August 16 - 22,
Friday, Aug 22, 1997
Three Female Convicts
Three female convicts -- a brunette, a
redhead and a blonde -- escaped from a maximum-security prison one night. They
dashed through the woods toward freedom, but the barking dogs of the prison
guards steadily grew closer.
Finally, one of the convicts said to the others,
"Quick, we've got to hide in the tree branches." So each climbed up a different
The dogs and the guards holding them approached the base of the tree
where the brunette was hiding. The brunette, in the top of the tree, thought
quickly, opened her mouth and went, "Whoo! Whoo!" One guard said, "It's just an
owl; let's move on."
The dogs led the guards to the tree where the redhead
was hiding 20 feet up. The redhead went, "Caw! Caw!" The guard said, "It's just
a crow; let's move on."
The dogs led the guards to the tree where the blonde
was hiding up in the branches. The blonde though for a moment, and then went,
Thursday, Aug. 21, 1997
After marrying a young filly, a
ninety-year old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
me tell you a story," said the doctor.
"An absent-minded fellow went hunting,
but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella.
Suddenly, a bear charged
Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. Somebody else must have shot that bear!"
"Exactly," replied the doctor!
Wednesday, Aug. 20, 1997
What do you get when you cross
an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all
night, wondering if there really is a Dog.
Tuesday, Aug 19,1997
Two Old Women
Two old women were sitting on a
bench waiting for their bus. The busses were running late, and a lot of time
passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, 'You know, I've been
sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'. The other woman turned to her and
said 'I know! I heard it snoring!'
Monday, Aug 18, 1997
ACTUAL "DEAR ABBY" EXCERPTS
DEAR ABBY: A couple of women
moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other
is a social worker in her mid- twenties.
These two women go everywhere
together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you
think they could be Lebanese?
DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years
and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and
sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he
says that is his hobby.
DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why,
he cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is
DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around,
and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of
a reliable illegitimate doctor?
DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is
taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn
against his own?
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen
it. Now how do I get
DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been
paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He
must be crazy.
DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I
didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried
for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through
DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's
the chief petting officer.
DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this
man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I
know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out
with me just for what he can get?
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know.
What's he getting?
DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my
own hair and make my own
clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I
spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a
cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final
judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day.
-FORTY YEARS HITCHED-
HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be
twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his
birthday. What do you think he'd like?
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what
he'd like. Give him a tie.
DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.
DEAR ABBY: Our
son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby
girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was
late. Forget it.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at
the same time?
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.
ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still
chasing women. Any suggestions?
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog
has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever
caught one, he wouldn't know
what to do with it.
DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family
history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any
-SAM IN CAL.-
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public
DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?
The Internal Revenue Service.
DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced,
is it all right to say,
"I've heard a lot about you"?
It depends on what you've heard.
DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and
I would like to meet a man my age with
no bad habits.
ROSE: So would I.
DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.
Sunday, Aug 17, 1997
A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly
stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:
"Hey, bartender! Gimme a
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."
drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.
"Tell you what," he says. "If I can
throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the
"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the
little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"
zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.
Well, the bartender had never
seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he
makes a martini and sets it
before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to
the drink and sets a turtle on it.
"What's this," says the drunk.
a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.
The drunk drinks
his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and
Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again,
he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.
"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a
"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go
Again the drunk notices the darts.
"If I can throw three bull's
eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.
The bartender thinks, "This guy
can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."
"Sure, sure," he says,
handing the darts over.
Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.
"Holy cow," says
the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini.
Again, he sets a turtle
next to it.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a prize for being such
a good shot."
"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the
turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Believe it or not, the very next night
the same drunk enters the same bar.
"Gimme a martini!" he demands.
no," says the bartender. "You've been over served already. Get on
Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says: "Would tossing
three bull's eyes prove that I'm not over served?"
The bartender can't believe
that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three
"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.
The drunk deftly
grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.
Thwock! All three darts
land solidly in the bull's eye!
"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous
bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk
guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a special prize for being
so good at darts," says the bartender.
"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of
roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"
Saturday, Aug 16, 1997
Jake and Saul are 2 old retired widowers who reside close to each
other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship
is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and
turn to the Obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his
obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local
newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He then
correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake
"Jake, are you up yet?"
Jake sleepily answers; "Yeah, but I'm only now
starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Jake, open the damn paper to
page 31 all-ready!"
"All right, don't be such a damn pain in the ass so early
in the morning all-ready. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
the damn story on the bottom of the damn column all-ready!"
" Ok, OK, I'll
start reading the damn column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
comes on the line quietly and fearfully; "So Saul, where are you calling me from