August 1- 31, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper.
"What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.
The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card. He quickly found a son-to-father card, but neglected to read it carefully.
Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."
Monday, August 27, 2007
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
Sunday, August 26, 2007y
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll. One afternoon our daughter smacked her little toes on the corner of a dresser and sank to the floor crying piteously. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Two tiny, gray-haired women in a crowded elevator were engrossed in an animated conversation.
One of them said loudly, "Well my fantasy has always been to have two
men at the same time."
Then she laughed and continued, "One would do the cooking and the other would do the cleaning."
Friday, August 24, 2007
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
Thursday, August 23, 2007
The man, trying to start up a conversation with another man said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the first man said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Heavily laden with groceries, my aunt asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she unlocked and opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list of errands.
A moment later, the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my aunt. "Lady," he said firmly, "I don't mind helping you load
your groceries, but I really gotta draw the line at driving you home."
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
Monday, August 20, 2007
I went to the store the other day to pick out a new tie for an upcoming wedding. I found one that matched my suit but it didn't have a price tag on it. So I asked the clerk, "Hey buddy, how much is this tie?"
He said, "Sixty-five dollars."
I said, "What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of money."
He said, "Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around your neck?
Sunday, August 19, 2007
The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
Saturday, August 18, 2007
I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you."
I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...'?"
Friday, August 17, 2007
A number of children from the neighborhood were invited to Mrs. Johnson's for Thanksgiving dinner. She decided to do something different while serving the meal.
"Where are you originally from?" she asked one child.
"California," said the boy.
"Well then, I will give you the left wing." She turned to another boy. "Where are YOU from?
"New York", He answered.
"You get the right wing." She turned to the third boy. "Where are you from?"
"I'm from New Orleans and I ain't hungry!"
Thursday, August 16, 2007
An elderly gentleman wasn't feeling well, and became irritated with his doctor because he wasn't getting better after five visits.
"Look!" said the doctor. "I'm doing all I can to help you. I can't make you younger!"
"I wasn't interested in getting any younger," said the man. "I just want to continue getting older."
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
A guy stopped
at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and
bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a
couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or
three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind
him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other
was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy
with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"Well, we work for the government and we're just dong our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Elmer's sick, that don't mean that Leroy and me can't work."
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Grandma Levy, always a regular synagogue member had finally talked her cousin, a woman who had lived an adventurous life, into joining the Temple.
"Tell me Rabbi," the old lady asked, "Do you feel that my cousin will have her sins forgiven after all those years?"
"Yes I do. I'm positive of it. You must remember that the greater the number of sins, the greater the glory."
"Really Rabbi?" the old lady replied thoughtfully. "I sure do wish I'd known that fifty years ago."
Monday, August 13, 2007
The manager of a glass and window company advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience.
"Where have you worked as a glazier?" the manager asked.
The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."
Sunday, August 12, 2007
A couple from Minneapolis
decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one
particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty
coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would
fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he
decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in
Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address,
and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
Friday, August 10, 2007
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
Thursday, August 9, 2007
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"
The student replied. "BIG ones."
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
Just then one of the
mourners burst into laughter.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
The man looked a little
worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the
first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
Monday, August 6, 2007
My sister, Sharon, and I are close, and that allows us to be honest with each other. As I fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, I remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," she scolded.
"My hair is awful."
"I've never looked worse," I whined.
"Yes, you have," she replied.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
One morning, while shaving, a fellow started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. "What's the matter?" she called out. "My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered.
"Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"
Saturday, August 4, 2007
One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
Friday, August 3, 2007
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
Thursday, August 2, 2007
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"
He wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"