TCA081697

Three Female Convicts	Shooting Blanks
A Query	Two Old Women
ACTUAL "DEAR ABBY" EXCERPTS
The Drunk	Jake and Saul

Three female convicts -- a brunette, a redhead and a blonde -- escaped from a maximum-security prison one night. They dashed through the woods toward freedom, but the barking dogs of the prison guards steadily grew closer.
Finally, one of the convicts said to the others, "Quick, we've got to hide in the tree branches." So each climbed up a different tree.
The dogs and the guards holding them approached the base of the tree where the brunette was hiding. The brunette, in the top of the tree, thought quickly, opened her mouth and went, "Whoo! Whoo!" One guard said, "It's just an owl; let's move on."
The dogs led the guards to the tree where the redhead was hiding 20 feet up. The redhead went, "Caw! Caw!" The guard said, "It's just a crow; let's move on."
The dogs led the guards to the tree where the blonde was hiding up in the branches. The blonde though for a moment, and then went, "Mooo!"

After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor.
"An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella.
Suddenly, a bear charged him.
Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. Somebody else must have shot that bear!" "Exactly," replied the doctor!

What do you get when you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there really is a Dog.

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The busses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, 'You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'. The other woman turned to her and said 'I know! I heard it snoring!'

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid- twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through
her mental pause.

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get?
-GERTIE-
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own
clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day.
-FORTY YEARS HITCHED-
DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
-CAROL-
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
-KAY-
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
-WONDERING-
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?
-CURIOUS-
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
-JAKE-
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
-ANNIE-
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever
caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
-SAM IN CAL.-
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?
-TED-
DEAR TED: The Internal Revenue Service.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say,
"I've heard a lot about you"?
-RITA-
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with
no bad habits.
-ROSE-
DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
-BESS-
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:
"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."
The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.
"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"
"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"
Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.
Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it
before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.
"What's this," says the drunk.
"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.
The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.
"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."
Again the drunk notices the darts.
"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.
The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."
"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.
Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.
"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini.
Again, he sets a turtle next to it.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a prize for being such a good shot."
"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.
"Gimme a martini!" he demands.
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been over served already. Get on home."
Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says: "Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not over served?"
The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.
"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.
The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.
Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!
"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.
"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"

Jake and Saul are 2 old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turn to the Obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He then correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.
"Jake, are you up yet?"
Jake sleepily answers; "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
OK, OK, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Jake, open the damn paper to page 31 all-ready!"
"All right, don't be such a damn pain in the ass so early in the morning all-ready. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Jake, read the damn story on the bottom of the damn column all-ready!"
" Ok, OK, I'll start reading the damn column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully; "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"