August 1 - 15,
Friday, Aug 15, 1997
The Atlanta School Board, sensing that
Oakland is about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language
"Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline
through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a
language to be taught in all Southern schools.
A speaker of this language
would be a hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.
Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past
tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader
jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup
truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - noun.
An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll
have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A
tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back
of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh
puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's
gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that
brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the
creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard
at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in
battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did,
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't
breathe....give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE -
Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a
job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is
SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction:
verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
gummit boys shore are ignert."
Thursday, August 14, 1997
Jesus is Watching
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he
heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and
in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus
is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of
relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the
Wednesday, August 13, 1997
woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.
denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?"
said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40
Tuesday, Aug 12, 1997
Top Ten Signs You Bought a Bad Computer
10.The lower corner of screen has words "Etch-a-sketch" on it
celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy
8. In order to start it you need
some jumper cables and a friends car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighbourhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip is a
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your
Monday, Aug 11, 1997
new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him
flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the new business site and read the card,
"Rest in Peace". Angry, he called the florist to complain.
After he had told
the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir,
I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should
imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new location"
Sunday, Aug 10, 1997
woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-yr-old son ran up to her,
grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead sea gull lay in the
sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to
heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw
him back down?"
Saturday, August 9, 1997
Welcome to the
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 REPEATEDLY!
are co-dependent, press 2 for someone else.
If you have multiple
personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are
paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the
line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are
manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be
aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about
to bite off your ear!
Friday, August 8, 1997
rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born
and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt
grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his
life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge
and, after squeezin under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny
rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a
rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?
Come and join us,' they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started
eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he
'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots
growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'
This, he couldn't resist and he
spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were
Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'
that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well.'
lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is
there anything else you guys do?' he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a
bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You
see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.
'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'
Well, our friend spent the rest
of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he
staggered back over to the guys.
'That was fantastic,' he panted.
you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
'I'm sorry, I had a great
time but I can't.'
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why?
We thought you liked it here.'
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get
back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
Thursday, August 7, 1997
Headin' for the Home
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back
of his head with a huge black frying pan. **Boing!!**
Man: "What was that
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name
Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when
I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the
house, feeling a bit sheepish.
Three days later he is once again sitting in
his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. **Boing!!**
"What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
Wednesday, Aug 6, 1997
WHAT IF PEOPLE
BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how
can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot
and turn it? "
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a
starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all of these technical terms just to use my
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine
for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a
little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.'
Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor,
and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor
to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $15,000.00 for this car!
Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's
what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the
floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me
one of the latest versions that doesn't crash
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just
bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission,
cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know
how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go
places in my car!"
Tuesday, August 5, 1997
An inebriated chap was brought before the local Judge. "You are charged
with habitual drunkenness." the magistrate thundered.
"Have you anything to
offer in your defense ?"
Came the slurred reply, "Habitual thirst, your
- - - - -
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the
couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your
problem." the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, created the
Heavens and the Earth..."
- - - - -
"Can you explain to me how this
lipstick got on your collar ?" the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't."
the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
- - - -
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my girlfriend," the young man told the
perky little salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help ?" said
the girl, and placed both of her hands in his.
"Oh yes. Good idea. Yes, I'd
say you're about the same size."
"Will there be anything else, sir
"Well, now that you mention it, I think I'll also get her some fancy
panties and a bra."
- - - - -
The IRC NetSex session was going really hot
and heavy, but for some reason the one partner stopping typing. Thinking she was
disconnected, the man typed: "Are you still there ?"
The reply appeared back
on his screen: "Wait a minute, my Mommy just came into the
Monday August 4, 1997
If the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama, because
everything happens there 20 years later.
I got the mushroom treatment at
work. First I was kept in the dark, then they covered me with manure. Today, I
I read so much about the evils of drinking and smoking that
I've given up reading.
I asked my Dad how I will know if I'm truly
successful. He said, "Your wife will tell you."
When I ask a girl to
dance and she says no, I say, "You must be mistaken. I said you look fat in
When you are turned down for date, say, "Don't be picky. I
I married a moonshiner's daughter and I love her
Hukt on fonix wurkd four me.
My boss said, "You should have
been here at 8:00." I said, "Why, what happened?"
When I die, I want to
go like grandpa did, quietly in his sleep; not screaming like the passengers in
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
parents are couch potatoes, does that make me a tater tot?
I slept in and
my 6-year-old daughter brought me my favorite coffee cup. I looked inside and
there were three Army soldiers. I said, "Honey,
what is this?" She said,
"Mommy, the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
This is to
the lady with the "God is My Co-Pilot" bumper sticker who ran us off the road:
Next time let God drive.
Sunday, Aug 3, 1997
Kids' Test Answers...
teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc.,
submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high
school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird
science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are
arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it
is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to
the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun
shines down on them and makes them perspire"
"A super saturated solution
is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp
places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its
only protections against insects." "The skeleton is what is left after the
insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of
the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth
consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of
celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye
down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the
body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several
days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an
agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk
from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
The following additions are from
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you don't, you expire."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
"The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax,
and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which
there are five -- a,e, i, o, and u."
Saturday, Aug 2, 1997
A professor of chemistry wanted to
teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an
experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor
putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It
writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and
wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you wont get worms."
Friday, Aug. 1, 1997
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to
take what you've got!
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my
Friends help you move.
"REAL" friends help you move
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool
could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
things get worse.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a
The secret of the universe is @*^%&# NO
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better
I'm not a complete idiot...
...some parts are
Always remember you're unique,
just like everybody
Give me ambiguity
or give me something else.
tax on people who are bad at math.
Artificial intelligence usually beats
Learn from your parent's mistakes...
Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off
If ignorance is bliss,
you must be orgasmic.
the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
that annoying time between drunkenness.
I use to have a handle on
Then it broke.
I don't suffer from insanity.
I enjoy every
minute of it.
Few women admit their age.
Few men act
We have enough youth;
how about a Fountain of
Change is inevitable,
except from a vending