August 31, 2012
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
August 30, 2012
The mine operator called the nearby state prison and asked them to send over a safecracker to open his jammed safe.
Soon a convict showed up, spun the dials, listened intently, and calmly opened the safe door.
"Well," said the mine operator, "what do you think I owe you?"
The prisoner said, "Uh, the last time I opened a safe, I got $25,000."
August 29, 2012
In Syracuse, N.Y., Federal Express no longer has any competition. But not the package-delivery system, where there are formidable rivals such as United Parcel Service. No, we're talking about copyright infringement.
It seems FedEx has triumphed in its three-year battle against a local coffee shop. First, the shop called itself Federal Espresso. Agreeing to a change, the owners then came up with Ex-Federal Expresso. The shipping giant still wasn't amused.
Now the two have reached a settlement, and the java business has adopted the name Freedom of Espresso.
August 28, 2012
Juan comes up to the Mexican
border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see
about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he
empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
August 27, 2012
A kindergarten teacher was observing her class of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
August 26, 2012
The "Bird Lady" was a difficult independent 75 year old who sat in the park feeding the pigeons every day.
One morning she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company.
Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood.
Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere... when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.
Without hesitation the Bird lady replied angrily: "But I can't throw that far!"
August 25, 2012
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “Does anyone know Jesus' Mother's name?”
Susie raised her hand and said, “It was Mary.”
The teacher said, “Very good Susie. Do you know Jesus' Father's name?”
Little Johnny said, “Yes, it was Verg.”
The teacher asked how he came up with that answer.
He said, “You know, Verg 'n Mary.”
August 24, 2012
George is SO forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary.
"It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."
August 23, 2012
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store.
..."Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "Don't know" said the turkey farmer. ....."I never could catch one!!!"
August 22, 2012
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you:
August 21, 2012
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
August 20, 2012
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares." said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client."
"Great!" said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"
The broker said, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock."
August 19, 2012
A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
August 18, 2012
We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone. One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.
I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."
August 17, 2012
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Jill.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Peter along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Jill pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Peter looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Peter answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
August 16, 2012
Keith called his bowling partner to withdraw from their Tuesday night bowling league.
His partner inquired why after many years would he resign.
"My wife and I are taking Russian lessons. The only available evening for both of us is Tuesday," Keith told him.
"Does this have anything to do with the little Russian baby you both have just adopted?" replied his partner.
"Yes it most certainly does," Keith replied, "We want to do everything right for this child and afford it every opportunity. So we're learning to speak Russian so when the child starts to talk we will understand what it says."
August 15, 2012
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".
August 14, 2012
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
“$50.00 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
August 13, 2012
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?".
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
August 12, 2012
Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young. We invented them."
August 11, 2012
The patient shook his head gingerly as he slowly regained consciousness.
"Well, Doc..." he asked, "tell me was the operation a success?"
"Sorry, son," was the reply. "I'm afraid I'm not your doctor, I'm Saint Peter."
August 10, 2012
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age
89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to
discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go
in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The
pharmacist answers, "Yes".
August 9, 2012
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night, and more. She taught me to enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, how to dress well and how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
August 8, 2012
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
August 7, 2012
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
August 6, 2012
The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip. They made a large sign, CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good. But by two o'clock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers.
Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES.
August 5, 2012
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
August 4, 2012
Our national parks have millions of visitors a year, so you can imagine that rangers get some rather bizarre inquiries and comments. Here's a sampling:
"Where do you keep the animals at night?"
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"A deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed?"
"The place where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"There are too many rocks in the mountains."
August 3, 2012
A listener called the disc jockey on the air at our radio station to ask about the upcoming lunar eclipse.
"The eclipse can be seen at 1:30 in the morning," the DJ told her.
"That late?" she snapped. "Why can't they schedule these things earlier so kids can enjoy them too?"
August 2, 2012
Jimmy Jr. came home with great excitement, saying, "Dad! Dad! Coming back from the mall, I ran home behind the bus all the way and saved the eighty-five cent fare."
Jimmy Sr. chided him, and shouted, "Spendthrift! Why didn't you run behind a cab and save $5.00?"
August 1, 2012
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."