August 1999

God's Messages	Topless Restaurant	Tired Homeless Man
Circle Flies	The Princess and the Frog	Liver and Cheese
Groaners	British Baseball	Dorm Fine
A Prayer	Mom	Poor Dog
New Born Baby	Burglary at the Louvre	Night Court
Bible Class	A Memorial	Calming Albert
Are Your Parents Home?	TOP TEN THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN	Getting Help
Collecting Shells	Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery	Hit TV Shows in Iraq
BackSeat Driver	Things Dogs Must Try To Remember	Little Johnny
Military Lingo	A Good Deed	Service Snafu
Condoms	The Police Recruit	Watermelons

Two not so bright guys bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece
for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the
same price they'd paid for them.

After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended
up with no more money than they'd started with.

"See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why does it have three in it.
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?"
The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say
'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!" and felt quite good about himself that he did a good deed and made someone feel happy.
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman. As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling:......"Waiter!"
WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"

One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Rats, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
concentration off!
What's this doing here?
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Suddenly Sanctions
Allah McBeal
Mad About Everything
Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

While walking on the beach in Miami, a tourist decided to start collecting shells. Mostly he found .38 specials and .357 magnums.

My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell zilla?"

Because of some of the angry letters I've received as the WebMaster/Editor of TodaysChuckle and Chuckle Mail, I've decided to seek professional help. As a matter of fact, just today, I had my first visit with a psychiatrist.

We both got comfortable. Me on the couch. He in his chair. He opened the session by saying, "I'm not aware of your problem, FrankieG. Perhaps it would be best if you started from the very beginning."

"Of course, " I said, "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth . . . what a tough 7 days that was . . ."

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a house. A kid, about 12 years old, answers the door. He's wearing a pink tutu, has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other.

The salesman is a little startled by the sight so he asks, "Excuse me son, are your parents home?"

The kid takes a big puff on the cigar and answers, "What the hell do you think?"

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

1. The first book of the Bible is Guinessis in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple.
2. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
3. Unleavened bread is bread with no ingredients.
4. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
5. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
6. The Seventh Commandment is: Thou shalt not admit adultery.
7. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
8. Solomon had 300 wives and more than 70 porcupines.
9. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
10. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
11. One of the opossums was St Matthew.
12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
13. Paul preached acrimony which is another name for marriage.
14. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.
15. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
16. A Christian should have only one wife, which is called monotony.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied . .
."I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," his mother says. "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "Oh, no!! I hope you SHOT that lyin' SOB!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

"Now I lay me down to rest,
and hope to pass tomorrow's test,
if I should die before I wake,
that's one less test I have to take."

A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman.
"Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

1. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.

2. A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

3. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.

4. A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath."
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?"
"Nah," the man replied "Up to my chin should do it."

5. What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

6. In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

7. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.

8. Why did the Maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

9. Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't think so."

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have togive you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. " These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
The trooper asked, "What's a circle fly?"
"Them are flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the old farmer.
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cold drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,"Whoever can creatively say liver and cheese in a sentence can take me out."

So, the Doberman quickly says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie remarks, "That's just not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

The Collie remarks, "That's not creative."

Finally, the Chihuahua speaks out, "Liver alone... cheese mine."

Seen on Wilshire Blvd., a major thoroughfare in Los Angeles, California:

Tired homeless man carrying a cardboard sign

"Homeless, hungry, please help. God bless."

Which he flips over to reveal

"Or, visit my website at www.hobo.com"

Some new billboards are getting some attention in Dallas. Some reported
seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God

C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God

We need to talk.
-God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God

I love you and you and you and you and...
-God

Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God

Follow me.
-God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding!
-God

My way is the highway.
-God

Need directions?
-God

You think it's hot here?
-God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God

(And my personal favorite...)

Don't make me come down there.
-God

Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.
On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car. "Awww come on," I said. "It wasn't that bad."
"Your ordering didn't help matters," she said fuming.
"What?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters."
"One at a time!" she yelled.