Monday, August 31, 1998
A couple was having trouble conceiving
a child. They went to the doctor and he told them that the problem was one of
sufficient penetration. He advised the man to do it doggie fashion.
said, "What is that?"
The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like
The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that."
doctor replied, "Give her a cocktail or two and she will lose all
Some while later the doctor met the man pushing a baby carriage.
"I see it worked!" the doctor said.
"Yes it did Doc, but the problem is...my
wife is now an alcoholic!"
"How did that happen?" the doctor asked.
every time we did it...it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into
the front yard."
The owner of a small deli was being
questioned by the IRS examiner about his tax return. The owner had reported a
net profit of $75,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone" the
deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out and the
place is only closed 3 days a year".
"It's not your income that bothers us"
the examiner said. "It's these deductions. You list 6 trips to Hawaii for you
and your wife."
"Oh That" said the owner. " Oh, I forgot to tell you, we also
Sunday, August 30, 1998
The lawyer was reading the old mans
will before a gathering of his survivors. As everyone listened attentively, he
read the final paragraph:
"...and to my nephew Samual, who always said I
wouldn't remember him in my will - Hello Samual."
Saturday, August 29,
A guy is suffering from severe
headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures, he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks
him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches;
kind of like a knife across my scalp and..".
He is interrupted by the
doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It
is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I
would give my wife oral sex. When she had an orgasm, she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my
head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you
have a lovely home."
Friday, August 28, 1998
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a
call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon,"
answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy,
sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as
before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again,
plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens
at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man
were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long
one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly
Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly
toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and
kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and
chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly
whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a
nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it
bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the
down spout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On
the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and
onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped
up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle
swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green,
the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the
hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I
hate playing with your Dad."
Thursday, August 27,
Four men were bragging about how smart
their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the
third man a Chemist, and the fourth a Government worker.
To show off, the
Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff!" T- Square trotted over to
the desk, took out some paper and a pen and prompty drew a circle, a square, and
a triangle. Everyone agreed that T-Square was pretty smart!
Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said,
"Spreadsheet, show 'em how smart you are!" Spreadsheet went out into the
kitchen, and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed, that was good!
But the Chemist said his
dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your thing!"
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a
10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop. Everyone oohed and ahhhed and were quite impressed!
Then the three men
turned to the Government Worker, and said, "What can your dog do?"
Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!!"
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate all the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home for the rest of the
day on sick leave!!!!
Wednesday, August 26,
Father O'Mally has been preaching at
his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has
never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday
life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is
exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis!
Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father
looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't
look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He
hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my
hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to
"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"
So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and
walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!"
screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We
saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and
banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar!
I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says,
"Thank you... Thank you very much!"
Tuesday, August 25, 1998
The little boy never said a word for
six years. His parents had brought him to the finest doctors and no one was able
to help. One evening, while eating dinner, the boy says "Mashed potatoes
His parents could hardly believe their ears. They were completely
full of joy. The father says to the boy, "Why have you waited so long to
The boy responds, "Until now, everything's been
Monday, August 24, 1998
A Day in
Judge to Litigant: " You say this
fellow drove through your fence, knocked down your mailbox, smashed your plastic
lawn flamingos, bounced off your porch and ran into your pickup truck in your
Litigant: "That's right, your honor".
Judge to Litigant: "Are you
suing for damages"?
Litigant: " Shoot no! I got enough damages! I'm suing for
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late
for your appointment. Nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention.
What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders
Doctor: "Following my orders? I gave you no such orders"!
Yes you did, you told me to avoid people who irritate me".
Sunday, August 23, 1998
The following was written by State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.
"We, the sensible people
of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote
positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and
our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whinny, guilt-ridden,
delusional and other liberal, bed wetters.
We hold these truths to be
self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim that they require a Bill of NoRights.
ARTICLE I: You do not
have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any Other form of wealth. More
power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended.
This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just
you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion,
etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you
stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the
tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help
anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the
creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the
looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other
people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be
surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of
others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other
citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in
a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our
children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We
hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to
fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do
not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with
a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right
to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you
along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of
education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an
American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way,
is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws
created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of
Saturday, August 22,
Letter to Her Ex
I'm writing to say
that I realize our divorce was entirely my fault. I still love you. I want
you to know that if I ever get the chance, I would make it all up to you by
being the most perfect wife you could ever hope to have. I finally realize
how wonderful you are and how stupid I was to lose you.
P.S. Congratulations on winning the
Friday, August 21, 1998
A 92-year-old man goes to the sperm
bank, where he tells the receptionist that he would like to make a donation.
"I'm sorry, sir," she tells him, "but at 92 you're just way too old to donate
"Listen here, young lady," the old man says. "I've led a full and
active life, and I'm as fit today as I was at 30. In fact, I even bench press
twice my weight."
To get rid of him, she gives in. Handing him a beaker, she
points to a room at the end of the hall. "When you're done," she tells him,
"please come out and see me."
A half hour goes by, and the old man has not
come out of the room, so the nurse knocks on the door. "Are you okay?" she
"Well I'm having a little trouble," comes the reply from behind the
door. "I've tried it with my left hand, I've tried it with my right hand, and
I've tried it between my knees," the old man says, "but nothing seems to
"At your age," the nurse says, "I'm not surprised."
smartass," the old man says, "how would YOU get the cap off?"
"God created the mule," and told him,
"you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on
your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50
The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much.
Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog,
and told him, "You will be Dog, and hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to
whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live
for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too
much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the
monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey, and you shall swing from tree to tree,
acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over
the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the
dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule
working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and
live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they
empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting
like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
Thursday, August 20,
Wife: "You're lucky to have a wife like
Husband: "What makes you say that?"
Wife: " When you lost all your
money in that car wash business, I stuck by you; whne you went broke in the
sproting goods store, I stuck by you; when you lost everything in that pyramid
scheme, I was right there by your side. All that ought to tell you
Husband: "Yeah, it tells me you're a jinx!"
Wednesday, August 19,
A guy was playing golf at some fancy
club, and just as he was about to tee off , a cart drives up. These two guys get
out and hand him a note saying, "We are deaf, may we play through?".
says, "Hell no!", and tees off anyway. Later on (after six shots), he is on the
green about to putt when a ball comes from out of nowhere and misses his head by
"What the @#$%^&*?", he yells, as the deaf guys drive up and
hand him a note that says, "FORE".
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you
have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had
to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be
able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "That's
easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm,
give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear
Tuesday, August 18, 1998
Getting Even with Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell
them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How
long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money
I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
If they start out with, "How are you
today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these
problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."
When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling
about your problems.
If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ
Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company
name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or
questions about the company for as long as necessary.
This one works
better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter
and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in
a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
Crying out, in well
simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't
believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you
Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no,
and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the
most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or
HUMAN blood chicken blood too?"
Let the person go through their spiel,
providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional
"Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy,
ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you
couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they
will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are
not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and
tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method
of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want
to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of
Monday, August 17, 1998
Everyone in the courtroom waited with
anticipation as the judge, ensconced in his chambers, considered the evidence in
the widely publicized paternity suit. Emerging after long minutes of
deliberation, the brooding magistrate entered the courtroom and took his seat
behind the bench. Staring at the defendent, he reached into his robe and pulled
out a cigar and handed it to the young man.
"Congratulations" the judge said,
"you've just become a father!"
The waiter at the diner came over and
asked his customer, " How did you find your steak sir?"
"Easy" replied the
customer " I just moved a spoonfull of the mashed potatoes and there it
Sunday, August 16, 1998
Three ducks walk into a saloon and sit
down at the bar. The bartender has seen plenty of strange things so this doesn't
surprise him. He gets their drinks and starts a conversation with the first
"What's your name", asks the bartender.
"Pleasure to meet you" responds the bartender. "And how's your day
"Oh, I'm having a great day. In and out of puddles all day. I'm
exhausted, but boy am I having fun."
"That's great! And how about you", the
bartender asks the second duck.
"I'm Louie", the second duck responds, "and
today couldn't get any better. Whenever he wasn't in puddles I was. If I could
live this day over, I don't think I'd change a thing."
"Fantastic", says the
He turns to the third duck, "Hughey and Louie, so you must be
"The name's Puddles", says the duck, "and don't ask me how my day has
Saturday, August 15,
There was a rather old-fashioned lady,
always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and he husband
were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and
asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully
equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just could
not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much
deliberation, she finally came up with the term "bathroom commode". But after
writing that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote
the entire letter and referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC".
"Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
gampground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just
couldn't figure what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really
stumped him. He showed the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine
what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the
conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the nearest
Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of
informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground and is
capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine
grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance
away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be
pleased to know that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive early and stay late.
My daughter met her husband in the
BC. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to
know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.
They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not
to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack of desire on
my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in
If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go
with you the first time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the
other folks. We will be sure to get a seat up front where you can be seen by
everyone. Remember, we are a friendly community.
Sincerely, the Campground
Friday, August 14, 1998
The news media featured a convicts
daring daylight escape from prison and his voluntary return and surrender that
evening. When the reporters asked him why he had come back he said, "The minute
I sneaked home to see my wife, the first thing she said was 'Where have you
been? You escaped 8 hours ago!"
"I was married 3 times" explained the
man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My
first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
A new business was opening and one of
the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the
new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
owner was angry and called the florist to complain. He immediately told the
florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was.
The florist said, "Sir,
I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should
imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new
Thursday, August 13,
Every chair in the doctors waiting room
was filled and some people were standing. At one point, the conversation died
down and the room was silent. During this silence, an old man stood up and said
"Well, I guess I'll go home and die a natural death."
Ajax Airlines was disturbed over the
high number of airline accidents and decided to remove all possibility of
human error. Ajax decided to build a completely automated airplane.
later, on it's maiden flight, the passengers were greeted with the following
in-flight automated announcement:
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. It
may interest you to know that today, you are making history. Ajax
Airlines has removed the human element and today, you are flying on the first
completely automated airplane ever built.
Please sit back and relax while
this flight takes it's place in history. There is absolutely nothing to worry
about, nothing can go wrong.....click.....nothing can go
wrong.....click.....nothing can go wrong.......
Wednesday, August 12,
The Farmer and His New Bride
A newlywed farmer and his wife were
visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The
farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that
it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though,
as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering
unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced
inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in
the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings
toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the
farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor
noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would
nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to
the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very
curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that
was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask,
'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all
booked up for a year.'"
Tuesday, August 11, 1998
There were two twins, Jim and John. Jim
was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife
died the same day Jim's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw
Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is
I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead
fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a
pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and
she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented
her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very
good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her
at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman
Monday, August 10, 1998
Eighty-year-old George went for his
annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said,
"George, everything looks great, physically. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself? Do you have a good relationship
"God and me are tight," George replied. "We are so close that when
I get up in the middle of the night, poof! -- the light goes on and I go to the
bathroom and then, poof! -- the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith,
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's
wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically, he's great. But I had
to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets
up during the night, and poof! -- the light goes on in the bathroom and then,
poof! -- the light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the
Laying Down The Rules
Typical macho man married typical
good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be
home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any
hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you
otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with
my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or
Sunday, August 9, 1998
A couple return from their honeymoon
and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.
groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the
man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the
bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will
get over it soon enough."
The groom nodded gently and said, "That may be
true, but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20
Saturday, August 8, 1998
How To Photograph A New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a
suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot
and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth
and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get
puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses
and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of
neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to
teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
Friday, August 7, 1998
A honeymooning couple had purchased a
talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's
annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and
threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The
groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you
get on top and I'll try." Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both
get on top and try."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his
beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"
A husband and wife were coming back
from the funeral of a friend's wife. After a period, this guy's wife asks:
"If I were to die, would you re- marry?"
The guy says "Well, I would think
so - I'm still young enough and have plenty of years left."
She asks "Would
you still live in our house?"
"Well, I like our house and don't think I'd
want to move anywhere. So, yeah, we'd probably live in our house."
again "Would you let her drive my car?"
"Well, I have a nice car and don't
need to drive it, so I guess she would use your car."
Again, "Well, what
about my golf clubs - would you let her use them?"
He said, "No, I don't
think so - she's left-handed."
Thursday, August 6, 1998
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson
Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was
dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the
bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket
and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that
water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a
few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you
as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me
as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Wednesday, August 5,
A man was walking one day, when he came
to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a
couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a
tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the
door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the
man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel" replied the
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
we're having a yard sale today."
Tuesday, August 4, 1998
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher
and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy
with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They
walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair
of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry,
Mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't
understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very
The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua
figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua
says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Monday, August 3, 1998
An older couple had a son, who was
still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was
still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put
them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a
businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the
bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents
took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the
keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying
they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the
light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked
through it, and took it also.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and
took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his
room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and
said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his
"Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned
A customer walks into a pharmacy and
asks assistant for an anal deodorant.
The assistant explains that they don't
stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The
assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never
stocked such an item.
The man explains he bought his last one from this store
only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring
in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.
The following day,
the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The
pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is
obviously of the underarm stick variety.
The customer explains that
instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."
Sunday, August 2, 1998
Why I Fired My Secretary
I woke up early feeling depressed
because it was my birthday, and I thought,"I'm another year older," but decided
not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to
breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday,
All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the
newspaper as usual. She didn't say a word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and
thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, they will
sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me."
There I sat, enjoying my
coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling,
"Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss my
bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked
in, my secretary greeted mew with a big smile and a cheerful. "Happy Birthday,
boss," She then asked if she could get me some coffee.
Her remembering my
birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary
knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have
Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a
So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said,
"Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going
to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way
inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to
town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you
It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to
do at the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis.
After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into
something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened
her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were
my wife and all my kids, and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
Saturday, August 1, 1998
This man got his prescription for
Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on
the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take
his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes
by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she
says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy
yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with
dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."