August 1- 31, 2013
August 31, 2013
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.
Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.
St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"
August 30, 2013
I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change.
"Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"
Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.
"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.
"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."
August 29, 2013
Everything about my new town house was great, except for one thing. I couldn't find my mailbox. It wasn't on the curb, nor was it by my front door. I was stymed. To the recue came the development's manager.
"The location of your mailbox should be indicated in the welcome package," he assured me, "the one we mailed to you."
August 28, 2013
It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.
"If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."
Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."
August 27, 2013
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas and paying their own way!"
August 26, 2013
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”
August 25, 2013
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Ralphie said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays, "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," smiled his uncle, "Have you learned how to play it yet?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Ralphie said, "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
August 24, 2013
Our phone number is similar to one for a bus depot.
We discovered this in the middle of one night when
the phone rang and my groggy wife answered. After a pause she said,
When I asked her who had called, she said, "Oh, some guy just wanted to know if I ever go to Denver."
August 23, 2013
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is about 15 to 1.
This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being well, a little strange.
While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
August 22, 2013
A man was on a walking vacation in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
August 21, 2013
Little Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lucy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freaking cat!"
August 20, 2013
Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?
Father: She does? Wow! How do you know?
Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith.
Father: When was that?
Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.
August 19, 2013
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge 'n' Mary."
August 18, 2013
While making rounds, a doctor pointed out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
August 17, 2013
Trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle, Lorenzo and Katarina went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.
"Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" said one guest.
Katarina, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Lorenzo was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally Katarina turned to him: "You're angry about something."
"Oh, really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
August 16, 2013
In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers.
"Four-seven-seven-zero?" he asked.
"Here," replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.
"Seven-zero-seven-five?" asked the instructor.
"Here," repeated the student, gearing for trouble.
"I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier," spoke the teacher.
"That's right, sir," answered our hero. "I have a nick-number."
August 15, 2013
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a traffic cop. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're giving now!"
August 14, 2013
One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he quickly hung up when he saw me. "What were you doing?" I asked him.
"Calling Aunt Sarah."
"How could you have called Aunt Sarah ?" I asked. "You don't even know her number."
"Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.
I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn't know her number, but he insisted he had made the call.
"Okay," I said finally. "What did she say, then, if you called her?"
"She told me I had the wrong number."
August 13, 2013
Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"
August 12, 2013
As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room. One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier.
A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"
I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.
"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."
August 11, 2013
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
August 10, 2013
Chad went to a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber was foaming him up, Chad mentioned the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," said the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
Chad placed the ball in his mouth and received the closest shave he had ever experienced.
After a few strokes, Chad asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," replied the barber," Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
August 9, 2013
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result, seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest.
Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, “It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”
August 8, 2013
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
August 6, 2013
A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave me her password.
Her password was "genius".
After three tries and the system telling him "access denied," he asked her how to spell it.
She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."
August 5, 2013
I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96.00.
I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
"You'll get 24.00," said the clerk.
"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.
"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96.00 and then sells it back for $24.00 should fail the course."
August 4, 2013
A man who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.
The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted," Is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles."
August 3, 2013
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped. He carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
August 2, 2013
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business.
Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo?
What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
August 1, 2013
My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA.
Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my wife asked her if the roast beef was rare.
The waitress gave us a long blank look, then replied, "Well, no - we have it, like, just about every day."