August 1- 31, 1999
Tuesday, August 31, 1999
Two not so bright guys bought a
truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece
for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the
same price they'd paid for them.
After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended
up with no more money than they'd started with.
"See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."
Monday, August 30, 1999
A man and his young son are in the
drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are.
The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when
you're having sex."
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why does it have three in it.
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday,
and one for Sunday."
The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?"
The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two
for Saturday and two for Sunday."
The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February,
one for March...."
Sunday, August 29, 1999
A young man decided to join the
police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
Saturday, August 28, 1999
A Good Deed
A young man was walking through a
supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout
line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you
feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say
'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called
out, "Good bye mother!" and felt quite good about himself that he
did a good deed and made someone feel happy.
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Friday, August 27, 1999
One afternoon a waiter served a bowl
of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman. As he turned away to return to the kitchen the
customer stopped him, calling:......"Waiter!"
WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he
said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"
One reason the Military has trouble
operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn
off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the
building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
Thursday, August 26, 1999
Dogs Must Try To Remember
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's
underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am
about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car
Wednesday, August 25, 1999
Johnny had been misbehaving and was
sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it
over and then said a prayer.
"Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave,
He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him
to help you put up with me."
Tuesday, August 24, 1999
A man who is driving a car is stopped
by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives
his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this
way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
Monday, August 23, 1999
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Rats, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
What's this doing here?
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Sunday, August 22, 1999
Shows in Iraq
Mad About Everything
Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
While walking on the beach in Miami,
a tourist decided to start collecting shells. Mostly he found .38 specials and .357
Saturday, August 21, 1999
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner,
practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have
been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day,
Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three
magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud
smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad
can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an
impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell
Friday, August 20, 1999
Because of some of the angry letters
I've received as the WebMaster/Editor of TodaysChuckle and Chuckle Mail, I've decided to
seek professional help. As a matter of fact, just today, I had my first visit with a
We both got comfortable. Me on the couch. He in his chair. He opened the
session by saying, "I'm not aware of your problem, FrankieG. Perhaps it would
be best if you started from the very beginning."
"Of course, " I said, "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the
Earth . . . what a tough 7 days that was . . ."
Thursday, August 19, 1999
A traveling salesman knocks on the
door of a house. A kid, about 12 years old, answers the door. He's wearing a pink
tutu, has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other.
The salesman is a little startled by the sight so he asks, "Excuse me son, are your
The kid takes a big puff on the cigar and answers, "What the hell do you think?"
Wednesday, August 18, 1999
TEN THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
Tuesday, August 17, 1999
In the supermarket was a man pushing
a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly,
"Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm,
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to
soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
Monday, August 15, 1999
Actual responses given by children
in Bible classes:
1. The first book of the Bible is
Guinessis in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple.
2. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
3. Unleavened bread is bread with no ingredients.
4. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
5. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
6. The Seventh Commandment is: Thou shalt not admit adultery.
7. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
8. Solomon had 300 wives and more than 70 porcupines.
9. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
10. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
11. One of the opossums was St Matthew.
12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
13. Paul preached acrimony which is another name for marriage.
14. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.
15. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
16. A Christian should have only one wife, which is called monotony.
Sunday, August 15, 1999
One Sunday morning, the pastor
noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the
church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either
side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,
stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely
audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"
Saturday, August 14, 1999
It was the usual scene in the City's
Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought
them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked
the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college
student doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough
research' by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and
He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying
softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for
my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me
that he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his
new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."
He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.
The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"
She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives
around, I can't turn a single trick."
Friday, August 13, 1999
New Born Baby
After the baby was born, the panicked
Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset
because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black
hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made
love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."
Thursday, August 12, 1999
at the Louvre
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got
away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the
crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was
captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how
he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied . .
."I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Wednesday, August 11, 1999
A man calls his mother in Florida.
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you
A boy comes home from school and
tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," his mother says. "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking
Tuesday, August 10, 1999
A young boy goes off to college, but
about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets
He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are
coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money
runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this -- they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented
a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find
out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his
father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of
the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning
paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still
messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "Oh, no!! I hope you SHOT that lyin' SOB!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Monday, August 9, 1999
One night Mike's parents overheard
"Now I lay me down to rest,
and hope to pass tomorrow's test,
if I should die before I wake,
that's one less test I have to take."
A local community club was organizing
a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth.
In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved
into the neighborhood from London, to join their team. During their first game, the
Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. The
team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman.
"Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied.
"I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."
Sunday, August 8, 1999
On the first day of college, the Dean
addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory
to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first
time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Saturday, August 7, 1999
1. What do you get when you toss a
hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
2. A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
3. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.
4. A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to
take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?"
"Nah," the man replied "Up to my chin should do it."
5. What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
6. In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during
the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's
first anti-lox breaks.
7. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were
8. Why did the Maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to
transcend dental medication.
9. Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood
restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
Friday, August 6, 1999
Princess and the Frog
Once upon a time, in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow
near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome
prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me One kiss from you, however, and I will
turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and
setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That
night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned
in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't think so."
Thursday, August 5, 1999
An old farmer was hauling a load of
manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop
said. "I'm going to have togive you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said
as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. " These flies sure are
terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
The trooper asked, "What's a circle fly?"
"Them are flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the old farmer.
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them
Wednesday, August 4, 1999
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman
and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cold drink when a good-looking female Collie
comes up to them and says,"Whoever can creatively say liver and cheese in a sentence
can take me out."
So, the Doberman quickly says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie remarks, "That's just not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
The Collie remarks, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua speaks out, "Liver alone... cheese mine."
Tuesday, August 3, 1999
Seen on Wilshire Blvd., a major
thoroughfare in Los Angeles, California:
Tired homeless man carrying a cardboard sign
"Homeless, hungry, please help. God bless."
Which he flips over to reveal
"Or, visit my website at www.hobo.com"
Monday, August 2, 1999
Some new billboards are getting some
attention in Dallas. Some reported
seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of
the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background
with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
Let's meet at my house Sunday
before the game.
C'mon over and bring the kids.
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
We need to talk.
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
I love you and you and you and you and...
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding!
My way is the highway.
You think it's hot here?
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
Do you have any idea where you're going?
(And my personal favorite...)
Don't make me come down there.
Sunday, August 1, 1999
Friends of ours invited the wife and
I out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty
good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.
On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield
from icing over on her side of the car. "Awww come on," I said. "It wasn't
"Your ordering didn't help matters," she said fuming.
"What?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters."
"One at a time!" she yelled.