August 31, 2010
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back affirming this too had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "I'd say let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
August 30, 2010
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.
But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."
"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"
"You're supposed to cook it?" he said.
August 29, 2010
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
August 28, 2010
Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a light bulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
August 27, 2010
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment.
Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
August 26, 2010
"Would you please help me?" she asked. "I bought a nine-pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?"
"Just a minute," the food editor said, as he turned to check his reference book.
"Oh, thank you," she said. "You've been a big help. Good-bye!"
August 25, 2010
During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment balcony. Another tourist asked her how she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would die if over watered.
"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker. "Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my plant some water."
August 24, 2010
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
August 23, 2010
A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.
They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
August 22, 2010
"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
August 21, 2010
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any chicken?"
The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale.
It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.
The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.
"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."
August 20, 2010
Baby Buba was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Buba asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Buba said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
August 19, 2010
Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, Bang!'' Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless.
The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right.
Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''
August 18, 2010
The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression, but the neighbors seemed busy and not interested.
One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!''
Mother replied, ''Great! And then what happened?''
Matthew said, ''Oh, she gave it to the policeman.''
August 17, 2010
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
August 16, 2010
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
August 15, 2010
One year, a nice man decided to buy his wife a different gift for Christmas.
He decided to purchase a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift for her.
The wife thought it was quite strange but she just thought that she would not have to buy one when the time comes.
So the next year comes around and the husband did not buy her a gift this time.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
August 14, 2010
A young man entered the company's Human Resources Department and handed the executive his application. After reviewing the papers the executive noticed that the applicant had been fired from every job he had ever had.
"Young man," the executive said, "I've looked over your work history and it is terrible. You have been fired from every job!"
"Yes," replied the applicant.
"There really isn't anything very positive in that," said the executive.
"Well, at least I'm not a quitter!" the young man replied.
August 13, 2010
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
August 12, 2010
"Sir, What is the secrete of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.
"And, Sir,what are they?"
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"And, sir, What is that?"
"And how do you get Experience?"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
August 11, 2010
A man was standing first in line for tickets from those who had canceled their reservations to a sold-out play.
The manager said he had two together, and pointed to the two women behind the man. "You wouldn't want to come between Mother and daughter, would you?"
The man turned around, and replied, "No. I did that once, and regretted it right up until the divorce."
August 10, 2010
An elderly woman had just
returned to her home from an evening of church
She caught the man in the act
of robbing her home of its valuables and
The woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man, he asked
him: “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a scripture to
“Scripture?” replied the intruder. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”
August 9, 2010
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.
"Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."
August 8, 2010
A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
August 7, 2010
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. after inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead!"
August 6, 2010
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
August 5, 2010
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am mute. I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." He whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute sternly looking at him, holding up 4 fingers.
August 4, 2010
Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again.
He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.
So, one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.
The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.
"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."
His instructor said, "What happened?"
Paul replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off!"
August 3, 2010
It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy staring in at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," he replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
August 2, 2010
I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
August 1, 2010
Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny : I've already got one rabbit at home!