Todays Chuckle Archive

Their Only Son	Why I Fired My Secretary	Viagra
The Brothel	Seeing Eye Dog	A True Story
The Golf Clubs	The Farmer and His New Bride	Johnny
George and God	How To Photograph A New Puppy	Services Rendered
The Honeymoon	Laying Down The Rules	The Boat
The Waiting Room	Rest in Peace	Ajax Airlines
Where's the BC?	The Great Escape	Poison Mushrooms
The Ruling	Getting Even with Telemarketers	Steak Dinner
Puddles	Sunday Golfing	Deaf Golfers
"And It was So"	Lucky in Love	Lucky in Love
A Bill Of NoRights	A Letter to Her Ex	A Day in Court
His First Words	Doctors Orders	He's Back!
Fore!	A Smart Dog	Wakeup Call?
Being Remembered	Headache Relief	She's an Alcoholic
	IRS Aduit

A couple was having trouble conceiving a child. They went to the doctor and he told them that the problem was one of sufficient penetration. He advised the man to do it doggie fashion.
The man said, "What is that?"
The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do."
The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that."
The doctor replied, "Give her a cocktail or two and she will lose all inhibition."
Some while later the doctor met the man pushing a baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor said.
"Yes it did Doc, but the problem is...my wife is now an alcoholic!"
"How did that happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well, every time we did it...it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front yard."

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS examiner about his tax return. The owner had reported a net profit of $75,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out and the place is only closed 3 days a year".
"It's not your income that bothers us" the examiner said. "It's these deductions. You list 6 trips to Hawaii for you and your wife."
"Oh That" said the owner. " Oh, I forgot to tell you, we also deliver!"

The lawyer was reading the old mans will before a gathering of his survivors. As everyone listened attentively, he read the final paragraph:
"...and to my nephew Samual, who always said I wouldn't remember him in my will - Hello Samual."

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures, he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..".
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she had an orgasm, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the down spout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third man a Chemist, and the fourth a Government worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff!" T- Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and prompty drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that T-Square was pretty smart!
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, show 'em how smart you are!" Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen, and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed, that was good!
But the Chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your thing!" Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone oohed and ahhhed and were quite impressed!
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker, and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!!"
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate all the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!!!!

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"
"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"
So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!"

The little boy never said a word for six years. His parents had brought him to the finest doctors and no one was able to help. One evening, while eating dinner, the boy says "Mashed potatoes are cold!"
His parents could hardly believe their ears. They were completely full of joy. The father says to the boy, "Why have you waited so long to speak?"
The boy responds, "Until now, everything's been fine!"

Judge to Litigant: " You say this fellow drove through your fence, knocked down your mailbox, smashed your plastic lawn flamingos, bounced off your porch and ran into your pickup truck in your yard?"
Litigant: "That's right, your honor".
Judge to Litigant: "Are you suing for damages"?
Litigant: " Shoot no! I got enough damages! I'm suing for repairs!"

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention. What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders Doc".
Doctor: "Following my orders? I gave you no such orders"!
Patient: " Yes you did, you told me to avoid people who irritate me".

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whinny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal, bed wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of NoRights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any Other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights."

Dear Sam,

I'm writing to say that I realize our divorce was entirely my fault. I still love you. I want you to know that if I ever get the chance, I would make it all up to you by being the most perfect wife you could ever hope to have. I finally realize how wonderful you are and how stupid I was to lose you.

(Signed) Louise

P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery.

A 92-year-old man goes to the sperm bank, where he tells the receptionist that he would like to make a donation. "I'm sorry, sir," she tells him, "but at 92 you're just way too old to donate sperm."
"Listen here, young lady," the old man says. "I've led a full and active life, and I'm as fit today as I was at 30. In fact, I even bench press twice my weight."
To get rid of him, she gives in. Handing him a beaker, she points to a room at the end of the hall. "When you're done," she tells him, "please come out and see me."
A half hour goes by, and the old man has not come out of the room, so the nurse knocks on the door. "Are you okay?" she asks.
"Well I'm having a little trouble," comes the reply from behind the door. "I've tried it with my left hand, I've tried it with my right hand, and I've tried it between my knees," the old man says, "but nothing seems to work."
"At your age," the nurse says, "I'm not surprised."
"Okay, smartass," the old man says, "how would YOU get the cap off?"

"God created the mule," and told him, "you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will be Dog, and hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey, and you shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

Wife: "You're lucky to have a wife like me."
Husband: "What makes you say that?"
Wife: " When you lost all your money in that car wash business, I stuck by you; whne you went broke in the sproting goods store, I stuck by you; when you lost everything in that pyramid scheme, I was right there by your side. All that ought to tell you something!"
Husband: "Yeah, it tells me you're a jinx!"

A guy was playing golf at some fancy club, and just as he was about to tee off , a cart drives up. These two guys get out and hand him a note saying, "We are deaf, may we play through?".
The guy says, "Hell no!", and tees off anyway. Later on (after six shots), he is on the green about to putt when a ball comes from out of nowhere and misses his head by an inch.
"What the @#$%^&*?", he yells, as the deaf guys drive up and hand him a note that says, "FORE".

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

Crying out, in well simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood chicken blood too?"

Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Everyone in the courtroom waited with anticipation as the judge, ensconced in his chambers, considered the evidence in the widely publicized paternity suit. Emerging after long minutes of deliberation, the brooding magistrate entered the courtroom and took his seat behind the bench. Staring at the defendent, he reached into his robe and pulled out a cigar and handed it to the young man.
"Congratulations" the judge said, "you've just become a father!"

The waiter at the diner came over and asked his customer, " How did you find your steak sir?"
"Easy" replied the customer " I just moved a spoonfull of the mashed potatoes and there it was!"

Three ducks walk into a saloon and sit down at the bar. The bartender has seen plenty of strange things so this doesn't surprise him. He gets their drinks and starts a conversation with the first duck.
"What's your name", asks the bartender.
"Hughey", he replies.
"Pleasure to meet you" responds the bartender. "And how's your day going?"
"Oh, I'm having a great day. In and out of puddles all day. I'm exhausted, but boy am I having fun."
"That's great! And how about you", the bartender asks the second duck.
"I'm Louie", the second duck responds, "and today couldn't get any better. Whenever he wasn't in puddles I was. If I could live this day over, I don't think I'd change a thing."
"Fantastic", says the bartender.
He turns to the third duck, "Hughey and Louie, so you must be Dewey."
"The name's Puddles", says the duck, "and don't ask me how my day has been."

There was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and he husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term "bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the gampground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
DEAR MADAM,
I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to get a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Remember, we are a friendly community.
Sincerely, the Campground Owner.

The news media featured a convicts daring daylight escape from prison and his voluntary return and surrender that evening. When the reporters asked him why he had come back he said, "The minute I sneaked home to see my wife, the first thing she said was 'Where have you been? You escaped 8 hours ago!"

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. He immediately told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was.
The florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location.

Every chair in the doctors waiting room was filled and some people were standing. At one point, the conversation died down and the room was silent. During this silence, an old man stood up and said "Well, I guess I'll go home and die a natural death."

Ajax Airlines was disturbed over the high number of airline accidents and decided to remove all possibility of human error. Ajax decided to build a completely automated airplane.
A year later, on it's maiden flight, the passengers were greeted with the following in-flight automated announcement:
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. It may interest you to know that today, you are making history. Ajax Airlines has removed the human element and today, you are flying on the first completely automated airplane ever built.
Please sit back and relax while this flight takes it's place in history. There is absolutely nothing to worry about, nothing can go wrong.....click.....nothing can go wrong.....click.....nothing can go wrong.......

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

There were two twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman fainted.

Eighty-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great, physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself? Do you have a good relationship with God?"
"God and me are tight," George replied. "We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! -- the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then, poof! -- the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically, he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! -- the light goes on in the bathroom and then, poof! -- the light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.
The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough."
The groom nodded gently and said, "That may be true, but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!"

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"

A husband and wife were coming back from the funeral of a friend's wife. After a period, this guy's wife asks: "If I were to die, would you re- marry?"
The guy says "Well, I would think so - I'm still young enough and have plenty of years left."
She asks "Would you still live in our house?"
"Well, I like our house and don't think I'd want to move anywhere. So, yeah, we'd probably live in our house."
She asks again "Would you let her drive my car?"
"Well, I have a nice car and don't need to drive it, so I guess she would use your car."
Again, "Well, what about my golf clubs - would you let her use them?"
He said, "No, I don't think so - she's left-handed."

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father.

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant.
The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item.
The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.
The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.
The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,"I'm another year older," but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear."
All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say a word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me."
There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss my bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked in, my secretary greeted mew with a big smile and a cheerful. "Happy Birthday, boss," She then asked if she could get me some coffee.
Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?"
Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea."
So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?"
It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do at the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis.
After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids, and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."