2005

Two Brothers

There were these two brothers named Shut Up and Trouble. One day, Shut Up couldn't find Trouble and so went out looking for him. While he was looking, a police car drove by and stopped. He asked, "Hi, kid, what is your name?"

Trouble answered him saying, "Shut Up."

The cop, trying not to get upset, again says, "Answer the question, what is your name?"

Confused, he replies, "Shut Up!"

The police man, now getting very agitated says, "okay kid, are you looking for trouble?"

Shut Up, very excited, answers, "yeah, have you seen him?"

Friday,  August 26, 2005

License

Billy Bob and Daisy had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Billy Bob went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Snodgrass Hallow gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Billy Bob based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Billy Bob, "I've just learned that Daisy's father never had a license to carry a gun."

Thursday,  August 25, 2005

Van Goghs

After much careful historical (hysterical?) research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother
Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt
Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes
Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle
Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store
Stopn Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white
Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois
Chica Gogh

The cousin who wasn't allowed to leave the country:
M. Barr Gogh

His magician uncle
Wheredid D. Gogh

His Mexican cousin
Ahmee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's anglo half brother
Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach
Wellsfar Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt
Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco
Go Gogh

The bird lover uncle
Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst
E. Gogh

The fruit loving cousin
Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking
Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew
Poh Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van
Winnie Bay Gogh

And so it goghs...

Wednesday,  August 24, 2005

Crackers

A man bought a parrot.  It sat in its cage all day saying, "Cracker want a polly.  Cracker want a polly."

The man's friend heard the bird and said, "That bird is really stupid!"

The owner said, "No, his name's Cracker, and he's very lonely."

Monday,  August 22, 2005

IRS Audit

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited.
 
He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
 
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
 
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
 
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

Sunday,  August 21, 2005

Sad Stories

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!

Saturday,  August 20, 2005

'Be Silent!'

A young child gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.

As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the  Pilot comes out and shouts 'BE SILENT!'.

There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the young child and the angry Pilot. She stared at  the pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.

Friday,  August 19, 2005

Grammar

Jimmy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents.  When she rang the bell, Jimmy answered.

"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," said the teacher.
 
"Sorry, but they ain't here," he told her.
 
"Jimmy!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"
 
"Beats me," Jimmy replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again!"

Thursday,  August 18, 2005

Inclement Weather?

As a commercial diver in the offshore oil fields of the Gulf of Mexico, I was assigned to a job on board a derrick barge.  After my dive, I spent the required time in the decompression chamber, and then I went to bed. 

Later I walked into the TV room, where I was surprised to see the entire crew sitting around.  I asked one colleague, dressed in his wet suit, why work had stopped.

Without looking up at me, he replied, "It's raining."

Wednesday,  August 17, 2005

Ice Cream

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

"Do you have laryngitis?" the man asked sympathetically.

"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.

"Tuesday,  August 16, 2005

Sammy

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

Monday,  August 15, 2005

Congratulations

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. He let the florist know in no uncertain terms how angry he was about the obvious mistake.

The florist wisely diffused the man's anger when she calmly said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but just imagine this... somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location!"

Sunday,  August 14, 2005

The Amazing Claude

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.  It's  a very special watch.  Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly  chanting, "Watch  the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.  Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Crap" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Saturday,  August 13, 2005

Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,  "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't flush!"

Friday,  August 12, 2005

Two Old Guys

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my  wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Thursday,  August 11, 2005

Hell is Unfair

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Wednesday,  August 10, 2005

Joke Book

Writer:   What do you think of my joke book?  Give me your honest opinion.

Editor:  It isn't worth anything.

Writer:  I know, but give it to me anyway.

Tuesday,  August 9, 2005

Suffering

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"

Monday,  August 8, 2005

Unexpected

The reporter at the desk next to mine was excited about an up-coming assignment.  All week she had been preparing to interview a woman known as a psychic.

"Should I have a reading done?  What if it's bad news, like I'm going to die or something?"

But the morning of the interview, the psychic called to postpone the interview.  She said something unexpected had come up.

Sunday,  August 7, 2005

Simple

Showing his friend around his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."

"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

Saturday,  August 6, 2005

Jayson

Jayson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a  vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic  around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up  old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of  their price range.
 
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200  in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
 
Jayson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a  brand new bathroom scale.
 
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Friday,  August 5, 2005

"Ain't it, though?"

An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee! that's awful stuff you've got there."

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

Thursday,  August 4, 2005

Doctor, doctor!

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist  Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor!" he started.

"No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."

"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued.  "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog.  A  large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog.  It's crazy.  I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor.  I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

Wednesday,  August 3, 2005

Caterpillars

Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."

Tuesday,  August 2, 2005

My Consent

Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your boyfriend came to me today, and told me that he wants to marry you, and I gave my consent."

Oh, Daddy, I'm so happy...." gushed his daughter, "but it's going to be so hard to leave mother after we're married."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed her dad. "You can just take her with you.

Monday,  August 1, 2005

The Big Shot

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"