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chuckle

August, 2008

Be All Right

Gridiron Rednecks

Something For The House

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

'Do you realize what time it is," she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

Gotcha

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic department and tell them that their machine was messed up.

A few weeks later, the off duty police officer received an envelope from the police department containing three traffic citations, each of them were for not wearing a seat belt.

PREGNANCY Q & A
 
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
 
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
 
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
 
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
 
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
 
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
 
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
 
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
 
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike one!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

Miss America

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

Sean took his girlfriend to the movies. During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.

When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.

"What did you do that for?" he asked her.

"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

Wednesday,  August 20, 2008

Dying of Thirst

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out for sale.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned. The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.""

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back? Are you crazy?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "It's in here with me."

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn, among the gravestones, amid puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice:

"REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.

A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

The motorist thanked his profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."

The patient said, "I'm here for being crazy, not for being stupid."

At the Waffle house, a regular customer was served his breakfast, but it arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four.  The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one on the floor and was making another.

Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen with the freshly cooked sausage on a small plate and said, "Here you are."

"Look!" said the customer , "It's the missing link!"

Tuesday,  August 12, 2008

Daffy Definitions

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the EiffelTower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official

"Sometimes"

Our phone number is similar to one for a bus depot. We discovered this in the middle of one night when the phone rang and my groggy wife answered. After a pause she said, "Sometimes," and hung up.

When I asked her who had called, she said, "Oh, some guy just wanted to know if I ever go to Denver."

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to under- stand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish.

Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

The Beautiful Poodle

Once there three male dogs who set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, "I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence."

Immediately the Lab said, "I like liver and cheese."

"No imagination at all," said the poodle.

Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, "I hate liver and cheese."

"That's worse than the Lab," she replied.

Finally a tiny Chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign.

"Don't I get a warning?" he protested.

The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop next time, you'll get another ticket."

The Applicant

A young man was applying for a job in a big company. "I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed; we have more employees now than we really need."

"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged, "the little bit of work I do wouldn't be noticed."

The Note

A young businessman returned home after a tough day at the office and found his two daughters, one in first grade, the other in second, acting up pretty boisterously.

He scolded them and sent them off to bed.

The next morning he found a note stuck on his bedroom door:

"Be good to your children, and they will be good to you. God."

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"However there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"

Saturday,  August 2, 2008

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, "Tom replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since."

"A thousand a week!" said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?"

"That's his problem."