August 31, 2011
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!"
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
August 30, 2011
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
August 29, 2011
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
August 28, 2011
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
August 27, 2011
A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"
August 26, 2011
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX..."How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like."
August 25, 2011
In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker.
They were flying over mountains when suddenly the pilot burst through the doors to the passenger compartment and announced that there was a fuel leakage and the plane would crash in 5 minutes.
"There are only three parachutes I'm afraid," he said, as he hurriedly grabbed one for himself and jumped out. That left the three passengers and two parachutes.
Bill Gates said, "I'm very important, and I'm the world's smartest man and I deserve to live." And with that he grabbed a pack and leaped out.
"Young man," said the Pope to the hitchhiker, "I am old, I have lived my life and it was a very good one. You're still young, please take the last parachute and save yourself. My life is in the hands of God."
"It's okay," said the hitchhiker. "Don't worry, we have a parachute each."
"How can that be?" asked the Pope.
"Well, the world's smartest man just jumped out with my backpack!"
August 24, 2011
There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt.
They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert
and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they
each were telling what they had brought.
August 23, 2011
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."
August 22, 2011
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
August 21, 2011
There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.
A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.
A few minutes later, another knock. Once again St. Peter opens the door and sees the same man.
"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.
"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."
August 20, 2011
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims. "Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY, LADS! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"
August 19, 2011
I'm sorry for the delayed reply, and thank you for following up with
I'm sorry we didn't get to meet with you. We were anxious to end the search and this woman seemed to be a good fit, as I'm sure you would have been as well. There's always next time.
August 18, 2011
A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter -- yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.
When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."
The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."
August 17, 2011
A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First, the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study. Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: “Young man, where is God?” The boy was stunned to silence.
The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question, “I asked you, Where Is God?” The boy began to quake with dread; this was no ordinary lecture for being bad!
Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, “WHERE IS GOD!?” At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother.
“What's wrong? What's the matter?” his brother asked.
It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!”
August 16, 2011
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!"
The clerk replies, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"
August 15, 2011
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
August 14, 2011
A teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his snow boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time the second boot was on, she had worked up quite a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." Sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?!" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots...
August 13, 2011
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
August 12, 2011
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
August 11, 2011
My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason.
Why, just the other day she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor.
I asked, "Are you going in for an estimate, or are you going to get the work done?"
August 10, 2011
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
August 9, 2011
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
August 8, 2011
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
August 7, 2011
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
August 6, 2011
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''
August 5, 2011
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat. "then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
August 4, 2011
A monastery perched high upon a cliff and the only access to reach it was by way of riding in a basket which several monks hauled up to the top.
Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a wicker basket, terrifying to all but the naively fearless.
One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he saw that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.
Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, "Whenever it breaks."
August 3, 2011
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
"I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us," she replied.
August 2, 2011
The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.
Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.
On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.
Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.
August 1, 2011
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"